How to Initiate Sex

How Do You Initiate Sex With Partners?

When a male hooded seal wants to mate with a female, he’ll inflate his elastic nasal cavities into a red balloon-like appendage and flash it around.

For human males, figuring out how to initiate sex can take a little more work.

Sex doesn’t just feel good — it also has health benefits. Studies show that having sex more often is linked to better mental health, improved heart health, and a lower mortality risk.

Research shows men suggest sex almost twice as often as women. This is likely due to outdated gender roles about who should be dominant and who should be passive.

But initiating sex can sometimes be challenging.

Maybe you’re in a new relationship, a sexless marriage, or struggling with a problem like erectile dysfunction (ED) or premature ejaculation (PE).

If you’re not sure how to initiate sex as a man, keep reading for simple ways to overcome obstacles to intimacy and satisfy your partner.

Why Physical Touch Is Important

Physical touch can enhance your partner’s well-being and strengthen your bond.

Studies show that physical touch can provide support in difficult situations and lower stress by reducing cortisol (a stress hormone). Its effects on serotonin and opioid levels can also reduce pain. Plus, touch conveys crucial info about your feelings and intentions toward your partner.

Sex Tends to Decline in Long-Term Relationships

Initiating sex in a new relationship can be challenging as you learn your partner’s turn-ons and turn-offs. But it can be just as daunting in a long-term relationship. This is especially true if you’ve been in a dry spell for a while.

As daily life hits you and your partner with unsexy tasks like household chores, it’s common for intimate moments to take a backseat. But a decline in sex doesn’t necessarily mean there’s a lack of sexual desire.

In a small 2020 study, 15 women in long-term relationships all reported that sexual desire for their long-term partners sharply declined over the course of their relationships. But when both partners felt safe to openly and honestly talk about their needs, they were able to come up with “creative ways for creating closeness,” often leading to sex.

3 Ways to Initiate Sex

The following steps will help you get more creative with initiating sexual experiences, whether you’re in a new relationship or you’ve been with your partner for decades.

We’ll also share what you can do if you feel like ED or premature ejaculation is holding you back from a fulfilling sex life.

1. Be Direct, But Don’t Pressure

Open communication pays off. Before you outdo yourself with creative gestures, try the most obvious: Be direct.

“Want to have sex?” may sound pretty boring or formal, but it can also be effective. You can take it even further by being specific about what you want and how you want it. Just be sure you’re willing to hear your partner’s desires, too.

Asking for sex directly is also a good way to get verbal consent.

Research shows that even in long-term relationships, people only know 62 percent of what their partner enjoys sexually — and just 26 percent of what they don’t. Talking openly and honestly about your sexual needs can increase your connection and satisfaction in the bedroom.

And being direct doesn’t mean laying on the pressure. When your partner feels obligated, it’s more likely to lead to relationship conflict than great sex.

Can’t find the right words to express what you want? You can still be direct without having to say a word. Brush up on your dirty talk via sexting or send a (solicited) photo or two.

2. Try Non-Verbal Cues

Non-verbal cues are easy ways to initiate sex without actually asking for sex. These cues can be pretty much anything, maybe a secret hand squeeze or eyebrow dance only you two see as a cue.

Other subtle ways to initiate sex with your partner include:

• Brushing against them in the hallway, even if there’s plenty of room to get by

• Flashing a flirtatious look

• Opting for a passionate kiss over a quick peck

• Treating them to a massage

Establishing cues beforehand can be helpful so your partner knows what you mean when you bust out the secret DTF handshake.

Non-verbal cues can also be useful if you (or your partner) simply aren’t that comfortable talking about sex.

3. Invest in Emotional Intimacy

Lighting some candles and curating a sexy playlist is great, but have you asked about your partner’s day?

Studies show a link between higher levels of emotional intimacy and higher sexual desire. This indirectly increases sexual intimacy. Emotional intimacy can look different in every relationship but mostly involves a sense of connection and warmth.

