What You Can Learn From Your Sexual Fantasies

Have you ever had a sexual fantasy that you had no interest in fulfilling in your actual sex life?

For example, I have a good friend who fantasizes about her husband cheating on her when he’s away on business trips. “I don’t want him to cheat on me in real life,” she assures me. “But sometimes, when we’re having sex, I pretend he’s thinking about this other woman because he likes her more. Or, I’ll look at porn of cheating husbands screwing their co-workers while their wife is at home with the kids.”

It can feel strange to be turned on by mental images of your worst fears coming true, but sex fantasies, like dreams, can be difficult to decode. This doesn’t mean they’re unhealthy, though.

To understand a bit more about fantasies, I gathered some of the most popular ones below and researched why we have them, what they mean, and how to explore them safely.

Sexual fantasies, which refer to mental images or daydreams that trigger sexual arousal, are a normal component of a healthy sex life. Studies show they are linked to higher self-esteem and decreased anxiety.

Even fantasies that may seem unusual or deviant are probably more common than you think. Researcher Dr. Justin J. Lehmiller of the Kinsey Institute spent two years studying the sex fantasies of over 4,000 men and women and discovered:

• People fantasize for many reasons. The most common include a desire for sexual arousal, curiosity about different sexual experiences and sensations, and having unfulfilled sexual needs. The least common reason was because they found the current partner undesirable.

• Sexual fantasies can be sexual desires. Seventy-nine percent of respondents said they wanted to act on their favorite fantasies, suggesting some fantasies are unfulfilled sexual desires.

• Most people don’t act on their sexual fantasies. Only around 23 percent of respondents have acted on their favorite fantasies.

• There are some gender differences. Women place more emphasis on where they’re having sex, while men focus more on who they’re having sex with.

• It’s very common to fantasize about your current sexual partner. Ninety percent of respondents have fantasized about their current partner, and 51 percent do so often.

If you fantasize about BDSM, group sex, or exhibitionism, you’re not alone. Numerous respondents mentioned these fantasies in Lehmiller’s research, among many others. But what do they mean?

Below, we’ve compiled a list of sexual fantasies and what they might reveal about you or your relationship. But don’t be worried if your fantasy didn’t make the cut. A study that tried to determine what makes a fantasy abnormal or atypical discovered there are many more common fantasies than atypical ones.

Group Sex

Group sex, including orgies and threesomes, was one of the most popular fantasies cited in Lehmiller’s study. Most people who fantasize about group sex like imagining themselves as the center of attention. You may lean towards this fantasy if you’re curious about adding novelty or excitement to your sex life (even if you don’t plan on acting on it).

According to Lehmiller, a group sex fantasy can also be related to exhibitionism and voyeurism if you like to fantasize about being watched or watching others in a group setting, like a sex party or swingers event.

Public Sex

Another common fantasy is having sex in a public place where you risk getting caught.

According to Sofie Roos, a sexologist and contributor at the Swedish magazine Passionerad, this type of fantasy can stem from a lack of excitement in your everyday life, including a boring job or routine sex life. “People who are into having sex outside of the home are generally longing for adventure,” she says.

Power Dynamics

One of the most popular kinks is BDSM, which stands for bondage, discipline (or domination), sadism, and masochism. It can involve a number of sex practices and roleplaying games like spanking, blindfolds, strap-ons, and more, with one person assuming the dominant role and the other being submissive.

“Fantasizing about being submissive is often rooted in having a hectic life where you have much responsibility and feel that what’s expected from you is stressful,” says Roos. “To then be submissive during sex is a way to escape that feeling and enter a role where you just let go.”

The opposite is true of the dominant role. She says people who feel like they have little power in their everyday lives get off on being more “in control” during sex.

Non-Monogamy or Open Relationships

If you fantasize about non-monogamy, you may like imagining having sex with other people or your partner having sex with other people.

Roos says that this fantasy may stem from a lack of “stimulating sex” with your partner or when you feel that you’ve tried almost everything and need to push the limits. So, if you’re in a long-term relationship, you may be turned on by the novelty of new sexual encounters, even if you don’t plan on pursuing new partners IRL.

