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10 Ways to Spice Up Your Sex Life

Kelly Brown MD, MBA

Reviewed by Kelly Brown, MD

Written by Geoffrey C. Whittaker

Published 07/09/2021

Updated 04/13/2024

So, you’re in a sexual rut. It happens to the best of us — date night has become predictable, your sexual bucket list isn’t getting any shorter and your sexting game is leaving you on read. Buddy, your sex life needs some help.

Before you go running off to buy a blindfold and some handcuffs and book a hotel room with thick walls, sit down and read the rest of this guide to making sex more… flavorful.

Below, we’ve shared a few reasons that great sex may be eluding you, how making love in new and exciting ways doesn’t mean changing your whole game and what to do if you think health issues may be holding your game back.

Your sexual connection with your partner is what makes for great sex, whether you’re both pros or at it for the first time. Sure, plenty of men out there will say something like, “Any sex is good sex.” We’ve all heard that tired old joke.

The reality is that good sex is important, and it’s a two-way street between you and your partner. You have to take improving your sex life seriously if you want to be a better lover.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with a “routine” sex life, and if both you and your partner enjoy that familiarity, it might be the perfect recipe for you two.

On the other hand, you may feel like your bedroom needs some spring cleaning or sprucing up, especially if your excitement is declining, your sex is less frequent, the dirty talk is neither dirty nor talkative or you’re not having sex at all.

Dry periods happen, of course. One study found that more than 15 percent of men aged 18 to 89 self-reported not having sex in the past year and eight percent saying they’ve been sex free for five years.

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Tying your partner up and teasing them with ice cubes might break the sexual tension, but it’s not a long-term fix. Breaking out of a rut might require multiple conversations, practice and more than just lingerie — especially if you’re in a long-term relationship and you’ve been ignoring the problem for a while.

There’s no one-size-fits-all formula for a healthy sex life, but the advice we’ve collected below represents some of the best tools, tips and tricks for making your sexual experience better each time. Find something that works for you, and give it a try.

1. Educate Yourself About Sex-Related Issues

Intimacy problems are common, and these days there are lots of resources that can help you and your partner educate yourselves on how to spice things up in the bedroom. So get to learning.

Classes and other in-person instruction are a great way to get more comfortable talking and acting intimately, but if you’re more private about your research, watching videos (yes, including watching porn together) and even listening to podcasts can be helpful. Just make sure the hosts are qualified to give medical advice — a certified sex therapist, doctor, nurse or counselor is always best.

2. Build Some Stamina

Building sexual stamina increases both the length of time you can have sex for and how long you can have sex without muscle cramps — we really can’t say enough good things about exercise.

One type of exercise many men ignore is pelvic floor exercises, or kegels, which strengthen your pelvic floor — the muscles that can help you avoid finishing too early.

Our guide to pelvic floor exercises for men has more on how, and how often, to do these exercises, but we’d advise you mix them in with real workouts to improve your physical fitness inside and out.

3. Try New Positions

New positions don’t require you to be a contortionist for maximum pleasure. In fact, different positions may be as simple as doing the same thing at a different angle.

Switching it up does more than change the scenery, though. You can often unlock deeper forms of pleasure by focusing more attention on erogenous zones, such as the G-spot and prostate. Just remember to stretch before trying anything that would break the action figures you had as a kid.

4. Try Using Toys and Accessories for Better Sex

Speaking of toys, why not bring some into the bedroom. These days every list of sex tips includes at least a few vibrators, beads, handcuffs or wearable accessories.

What you should buy largely depends on what you and your partner agree to try out (communication is key), but new toys like cock rings or this penis vibrator can enhance pleasure for both you and your partner during penetration.

Oh, and lube. Lube’s importance can never be overstated, according to research.

5. Confess Some Sexual Fantasies

Are you into BDSM? Does your partner know?

One of the reasons that so many couples engaged in kink and roleplay seem to be enjoying themselves is that they’ve communicated their sexual fantasies with their partners.

Sure, there’s some understandable fear tied to this level of vulnerability, but these conversations will help reveal the keys to making your desires real.

Start out small, like suggesting that you watch porn together and take turns selecting the video. You can both be vanilla at first — the flavor comes as you both relax and build trust.

Choose your chew

6. Make Space For Your Partner to Do The Same Things

By the way, the advice we’re giving you goes for both you and your partner, and it’s important that you take that knowledge into the bedroom with you.

Creating a judgment-free and supportive space for both of you to explore your sexual fantasies is a team-building exercise that HR wouldn’t approve of, but this isn’t supposed to be a job — it’s your sex life.