While asking about your partner’s day is one way to foster emotional intimacy, doing the dishes is another.

In a study that looked at gender and sexual negotiation in long-term marriages, female partners reported feeling less happy in the relationship when household chores weren’t split fairly. When the division of labor is lopsided, it can actually affect how willing your partner is to be intimate.

Tips for Initiating Intimacy

Building sexual tension can start long before you hit the bedroom. It just takes a bit of planning.

Here are some fun ways to initiate physical intimacy outside of the bedroom.

Build Up Sexual Tension All Day Long

If you want to have sex tonight, make it an all-day pursuit.

Think of creative ways to build up sexual tension throughout the day. This could involve sending flirty sexts or squeezing in a video call if you’re not in the same place.

If you are in the same place, touch and make out often, even if you’re not planning on having sex at that very moment.

In fact, being physically affectionate and interested in your partner outside of the bedroom can lead to more affection in the bedroom later.

If you only offer these types of gestures right before sexual activity, your partner might feel objectified. Think of foreplay as something that begins outside of the bedroom.

Redefine Foreplay

It’s okay to have your go-to moves, but foreplay comes in all different flavors — and it can be thrilling to try something new.

Here’s what you can try:

• Listen to a sexy podcast together.

• Reminisce about sexual experiences from early in your relationship.

• Share a new sexual fantasy.

• Watch porn together.

• Start in the shower.

• Make or download a yes/no/maybe list with new sex positions, fantasies, products, etc.

Some people only need a few minutes of foreplay to feel satisfied, while others may enjoy an hour of buildup. It’s up to you and your partner to decide what works.

Explore even more foreplay ideas.

Break Out the Sex Toys

Sex toys can level up your foreplay game or be part of the main event.

Some premium sex toys to consider:

• Penis ring. Worn at the base of the penis, this silicone cock ring applies light pressure and slows blood flow for a longer, harder erection. It features internal and external grooves and provides extra stimulation for you and your partner.

• Prostate massager. This vibrating massager has 35 settings to help you find the perfect combo of rhythm and pressure. Providing both P-spot and G-spot stimulation, it can be used solo or during partnered sex, and it works best with water-based lube.

• Penis vibrator. Also worn at the base of the penis, this vibrating cock ring maximizes pleasure for both you and your partner. With five pulsing patterns and five intensities, it also prolongs endurance, helping you have a harder erection for a longer amount of time.

• Bullet vibrator. This bullet vibrator is compact, but don’t underestimate its power. With three vibration settings, you can use it to stimulate your partner’s clitoris or perineum. Then, they can return the favor by holding it against your testicles or perineum during oral sex. The simple design of this sex toy means it’s versatile, so go ahead and be inventive with it.

Appeal to Their Love Language(s)

Marriage counselor Gary Chapman coined the five love languages in 1992:

• Words of affirmation

• Acts of service

• Receiving gifts

• Quality time

• Physical touch

According to Chapman, everyone receives love in a different language, and knowing your partner’s language is crucial to having a better relationship and better sex.

Though the concept of love languages has been debunked by relationship scientists, there’s still value in acknowledging your partner’s likes and dislikes in the bedroom, even if they don’t line up with yours. And Chapman’s five love languages provide a simple framework and starting point.

Here are some ways to use the love languages to initiate sex:

• Words of affirmation. Shower your partner with compliments, be specific about what you find hot about them, and tell them how much they turn you on.

• Acts of service. If you know what foreplay your partner likes, make them the center of attention by offering your services. Or you can start outside the bedroom by bringing them their favorite drink or running a hot bath.

• Receiving gifts. A new sex toy, a piece of lingerie, or even a surprise sext can count as a gift to get things going. Maybe they shared a fantasy with you in the past — here’s your moment to make it a reality.

• Quality time. Clear the schedule, silence your phone, and give your partner your full attention. You might even plan a date night somewhere new to signal your desire for quality time with them.

• Physical touch. Cuddles, kisses, massages — express your interest through physical affection and offer it generously in the moments leading up to sex.

