Sex After Divorce: Real Experiences of Rebuilding Intimacy and Connection

Though the U.S. divorce rate is lower than it was a decade ago (divorce rates dropped from 9.8 to 7.1 per 1,000 between 2012 and 2022), marital breakups are still relatively common. That means understanding how to best navigate life after splitsville is still as relevant as ever. For some folks, jumping right into a new relationship (or maybe just a new bed) post-divorce is no big deal. For others, the experience can range from awkward to thrilling.

We talked to a few men and women who’ve been there, done that about sex after divorce to see what we could learn. Was the experience better? Surprising? How long did they wait before getting busy with a new partner? 

Keep reading to find out what they said.

Most of the people with whom we chatted didn’t wait very long to have new sexual experiences after leaving their long-term committed relationships. Here are a few other commonalities we noticed among them about their post-divorce sex life: 

• Their sexual relationships with their exes had dwindled before the divorce. Some respondents described their marriages as “sexless” or their sex lives as “non-existent” before the divorce.

• Their emotional connections had declined as well. Some said their spouses were emotionally “cold” or had subjected them to “emotional abandonment.”

• Post-divorce sexual encounters were more fulfilling. Most described their sex lives after divorce positively. They weren’t just having more sex, but the sex was better, and they had more sexual confidence.

• Some respondents faced new sexual issues. Despite sex being better post-divorce, some respondents said they struggled with forms of sexual dysfunction like premature ejaculation (PE) and delayed ejaculation. Some said they had to get over an initial obstacle of low self-esteem or self-doubt before having fulfilling sex post-divorce.

“I was able to ask for what I wanted without fear of rejection.” —Dakota, 28

How long were you together before the divorce? 3 years together, 1 year married.

Why did you decide to get divorced? My ex-spouse had qualities that made me feel unsafe. I realized this was just who they were, and I didn’t see myself being with someone who didn’t value the same things. No matter how hard they tried to “fix” the things, they couldn’t, and I no longer wanted to ask them to be someone different to be with me.

What was your sex life like before the divorce? My sex life was non-existent prior to my divorce. I didn’t sleep with my spouse at the time for about a year. I realized that if my heart wasn’t open, my body couldn’t be either.

What was your sex life like after the divorce? My sex life after divorce felt much more fulfilling. I had more clarity about the kind of sex I wanted to be having and the type of person I wanted to be having it with. I was able to ask for what I wanted without fear of rejection and actually get it. I valued sex and intimacy more than before. The idea of casual sex no longer appealed to me.

What improvements did you see in your sex life? I remembered that I can orgasm during partnered sex, and that sex with someone who makes me feel safe is priceless. I was orgasming more frequently; I was open to exploring my sexual fantasies; I was feeling more confident in my body and in tune with my sensuality.

What negative changes to your sex life (if any) did you see after divorce? Honestly, I wouldn’t say there were any negative changes to my life sex after divorce. Divorce made my sex life better.

How long after divorce did you start dating again? I was planning on being alone but after my divorce, I connected with a new friend—someone I met about six months prior to the divorce. I wouldn’t call it dating, but we slept together a month after my divorce with the intention of being friends with benefits. Then we fell in love.

What was it like the first time you had sex with someone new after a divorce? That first time was intense, mind-blowing, even nerve-racking. I was intentional about my sex partner, so that part didn’t feel like a bad decision. But I was so nervous anyway! I wondered: Am I going to remember what to do? Is he going to like it? Am I going to do a good job? Shit, will I like it or will I regret it? Being with him would be my first first time in three years, after all. 

Thankfully our bodies just clicked. I walked out of that hotel room the next day feeling fulfilled, safe, and still horny from the night before.

Did you have any performance issues? I did not have any performance issues, just nerves that slowly subsided into pleasure.

Did you rely on any tools, medication, therapy, or other forms of support to improve your sex life after divorce? I shared my thoughts and feelings about my intentions regarding sex after divorce with my support system. Doing so helped me process my divorce, and gave me the clarity and confidence to actually have sex when the time felt right.

Did anything surprise you about dating/having sex after divorce? Dating after divorce wasn’t scary to me, and I found that reality to be surprising. I was afraid I would regret my decision to have sex, but I quickly realized I wouldn’t. I knew in my heartI was excited to meet the person to whom I could give my all, and vice versa. 

It wasn’t completely seamless though: I was navigating residual emotional and financial trauma after my divorce. Those areas brought up tricky feelings within the scope of my new relationships. Basically, I had 99 problems, but sex after divorce wasn’t one!

