Do Open Relationships Work?

Unlike emperor penguins and prairie voles, humans aren’t biologically programmed to be monogamous. Throughout history, most human societies (like most of the animal kingdom) have practiced some form of non-monogamy.

Some researchers think that monogamy came about in response to the Agricultural Revolution. As hunter-gatherers became farmers, the human population exploded, and people began to settle in larger residential groups where disease was more likely to spread. Being monogamous meant lowering your risk of disease (which could lead to infertility, among other things).

It’s unclear how many people practice non-monogamy today, but current research points to low numbers. One survey of American adults with 1,421 respondents found that just 1.6 percent reported being in an open relationship over the past year.

It’s also possible that many of those practicing non-monogamy aren’t vocal about it. After all, non-monogamy continues to be highly stigmatized by outsiders even when both partners have consented to it. One way to counteract this stigma is to talk about it more.

So, let’s talk about it. To better understand non-monogamy, we surveyed 20 people who have been in or are currently in an open relationship. We discussed the good and the bad and what you should know if you’re considering making this shift in your relationship. Keep reading to find out what they said.

Being in an open relationship means different things to different people. Ethical non-monogamy, relationship anarchy, open marriage, polyamory, monogamish, and even that old 70s term “swinging” are all terms that describe different types of open relationships.

According to researchers, these relationship structures are united by the fact that the individuals involved agree to non-monogamy and communicate openly and honestly about that decision. However, “open relationship” typically means that couples retain emotional intimacy within a primary relationship and seek out additional casual or sexual partners.

Here are a couple of the ways our survey respondents described how open relationships work:

• “A relationship where both parties have the freedom to explore any type of connection with other people, within defined agreements.” —Martha*., F, 51

• “I am free to explore connections with anyone I’d like as long as my partner(s) are informed of my explorations as much or as little as they would like based on previously discussed boundaries.” —Jamie, F, 47

Do open relationships work? Anyone who has ever considered a non-monogamous relationship has asked themselves this question. Based on our survey, it appears that yes, they can work, even in the long run.

Seventeen of our respondents were currently in open relationships. Of those 17, five relationships had been going on longer than 10 years, three were longer than five years, and seven were longer than a year.

Twelve of those 16 respondents had also been in open relationships in the past, suggesting they weren’t just “trying out” something new.

Here’s what some of the respondents said about why their open relationships are successful:

• “You never have to feel the pressure of meeting all your partner’s needs or of having to find a perfect partner who meets all your needs.” —Shea, Non-binary, 28

• “I get to have a rich, full life that I share with them. Plus I appreciate not having to put artificial limits on where my connections may lead—acquaintance, friend, bestie, lover, partner… they can be anything that makes sense.” —Michael, M, 54

• “I don’t believe that one person can or should fulfill all of your needs and desires. I have robust friendships, partnerships and lovers and it leads to a full life. I think the move toward and focus on one person meeting all of our needs and being our everything is pretty isolating.” —Birch, genderqueer, 42

• “I have the freedom to explore whatever opportunities are presented to me in whatever way I choose. I also feel like it helps me stay connected to my partner and not become complacent about our relationship because I know that they have other options. I also love seeing the way my partner(s) express their love for other partners.” —Jamie, F, 47

In one 2019 study, researchers spent two months tracking 233 monogamous couples who were planning to engage in consensual non-monogamy. At the end of the study, 155 couples had opened up, and 78 had not.

The research suggested that couples who pursued new partners had significant increases in sexual satisfaction. This was especially true if they were aiming to address sexual incompatibilities with their primary partners. On the other hand, those who did not open up experienced negative changes in sexual satisfaction throughout the study.

Why did sexual satisfaction increase? Researchers had a few theories. One was that monogamous people who opened up were able to have novel and exciting sexual experiences. Another was that opening up leads couples to communicate better about their sex lives. This aligns with previous research that shows sexual communication is crucial for sexual satisfaction.

Here are some of the additional benefits mentioned by our survey respondents:

• “Not being required to give up the chance for connection just because someone was here first.” —Laura, F, 51

• “My partner(s) and I can express attraction without fears of disloyalty and jealousy because we talk about needs and boundaries a lot. There's a lot of open communication about needs, desires, and care.” —John, Trans Man, 31

• “Ability to experience same-sex connection while in a multi-gendered relationship.” —Joseph, M, 34

• “The greatest benefit is that it is such an effective and arrayed tool for personal growth: checking ego, mindfulness, emotional awareness, etc.”  —Jesse, M, 40

In some cases, being in an open relationship may even push you to be a better version of yourself. According to Paul Aaron Travis, a sex educator and founder of The School for Love, “I'm far better a partner than in monogamy, where I knew the other person wouldn't go anywhere — this helps me remember to be my best self because she has other people she could be with.” He says that while open relationships aren’t easy, they are “more intimate and higher quality.”

