How to Ask for Sex

Going from “You look nice tonight” to “Wanna have sex?” can be tricky, whether you’re hooking up with someone new or trying to seduce your long-term partner after a dry spell.

Most of us can understand why being upfront and communicative is key to having a satisfying sex life and a healthy relationship. But sometimes, knowing how to ask for sex can be daunting. In these cases, trying new kinds of foreplay, discussing interests and turn-offs, and designing a romantic evening can be more effective.

Below, we’ll offer detailed tips for men who want to ask their partners or potential partners to have sex, whether it’s the very first time or just the first time in a while.

You’re getting good vibes and want to take the next step, but you’ve never had sex with this person before. What if they say no? What if they delete your number and never talk to you again?

Not sure how to ask a girl for sex? Think your new guy will turn you down? The following tips can help you tap into your confidence and initiate sex in a sensual, respectful way.

Talk about Likes and Dislikes

You don’t have to wait until you’re getting undressed to determine their preferences, aversions, or comfort level with sex. If you’re picking up on some sexual tension, you can try bringing up the topic in a low-pressure environment (think: when there aren’t other people around listening).

You might ask about their sexual history, like how long they typically wait to have sex when seeing someone new. If you’re both being flirty and it feels right, you can ask about their fantasies, their turn-ons and turn-offs, and maybe how they’d feel exploring things with you.

Having these types of conversations outside of the bedroom is a great way to build up anticipation while also assessing their level of interest. If they don’t come right out and say that they’re hoping to have sex with you soon, you may have to look for some more subtle signs.

Read Body Language

We’re not asking you to play detective, but we are asking you to be more observant. Whether you’re flirting with someone new at a bar or hanging out with someone you’ve been seeing for a while, it’s important to evaluate where things seem to be headed. Is it the right time to ask if they’re ready to take things a step further?

If they appear uncomfortable, drunk, high, or hesitant, try another time.

If your potential partner is a woman, you may be hoping that she’ll be the one to get things going. However, while some women are comfortable being sexually assertive, studies show that many women may feel uncomfortable initiating sex if they subscribe to traditional gender roles. They may feel like initiating sex is a threat to your masculinity, especially at the beginning of a relationship.

Get Clear Consent

Even if you’ve talked about your likes and dislikes and read their body language like a pro, it’s essential to get clear consent before you sleep with someone.

“Do you want to have sex?” works well enough, but you can also get more creative. Here are a few ideas:

• “Can I go down on you?” This is a direct and sexy question that works in a bit of foreplay.

• “Can I taste you?” It’s a more provocative way to suggest oral or a hot kiss.

• “Tell me what you want.” This places the ball in their court and shows you’re ready to please.

• “Do you want to try X?” If you’ve had a preliminary chat about their likes and dislikes, now is the time to prove you were listening. Ask them if they want to try one of their turn-ons with you.

• “How do you like to be touched?” If you didn’t have that preliminary convo, there’s no better time than now.

Remember: Consent is an ongoing process. It’s important to check in as things progress to ensure you’re both on the same page. This includes continuing to read body language. Research shows that both men and women are more likely to signal consent nonverbally than verbally, but clear verbal consent is always the way to go.

Discuss Safe Sex

Like consent, the topic of safe sex should be discussed before you start having sex. In fact, it can be part of the consent conversation to ask something like, “Should I go get a condom?” or “Do you have any condoms?”

You should also feel comfortable asking when they were last tested for STIs. If you’re not sure how to approach that conversation, try sharing when you were last tested.

It’s a good idea to get into the habit of carrying condoms with you, especially if you’re going out with someone you think you’d like to sleep with.

Want to learn more about having safe sexual experiences? Find out what to do if your partner has herpes, check out our condom size guide, and learn about 12 different types of condoms.

When it comes to how often you should be having sex, there’s no definitive answer. It is, however, common for sexual frequency to decline in long-term relationships as life gets busy and you and your partner fall into a predictable routine.

The following tips can help you learn how to ask your wife — or other long-term partner — for sex in an empathetic, gracious way.

Be Upfront

A study of 220 married couples revealed that being indirect about sexual intimacy was associated with lower sexual satisfaction.

If you want to have sex, say so. Be open and forthcoming about your sexual needs without laying on the pressure. You can keep it simple and go with, “Do you want to have sex?” or opt for one of the creative consent inquiries we shared above. As we said before, establishing consent is an ongoing process — even in long-term relationships.