Explore Kinks and Fetishes Together

Never explored kink as a couple? Don’t be afraid of the newness of it all.

According to a 2023 study, new experiences with a romantic partner boost desire by offering the perfect balance of “closeness and otherness.” This otherness involves a sense of mystery and the opportunity to see your partner in a new light.

Starting a conversation about kinks and fetishes is a spicy way to initiate sex.

Some kinks you may want to explore include:

• Role play or cosplay

• BDSM, Shibari, or dom/sub dynamics

• Cuckolding and cuckqueaning

• Exhibitionism

See our article for more sexual trends to try out.

Put Sexy Time On the Calendar

Scheduling sex may not seem sexy, but it can be an effective tactic for people in long-term relationships, especially if you lead hectic lives. It can also take the pressure off of who should initiate sex first.

Some research shows that scheduling sex can enhance sexual desire, even in women with low sex drives.

Putting sex on the calendar doesn’t just ensure you’re prioritizing sexual intimacy — it can also build up sexual tension as you slowly reach the allotted time.

Sometimes, the only thing keeping you from initiating sex is a sexual health issue like ED or PE. Addressing these issues with a healthcare provider or sex therapist can help give you back your sexual confidence.

Here’s what you can do if you need a little extra support.

For Erectile Dysfunction

If you have trouble getting or staying hard, you may be hesitant to initiate sex with a fear your erection will fail.

Erectile dysfunction (ED) is the inability to get or maintain an erection sufficient for satisfying sex. Root causes can be physical or mental — including performance anxiety.

Therapy can help here, or you can explore ED medication. You may know these medications by their brand names Cialis® (tadalafil), Viagra® (sildenafil), and Stendra® (avanafil).

While you can take tadalafil daily, both sildenafil and avanafil are meds you take right before sex. That way, you can be sure that when you’re initiating sex, you’ll be able to perform successfully.

For Premature Ejaculation

Maybe you’re afraid to come on to your partner because you think you might finish too fast.

Therapy can help with this, or you can consider using other tools and techniques.

Thicker condoms or a climax-control condom containing the numbing agent benzocaine can help reduce sensitivity.

You could also try a benzocaine delay wipe before initiating sex. Or, explore strategies like the squeeze technique.

Healthcare providers sometimes prescribe antidepressants like sertraline (generic Zoloft®) or paroxetine (generic Paxil®) for PE.

For Low Sex Drive

It can be difficult to know how to start sex when you never feel in the mood.

If you or your partner are dealing with a low sex drive, it’s important to know that a bigger medical issue could be at play. Hormonal imbalances like low testosterone can tank your libido. So can mental health issues like depression or anxiety.

Unhealthy lifestyle choices like excessive drinking, lack of exercise, or poor diet can also impact libido.

Ruling out medical issues, talking to a therapist, and optimizing your lifestyle are a few actionable steps you can take to boost your sex drive and your overall health.

Whether you’re having sex for the first time with a new partner or are looking for tricks on how to initiate sex in a long-term partnership, confidence is key.

If you think you could use some support to boost your self-esteem and feel more confident in your romantic relationships, consider seeing a therapist to talk through what’s holding you back.

If you’re ready to use some of the tips mentioned above, remember:

• It’s common to feel nervous when initiating sex. It can be especially nerve-wracking if you’ve been rejected in the past or you’re in a new relationship.

• Before getting creative, try being direct. If partners feel safe to openly and honestly communicate their sexual desires, they’re more likely to act on them.

• Don’t be afraid to mix things up. Using body language to express desire, trying a new sex toy, or talking about kinks can all be exciting ways to spice up your sex life.

• Initiating sex is hard when you’re struggling with a sexual issue like ED or PE. See a therapist, consider medication, or try techniques to improve erectile function and sexual confidence. Get advice from a healthcare professional to see if medication is right for you.

Want to learn more ways to be confident in the bedroom? See our guides on how to deal with sexual frustration and how to relax during sex.