How Can I Keep Sex Fresh In My Long-Term Relationship?

Are you in a sexual dry spell in your relationship? You’re not the only one.

Losing interest in sex at some point in your relationship is common, especially in long-term relationships. According to one 2017 study of over 11,000 men and women, 15 percent of men and 34.2 percent of women reported losing interest in sex for three months or more in the previous year. Women who had been in relationships for more than a year were likelier to lose interest than those whose relationships were newer.

Can a sexual rut be avoided? Or do all long-term relationships inevitably lead to less sex?

To get some answers, we spoke to Deb Castaldo, PhD, LCSW, MS, a New York-based couples therapist and author of the forthcoming book, The Return to Love Playbook.

Before we get to Dr. Castaldo’s tips to reignite your sex life, you should know that dry spells don’t necessarily mean the end of your relationship.

A sexual dry spell refers to a prolonged period of reduced or absent sexual activity in a relationship. According to the International Society for Sexual Medicine, common causes of a dry spell include stress, communication problems, and hormonal changes that affect one’s libido or sex drive.

Dr. Castaldo says that dry spells also happen because couples stop putting energy into maintaining sexual intimacy. Once you do put in the work, she says that sexual health can remain vibrant until the end of life.

Though there are medical reasons that your libido might have ebbed (we’ll expand more on that below), Dr. Castaldo's tips focus on dry spells resulting from a lack of connection between a couple and how to repair it.

According to Dr. Castaldo, getting out of a long dry spell takes consistent action, creativity, and open communication. She also says it’s important to remember that “sex should be rejuvenating, refreshing, and, of course, for play. It’s not all that serious.” By taking on a playful attitude, you can reclaim your sexual connection.

Here are a few of Dr. Castaldo’s tips for keeping sex vibrant in a long-term relationship.

Focus on Your Companionship

According to Dr. Castaldo, the first step in getting out of a dry spell is to focus on your friendship. “Focus on your companionship and friendship first in order to fuel your erotic passion,” she says. “If you have been inactive for a long time, possibly even decades, work on reinvigorating your companionship and togetherness before attempting to jump into sexual activity. Build the emotional connection and closeness first.”

Work on Communication

“Great sex is built on great, open communication,” says Dr. Castaldo. “Start sharing your sexual desires, interests, and fantasies with one another. Those aspects may change over time, so it is important to keep communication flowing.”

Stage Your Sanctuary

Is your bedroom inviting and relaxing? Or is it a turn-off because of work papers, laundry baskets, and kids’ toys? Dr. Castaldo recommends making your bedroom a “private, pleasing retreat for intimacy.” Couples should consider revamping their intimate space and remember to have a lock for their door.

Go on a Shopping Spree

They say you can’t buy love, but: “Shopping for new attire, accessories, and toys together can be a huge turn-on or at least a hilarious adventure,” says. Dr. Castaldo. You can even find female-friendly adult movies with an actual storyline.

Do One Small Thing Differently Each Time

It’s common for sexual encounters to feel routine if you’ve been in a relationship for an extended period. “If you've gotten stuck in repetitive, boring sex, try committing to doing one small thing differently each time,” advises Dr. Castaldo. “Unearth your creativity and don't be afraid to experiment, but be sure to discuss each other's boundaries and be respectful of those.”

Try the "Shrink Wrap Hug”

Many people don’t know how to initiate sex after dry spells. “If you have not been together in a long time, a good way to reactivate desire is to wrap yourselves around one another in a comfortable position, and hold each other until completely relaxed,” says Dr. Castaldo. Couples should agree to have no expectation of sex. “The goal is simply getting comfortable with one another again,” she adds. “Try to pace each other by breathing together and matching and aligning yourselves heart to heart.”

Twenty-Second Hugs and Six-Second Kisses

Dr. Castaldo says that lingering in twenty-second hugs and six-second kisses can boost affectionate touch and activate the desire for foreplay. “The ‘love chemicals’ get released in the brain when touch, hugs, and kisses are more than a chicken peck or a brush while passing by in the hall,” she explains.

Steam It Up

“Heat is a great aphrodisiac,” says Dr. Castaldo. “There are a variety of ways you can literally add heat to your sexual experience. Pile on as many down comforters as you have, seal yourselves under them, and let the sweat pour! Another great activity is to turn up the heat, turn on a hot shower, and create your own personal steam room to enjoy with one another.” 

Keep Your Eyes Open

Keep the lights on and your eyes open, advises Dr. Castaldo. “Try locking into one another with eye contact and stay closely focused on each other throughout your experience, and don't blink for the best part: an intense ending.” 

In many cases, a dry spell can result from treatable issues that have long gone untreated. For men, this can include hormonal imbalances like low testosterone or sexual dysfunctions like erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation. Or, it can be linked to mental health issues that can be addressed through therapy or couples counseling. To have better sex, consider speaking with an expert to see if there’s a treatment plan for your exact needs.

If sex is off the table, there are also other non-penetrative sex ideas to consider to maintain physical intimacy, like mutual masturbation or oral sex. You can also explore different ways to express affection, like cuddling or making out.

Not sure how to enjoy sex after a long time without it? Consider these tips:

• Remember that a dry spell in a relationship doesn’t mean the end. Dry spells are common and can happen for various reasons outside your control, like medical conditions, mental health issues, and more. But they can also occur because couples stop putting energy into maintaining their sexual relationship.

• You must take action to get out of a dry spell. Dr. Castaldo suggests working on your companionship and communication, shopping for accessories, making your bedroom a sanctuary, and more.

• Get extra support if needed. If your lack of sex is linked to issues like mental health problems or sexual dysfunctions, consider seeing a sex therapist or other healthcare provider to get the help you need.

Dr. Castaldo says when you've been together a long time, sex is more about "being with one another and providing mutual pleasure, rather than expecting desire to magically activate itself.” 

Try her tips to activate each other instead.