Communicating your desire to have sex is also a way to build emotional intimacy, which can increase your chances of having sex even more. Some research has shown that higher levels of emotional intimacy lead to higher sexual desire in long-term relationships.

Sext

If you’re having trouble being verbally direct, try a sexy text message. This can help build sexual tension if you haven’t sexted before (or haven’t done so in a while).

And while the goal of sexting is usually to have sex, you may actually be strengthening your relationship at the same time. Some research shows there’s a link between couples who sext and relationship satisfaction.

Try New Foreplay Techniques

Some research shows that foreplay tends to be more frequent in the first six months of a relationship. However, couples in long-term relationships who continue to engage in foreplay report greater sexual satisfaction. Women are also more likely to have an orgasm if sex is preceded by foreplay.

Foreplay can mean different things to different people, but it doesn’t hurt to try some new techniques. You can even use foreplay to ease into asking for sex.

Here are some ideas:

• Oral sex

• Massage

• Role-play

• Watch porn together

• Use a sex toy

• Listen to a sexy podcast

• Share fantasies

These foreplay ideas can also be fabulous alternatives to penetrative sex if your partner has expressed that they’re not in the mood for intercourse or they seem uninterested or hesitant to go there. Reminder: Great sex doesn’t have to involve penetration.

Buy a Sex Toy

Gifting a new sex toy to your partner is a clear signal that you want to have sex with them. You might even attach a note saying, “Want to give this a try?”

If you need some ideas, a bullet vibrator is a type of vibrator you can take turns using on each other. You can also surprise your partner with a hands-free wearable sex toy like a penis ring vibrator that can stimulate both of you at the same time.

According to one study of nearly 12,000 men and women, sex toy ownership and use were associated with higher sexual satisfaction and life satisfaction. Sex toy ownership was also related to higher relationship satisfaction when subjects used the toys with their partners.

Schedule Sex

We know, we know. Scheduling sex can seem unromantic. But it doesn’t have to be.

In a study that pitted spontaneous sex against planned sex, researchers discovered that sexual satisfaction is not dependent upon whether or not a sexual experience was planned. This was true even when subjects “endorsed” spontaneous sex, or considered it superior to planned sex when talking about it before the study.

Instead of looking at scheduled sex as boring, think how it can offer couples something to look forward to in the days and hours leading up to the allotted time.

See a Sex Therapist Together

Maybe you’ve tried all of our suggestions, and your partner still doesn’t show that they want to have sex with you. A therapist can provide guidance on how to effectively communicate your needs and desires to your partner. They may also be able to uncover the underlying reasons why you’re not having as much sex as you used to.

Talking about your sex life in front of a stranger can feel intimidating at first, but rest assured, these trained professionals have heard it all.

It’s easy to get tunnel vision when you’re eager to have sex, but it’s important to pick up on cues that it’s not the right time. You should never pressure or manipulate your partner or a potential partner into having sex.

Besides not asking for sex when your partner can’t give consent, you shouldn’t ask at the height of an argument or if your partner has already made it clear that they do not want to have sex.

Of course, a “no” isn’t always about you. They might be tired, stressed, distracted, or simply feel disconnected from you. If this is the case, it’s best to ask if they need some other kind of support or affection without the obligation to fulfill your sexual needs.

Your sexual health is an important component of your overall wellness. But it can be difficult to have the best sex of your life if you don’t know how to ask for it. Remember:

• Always get consent. No matter who things are heating up with, it’s important to ask for consent to ensure you both feel comfortable having sex.

• Read body language. If your partner appears hesitant, uncomfortable, or intoxicated, it’s not the right time to ask for sex.

• Be direct. Studies show that couples who are willing to talk about their sexual desires are more sexually satisfied. Couples with high levels of emotional intimacy had higher levels of sexual desire, too.

• Don’t skip foreplay. Long-time couples who engage in foreplay are more satisfied than couples who don’t. You may have your go-to moves, but there’s no harm in mixing things up. Try a sex toy, share sexual fantasies, sext, play dress-up, and surprise your partner with the unexpected to keep things steamy.

Need more support in the bedroom? Check out our sexual health offerings, which include prescription medication for issues like erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation, over-the-counter products like lube and condoms, and a wide collection of sex toys.

Want more tips? Check out our advice for reviving a relationship sexually and — if you’re into that kind of thing, learn some new techniques for pleasing a woman.