As you’re sharing your own fantasies and desires, it’s important that you give your partner the chance to do the same. After all, two high-stamina people and their fantasies are better than one, right?

On the other hand, listen when your partner says no, when they say they’re not in the mood and when they seem avoidant. Pushing for sex when your partner isn’t in the mood might seem like a good way to enjoy more sex together, but it can potentially create resentment and weaken your sexual connection.

Your partner is more than a sex machine, and your love life is about more than an orgasm count.

7. Get Treatment for Sexual Dysfunction

But while we’re talking numbers, how many times would you say you’ve been “the problem” recently? Don’t be ashamed, dude — premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction are common disorders for men and they can mess with your sex life, your self-confidence and your relationships.

Erectile dysfunction can be treated with erectile dysfunction medications like Viagra® (sildenafil), Cialis® (tadalafil) and Stendra® (avanafil). These are all in a class of medications called PDE5 inhibitors, which increase blood flow to your penis. FYI, if you’re looking for something a little more discrete, check out our hard mints chewable ED meds.

You might also talk to a healthcare provider about psychological ED, sexual performance anxiety and any symptoms of anxiety or depression you’ve been feeling lately. If your ED is psychological in nature, they may recommend different types of therapy to help.

As for premature ejaculation, selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) such as sertraline and paroxetine are sometimes prescribed to slow down orgasm and ejaculation. If you’re not into getting a prescription, over-the-counter treatments like our Delay Spray for Men can reduce sensitivity during sex, causing you to last longer.

8. Try Setting the Mood Before Sex

Of course, there are other ways to prepare. The right music, foreplay, sexting and lighting can all set the mood, as can scheduling a night out together just to enjoy each other’s company.

Make a playlist completely free of Jimmy Buffet songs, send them some flirty “thinking of you” DMs throughout the day and make sure not to eat or drink too terribly much before you get home.

9. Remember That Communication is Key

We’ve mentioned communication so much in this list because, well, it really is key. Research has shown that frequent communication is linked with increased orgasm frequency in women, and with a higher degree of sex and relationship satisfaction in both men and women.

Listen to your partner, keep their needs and worries in mind as you make plans and take action — and also remember not to hide your own thoughts. 

Fear of communicating is natural, but it’s also a roadblock to what you really want, so muscle through those fears and speak up.

10. Consider Talking to a Sex Therapist

While a book of sex positions, a magazine column of oral sex tips and some mutual masturbation may get you through the sexual doldrums, there’s no substitution for professional guidance, especially if things seem stuck. It’s a great way to foster better communication.

Therapy can help you with sexual performance anxiety, low self-esteem and depression, and some research suggests that it can help women with low sexual desire in some circumstances.

Therapy is one taboo we’re more than happy to help you drag out of the closet — it’s helpful, it’s not something to be ashamed of and you don’t have to do it alone.

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Here’s the reality: not everything will work for everyone. Because people’s sex drives, desires and tastes vary so much, there’s no precise formula to reinvigorate your sex life.

However, the tips and techniques above are a fantastic start.

  • Spicing up your sex life can take time and patience, but if you love your partner and want better sex, it’s worth putting in the work.

  • If you’re looking for ways to spice up sex, you can try new positions, treat erectile dysfunction and other forms of sexual dysfunction, listen to sex podcasts and consider experimenting with new sex toys or fantasies with your partner.

  • You and your partner can start to feel more connected to each other over time with practice and a supportive, judgment-free environment for experiments.

  • Chances are you’ll receive a double benefit from this process: you’ll learn how to deal with any problems you may be having right now and you’ll also demonstrate to your partner that they’re worth the effort. What a turn-on that would be.

Interested in learning more about improving your sex life? You can find out more about having better sex in our guide to maintaining a healthy sex life, or participate in an erectile dysfunction consultation online to access evidence-based medications for better sexual function.

So grab some metaphorical hot sauce (please, please do not use the real thing), put our advice into practice and start spicing things up today.