Like any relationship, being open can be hard work.

According to Hannah Reeves, LMFT, a Los Angeles-based relationship counselor and dating coach, “Contrary to what other people might think, it can be very time-consuming and draining. Dating and trying to build connections with other people whilst still having to show up for an existing relationship can be exhausting.”

She also mentions a challenge shared by many of our respondents: jealousy. She says, “There is also the elephant in the room, the jealousy. It can sometimes creep in no matter how okay you believe you are with it. So you have to constantly check yourself as things go on.”

Other challenges mentioned include:

• “Some people will act like they want an open relationship only to later on show resentment and then try to dismantle your relationships. There’s also some people who use it as a way to abuse an unwilling partner. They will manipulate them into agreeing to it when they were never comfortable with it.” —Tasha*, F, 30

• “I don't always feel like I can talk about my relationships the way that my colleagues, family members, or friends might talk about theirs. Many people think I am disloyal, cheating, or overly sexual because of my relationship structure, and I feel judged.” —John, Trans Man, 31

• “It can be hard to navigate the psychic complexities of relationships with multiple people simultaneously. Scheduling, emotions, time management, communication, relationship building can all take a lot of time and energy.” —Rajan, M, 59

• “It can be easy to let new relationship energy overwhelm your ability to make rational and thoughtful decisions. I have seen people do very hurtful things because they want to get what they want, and I know a lot of people who have had relationships blow up because they were unable to manage the complexity of emotions involved.” —Sienna, F, 30

What do non-monogamous folks do to keep their primary and romantic relationships strong? Do they have rules? What do those look like?

Some tips shared by our respondents include:

• “Communicate more than you think you need to. Don't lose sight of your existing relationships when chasing a new one.” —Nathan, M, 38

• “No dating close family/friends.” —Laura, F, 51

• “Only consider it if both of you are interested. When one person has to be convinced it often doesn't work out. If you are going to do it then make sure you establish what the boundaries are going to be in as much detail as possible.” —Hannah, F, 33

• “Talk to people, read a lot, see what works for you, and know you'll make mistakes, it's how you learn from them that matters.”  —Ramsey, M, 29

• “Regular STI testing.”  —Martha*, F, 51

According to Leah Carey, Sex & Intimacy Coach and host of the podcast Good Girls Talk About Sex, you should never open a relationship to “fix” something. She says, “Start from a healthy relationship, not trying to fix problems—if you're opening because there are problems you haven't been able to solve other ways, it's 99.99 percent certain that it will be a disaster. It's like getting pregnant to save a relationship—it exposes the cracks and makes them even deeper.”

Some of the respondents mentioned meeting their partners on dating apps where they had mentioned their preference for non-monogamous or polyamorous relationships up front. If you are not in a relationship but want to pursue a non-monogamous one, stating your preference for an open relationship on your dating profile seems like the most straightforward way to find one that works.

If you’re already in a relationship and want to open up, you should do so cautiously. Prepare for an ongoing conversation and make space for the range of emotions that may come up on both sides. You may benefit from talking to a therapist or seeing a relationship counselor first if you need more support for your mental health.

As Reeves explains, “You have to be very comfortable with your decision, as once you open things up, it can be harder to close things off again and make things exclusive.”

Based on the results of our survey, it appears that open relationships can and do work if both partners are willing to communicate openly. While these types of relationships present challenges, such as managing jealousy, many individuals find that the benefits—like increased intimacy and personal growth—can far outweigh the difficulties. The key to maintaining a successful primary partnership lies in establishing clear boundaries, having honest dialogue, and approaching the relationship with a willingness to learn and adapt. Here are some key takeaways to consider:

• Open relationships can take various forms. Ethical non-monogamy, polyamory, and swinging are all forms of open relationships. Yours can look however you want it to, but most successful open relationships are united by honest communication and mutual consent regarding the terms of non-monogamy.

• Open relationships can be stable and fulfilling. Among those currently in open relationships, a significant number had maintained their relationship for over a year, with some lasting over a decade.

• There are numerous advantages to being in an open relationship. They include increased physical intimacy, personal growth, and the freedom to explore new sexual and emotional connections without guilt or jealousy. The experience of multiple sexual relationships often enhances communication and intimacy within primary partnerships.

• There are also challenges. Despite the benefits, open relationships can be complex and challenging. Common issues include jealousy, time management, and societal stigma. The most important thing is practicing frequent communication to navigate these challenges successfully.

If you’re considering an open relationship, it’s important to do so from a place of stability rather than as a remedy for existing problems. This approach is more likely to lead to a successful open relationship.

For more ideas on how to improve your sex life, check out our sexual health products, review these 11 tips on how to have better sex, and learn how to become more sexually confident.