What tips would you have for newly divorced men who want to start dating again? Be intentional. Ask yourself what you want. Casual sex? Fine. One-night stand? Fine. Long-term relationship? Fine. Those are all okay, but be clear with yourself—and potential partners—about what you want and why you want it. 

Communicate it clearly, honestly, and openly to the people you want to engage with. If something casual leads to something more, that’s okay. As long as your actions are grounded in your values, you’re on the right track.

“I had a much broader palette for sexual adventure” —Adam, 50

How long were you together before the divorce? 20 years.

Why did you decide to get divorced? Misaligned goals and lack of attraction.

What was your sex life like before the divorce? None.

What was your sex life like after the divorce? Loads.

If your sex life improved after divorce, what were those improvements? I was able to find partners to whom I felt attracted. 

How long after divorce did you start dating again? Immediately.

What was it like the first time you had sex with someone new after a divorce? I enjoyed the novelty, but I felt uncomfortable and unsure of myself.

Did you have any performance issues? Premature ejaculation.

Did you rely on any tools, medication, therapy, or other forms of support to improve your sex life after divorce? Erectile dysfunction medication.

Did anything surprise you about dating/having sex after divorce? I had a much broader palate for sexual adventure than I had imagined possible.

What tips would you have for newly divorced men who want to start dating again? Quality over quantity. That doesn’t mean you should necessarily limit yourself to one partner, but I would be mindful of the total number of partners.

“I’m having the best sex of my life.” —Kate*, 36

How long were you together before the divorce? 20 years.

Why did you decide to get divorced? I found out about [my ex-husband’s] long-standing infidelity and emotional abandonment; he never followed through on his promises, and we had a sexless relationship toward the end.

What was your sex life like before the divorce? The first five years, we had lots of sex—like every day. I have a high sex drive, so that was great for me. Then he slowly started shaming me for wanting sex, so eventually, it dwindled down to once a week, then once a month, and then finally, the last three years, only when we were trying to have children, sometimes on vacation.

What was your sex life like after the divorce? I had no sex for a whole year; I just didn’t feel like doing it. Then I decided to start exploring. I found an amazing group of people, and I’m now having the best sex of my life. I’ve allowed myself to work past the shame and experience true pleasure.

If your sex life improved after divorce, what were those improvements? The orgasms! I felt seen and understood as a sexual person, and I appreciated that intimacy was attached to sex. (Previously, it was completely detached for me.) I also realized I wasn’t gross or crazy for having certain kinks.

What negative changes to your sex life (if any) did you see after divorce? Having a fear of diseases and infections was new to me. I was living with chlamydia due to my ex-husband’s infidelity, but I had no idea until I got tested prior to having sex with new partners.

How long after divorce did you start dating again? I’m not technically dating yet; I’m just looking for friends with benefits, but I’m very selective.

What was it like the first time you had sex with someone new after a divorce? It was great! It was definitely a booty call, but he was so kind and buff and masculine and just what I wanted (the opposite of my ex). I was nervous, but he whisked me away as soon as he opened the door and helped me get out of my own head. The aftercare was nice, too. I didn’t learn about that until that experience.

Did you rely on any tools, medication, therapy, or other forms of support to improve your sex life after divorce? I started using sex toys, but I don’t need them for performance or to get in the mood.

Did anything surprise you about dating/having sex after divorce? The ghosting culture was a slap in the face. I have a high rejection sensitivity, so the first time that it happened, I felt hurt. But, I have since grown into my own confidence and I am a lot more discerning. I hadn’t been single my entire adult life, so the whole thing was a learning curve.

What tips would you have for newly divorced men who want to start dating again? Be honest with what you want. It’s sexy, and those who don’t think so are not for you. If you’re dating seriously, really think about what you want long-term and take the lead if you like that person. To me, a man who takes the lead with things like planning, listening, and general thoughtfulness is such a turn-on.

“I can now enjoy lovemaking that takes hours.” —Paul, 60

How long were you together before the divorce? 20 years.

Why did you decide to get divorced? What originally prompted it was our financial meltdown in 2009 amid the aftermath of the Great Recession. We had lost our home, and my ex-wife decided a bigger reset was in order: our relationship. Devastated, I begged her to change her mind for the sake of our kids. When it was clear that wasn't an option, I had to question my purpose in life, which, to that point, had been to break the pattern of divorce littering my family tree. After much soul searching, I realized my purpose might still be "to break the pattern of toxic divorce." So, I committed to being friendly and loving in our separation, having family meals once a week, and embracing her new husband as a friend. To this day, we live just four miles apart.

What was your sex life like before the divorce? It was pretty good. We had taken a tantra course and embraced the opportunity to connect more deeply than either of us had learned in prior relationships.