What about fantasies like the one my friend has about her husband cheating on her? I asked Daniel Z. Lieberman, MD, SVP of Mental Health at Hims & Hers, why some people have sexual fantasies that can be emotionally upsetting. He says, “The things we fantasize about are not always under our control. Many fantasies come unbidden, and sometimes they can involve unsettling themes, such as violence or infidelity.” He says such fantasies can be related to early experiences in your life you haven't yet come to terms with. They can also present opportunities for self-exploration.

“Maybe there's a part of you you're pushing away, and that part is pushing back to make itself known. Whatever the reason, it's a good idea to reflect on your sexual fantasies, especially the ones that seem uncharacteristic of the person you think you are,” says Dr. Lieberman. “You may not be able to unravel the meaning right away, but if you get in the habit of paying attention to the themes and speculating on what they might mean, you'll probably learn some interesting things about the deeper regions of your psyche.”

Sexual Fluidity and Gender-Bending

It’s not uncommon to fantasize about having a different sexual orientation or exploring a different gender identity.

According to Roos, fantasizing about gay sex even though you don’t identify as gay may stem from a previous curious phase that you didn’t have the chance to explore fully.

In Lehmiller’s study, 59 percent of exclusively straight women had a same-sex fantasy vs. 26 percent of exclusively straight men. And 1 in 4 men and women had fantasized about cross-dressing. Nearly 1 in 3 had fantasized about trading bodies with the other sex.

Age Gap Fantasy

If one of your turn-ons is sleeping with someone older or younger than you, then you may have an age-gap fantasy.

“When you’re young, it’s common to dream about having sex with someone older to feel how it is to be with someone experienced,” says Roos. Conversely, an older person might fantasize about someone younger than them to remember how sex felt “when they were young themselves.”

If you’re curious about acting out a sexual fantasy, follow these tips:

• Share your fantasies with your partner. Research shows that couples who talk about sex regularly have better sex lives. If you don’t feel like your partner will respond negatively, take turns sharing your fantasies with each other.

• Talk to a sex therapist. If your sexual fantasies are causing distress or you think acting on them or sharing them can cause problems in your relationship, consider talking to a sex therapist or other mental health professional to get support.

• Establish boundaries. Talking about and respecting boundaries in a relationship and during sex are always important, especially if you’re exploring new sexual experiences. If you’re considering acting on a BDSM fantasy, be sure to do so with a partner you trust and communicate thoroughly about what you both want to get out of the experience. Also, be sure to have safe words you can use to stop the experience at any time.

• Stay safe. When having sex with new partners, always use condoms to help prevent STIs and unplanned pregnancies.

• Don’t break the law. Keep in mind that some sexual fantasies, like public sex, are illegal. In some cases, letting a fantasy remain a fantasy is the best approach.

Sexual fantasies are a normal part of a healthy sex life. Studies that have attempted to define “abnormal” or atypical fantasies have revealed there are many more common fantasies than uncommon ones. Here’s what we know:

• Sexual fantasies are normal and diverse. Sexual fantasies are a normal part of a healthy sex life. They can stem from various motivations, including curiosity, arousal, or unfulfilled needs.

• Fantasies may reflect emotional needs. Many fantasies are tied to deeper emotional needs. For example, BDSM fantasies may arise from a desire to reverse everyday power dynamics, while fantasies about public sex can reflect a longing for excitement or adventure.

• Safe exploration requires communication and boundaries. Exploring fantasies ethically and safely involves open communication with partners, clear boundary setting, and consideration of mutual consent. Consider seeking professional advice, such as from a sex therapist, to navigate fantasies that cause distress.

Looking for more ideas to upgrade your sex life? Check out this article on how to spice up your sex life, explore non-penetrative sex ideas, and learn a few tricks on how to get turned on.

Visit our sexual health page to find everything from condoms and lube to erectile dysfunction medication.