11 Sources

  1. Dirk Zimmer PhD (1983) Interaction Patterns and Communication Skills in Sexually Distressed, Maritally Distressed, and Normal Couples: Two Experimental Studies, Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 9:4, 251-265, https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/6663642/.
  2. MacPhee, D. C., Johnson, S. M., & Van der Veer, M. M. (1995). Low sexual desire in women: the effects of marital therapy. Journal of sex & marital therapy, 21(3), 159–182. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/7500368/.
  3. Jones, A. C., Robinson, W. D., & Seedall, R. B. (2018). The Role of Sexual Communication in Couples' Sexual Outcomes: A Dyadic Path Analysis. Journal of marital and family therapy, 44(4), 606–623. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29044661/.
  4. Crowdis M, Leslie SW, Nazir S. Premature Ejaculation. [Updated 2023 May 30]. In: StatPearls [Internet]. Treasure Island (FL): StatPearls Publishing; 2023 Jan-. Available from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK546701/.
  5. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. (n.d.-d). Treatment for erectile dysfunction - NIDDK. National Institute of Diabetes and Digestive and Kidney Diseases. https://www.niddk.nih.gov/health-information/urologic-diseases/erectile-dysfunction/treatment.
  6. Kim, J. H., Tam, W. S., & Muennig, P. (2017). Sociodemographic Correlates of Sexlessness Among American Adults and Associations with Self-Reported Happiness Levels: Evidence from the U.S. General Social Survey. Archives of sexual behavior, 46(8), 2403–2415. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5889124/.
  7. Gerbild, H., Larsen, C. M., Graugaard, C., & Areskoug Josefsson, K. (2018). Physical Activity to Improve Erectile Function: A Systematic Review of Intervention Studies. Sexual medicine, 6(2), 75–89. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5960035/.
  8. Rosenbaum T. Y. (2007). Pelvic floor involvement in male and female sexual dysfunction and the role of pelvic floor rehabilitation in treatment: a literature review. The journal of sexual medicine, 4(1), 4–13. https://tallirosenbaum.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/Pelvic-Floor-Involvement.pdf.
  9. Jeanne Ling & Elaine Kasket (2016) Let's talk about sex: a critical narrative analysis of heterosexual couples' accounts of low sexual desire, Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 31:3, 325-343, https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/14681994.2016.1152357.
  10. Kate S. Sutton, Stéphanie C. Boyer, Corrie Goldfinger, Paulina Ezer, Caroline F. Pukall, To Lube or Not to Lube: Experiences and Perceptions of Lubricant Use in Women With and Without Dyspareunia,The Journal of Sexual Medicine, Volume 9, Issue 1, 2012, Pages 240-250, ISSN 1743-6095, https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S1743609515337115.
  11. Dhaliwal A, Gupta M. PDE5 Inhibitor. [Updated 2020 Jun 23]. In: StatPearls [Internet]. Treasure Island (FL): StatPearls Publishing; 2021 Jan-. Retrieved from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK549843/.
Editorial Standards

Hims & Hers has strict sourcing guidelines to ensure our content is accurate and current. We rely on peer-reviewed studies, academic research institutions, and medical associations. We strive to use primary sources and refrain from using tertiary references. See a mistake? Let us know at [email protected]!

This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. The information contained herein is not a substitute for and should never be relied upon for professional medical advice. Always talk to your doctor about the risks and benefits of any treatment. Learn more about our editorial standards here.

Kelly Brown MD, MBA
Kelly Brown, MD

Dr. Kelly Brown is a board certified Urologist and fellowship trained in Andrology. She is an accomplished men’s health expert with a robust background in healthcare innovation, clinical medicine, and academic research. Dr. Brown is a founding member of Posterity Health where she is Medical Director and leads strategy and design of their Digital Health Platform, an innovative education and telehealth model for delivering expert male fertility care.

She completed her undergraduate studies at University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill (go Heels!) with a Bachelor of Science in Radiologic Science and a Minor in Chemistry. She took a position at University of California Los Angeles as a radiologic technologist in the department of Interventional Cardiology, further solidifying her passion for medicine. She also pursued the unique opportunity to lead departmental design and operational development at the Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center, sparking her passion for the business of healthcare.

Dr. Brown then went on to obtain her doctorate in medicine from the prestigious Northwestern University - Feinberg School of Medicine and Masters in Business Administration from Northwestern University - Kellogg School of Management, with a concentration in Healthcare Management. During her surgical residency in Urology at University of California San Francisco, she utilized her research year to focus on innovations in telemedicine and then served as chief resident with significant contributions to clinical quality improvement. Dr. Brown then completed her Andrology Fellowship at Medical College of Wisconsin, furthering her expertise in male fertility, microsurgery, and sexual function.

Her dedication to caring for patients with compassion, understanding, as well as a unique ability to make guys instantly comfortable discussing anything from sex to sperm makes her a renowned clinician. In addition, her passion for innovation in healthcare combined with her business acumen makes her a formidable leader in the field of men’s health.

Dr. Brown is an avid adventurer; summiting Mount Kilimanjaro in Tanzania (twice!) and hiking the incredible Torres del Paine Trek in Patagonia, Chile. She deeply appreciates new challenges and diverse cultures on her travels. She lives in Denver with her husband, two children, and beloved Bernese Mountain Dog. You can find Dr. Brown on LinkedIn for more information.

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