What was your sex life like after the divorce? I'd say it was a whole new experience. I'd dated quite a bit prior to marriage and then been faithful to my wife. So, dating and having sex post-divorce presented the opportunity to see what new love would feel like. I wanted to build on the tantra connection, and that became one of my dating filters.

If your sex life improved after divorce, what were those improvements? I've had three multi-year relationships, each better than the last, expanding my sensual awareness and depth of connection. Becoming a certified sex educator certainly helped, too. I developed compassion for my physiology responding differently than it did in my 20s, became multi-orgasmic, learned that many are now seeing monogamy less strictly, and can now enjoy lovemaking that takes hours.

What negative changes to your sex life (if any) did you see after divorce? Well, not having a partner out of the gate post-divorce was a big negative for my sex life. But I'd say all the positive developments that followed were worth that painful transition.

How long after divorce did you start dating again? Immediately.

What was it like the first time you had sex with someone new after a divorce? Delightful, fun, reassuring.

Did you have any performance issues? Whereas my experience in dating before marriage was more commonly premature ejaculation, I found after marriage that it was delayed ejaculation. Experiences with different partners vary, so that’s not always an issue.

Did you rely on any tools, medication, therapy, or other forms of support to improve your sex life after divorce? Definitely, I continued deepening my tantra understanding. I took classes in embodiment, consent, and sensual touch. This helped me learn—and now teach—just how much erotic connection can exist beyond just intercourse.

What tips would you have for newly divorced men who want to start dating again? Get clear on what you're looking for since you now get a whole new lease on life! Do you want a partner to live with full-time? Someone to go with you on weekend getaways, or a companion for a few dates a month?

Also, every type of relationship has value—not just those that are romantic or sexual in nature. So, introspect to consider what you want more and less of in your life. For instance, consider if you might benefit from making a few new platonic friends so you're not putting so much pressure for connection on a romantic date. And when you are on dates, ask really good questions to learn what the other person is about. 

Working with a dating coach can provide valuable perspective to help keep you on track—just like a tennis coach or a golf coach who can save you years of being off your game.

“I didn’t realize how deprived I was...” —Deb, 68

How long were you together before the divorce? 18 years.

Why did you decide to get divorced? It was a sexless marriage, and my spouse was emotionally and physically cold.

What was your sex life like before the divorce? Non-existent.

What was your sex life like after the divorce? Much-improved: I had a wonderful partner who was consistently loving, stayed tuned in, and focused on my needs.

If your sex life improved after divorce, what were those improvements? My partner and I were extremely comfortable with one another, and we communicated openly about sexual wants and needs after we got to know one another. I never had to ask for what I wanted or needed; he already knew. Sex was not a five-minute physical exchange—it was a sensual experience of rejuvenation and closeness.

What negative changes to your sex life (if any) did you see after divorce? None! Nothing could have been worse than being in a sexless marriage where I was completely ignored and pushed away when I wanted affection.

How long after divorce did you start dating again? Immediately.

What was it like the first time you had sex with someone new after a divorce? My first partner after divorce was not a great match. I still had a lot to learn about who I was and what I liked. Luckily, shortly after that first encounter, a partner came along who helped me grow and learn about myself and my sexuality as a woman.

Did anything surprise you about dating/having sex after divorce? Yes: How much I had missed as a result of being in a sexless marriage for 16 years. I had no idea how deprived I was and how much emotional and physical neglect I had endured.

What tips would you have for newly divorced men who want to start dating again? Take your time. Use discernment and integrity to find a partner who is a good match for you. Focus on giving pleasure, and try to get to know a person for a while before you jump into a sexual relationship. That way you can avoid being intimate with someone you don't even like.

Whether you decide to hook up with a lot of people or avoid the dating world for a while, there’s no right or wrong way to approach sex after divorce. Your post-divorce sex life should be whatever feels best for you.

However, if you do decide to sexually explore with a new partner, here are some tips that might help:

• Stay safe. Take charge of your sexual health by practicing safe sex, getting tested regularly, and asking potential partners about their own testing history.

• Accept the awkwardness. Dating someone new can feel weird at first, especially if you’ve emerged from a long-term relationship. Give yourself time to embrace this new life, and don’t be afraid to laugh at yourself if you stumble along the way.

• Seek support. See a sex therapist if you’re struggling with emotional baggage from your last relationship, low self-esteem, or low sexual desire. Get medical advice from a healthcare provider if you’re dealing with issues like erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, or other sexual health issues. Help is available.

If you’re looking for more tips to navigate your post-divorce sex life, read about how to overcome divorce depression, learn how to initiate sex, and check out our guide on how to please a woman.

*Name has been changed to protect privacy.

All interviews have been edited and condensed.