How to Ask for a Blowjob: What We’ve Learned

Not sure how to ask for a blowjob? We surveyed 14 people to find out what works (and what doesn’t) when it comes to getting oral sex.

For some of our respondents, a direct, verbal approach works best. Others use body language or subtle cues already established with their partners to express their desires.

Why does any of this matter? Research shows that sex is one of the least discussed and most difficult topics for a lot of people. Yet, when partners do disclose their sexual needs, they are more likely to lead satisfying sex lives.

Knowing how to ask for a BJ isn’t just about getting your partner to say “yes,” either. Asking is a way to get clear consent from them, too.

Keep reading to get creative ideas on how to ask for a blowjob, what tactics may not work as well, and why the art of asking matters.

Many of our respondents keep their requests simple. If they want some fellatio, they ask. Others use a less direct approach. Here are some of the successful ways our respondents ask for BJs.

Being Direct

For some, direct is best:

• “I just ask my wife, ‘Could you give me a BJ tonight?’” —Andrew, 35

• “I told her I was going to shower and get nice and clean so she can suck it.” —Miguel, 33

• “‘Would you like to suck on it?’ I was 19, and she was 16. Proud to say she is still giving me oral 28 years later and has gotten much better at it.” —Adam*, 48

• “‘Hey, girl. I’d love for you to go down on me. It would feel amazing. Would you like that? To make me feel amazing?’” —Chris, 40

• “‘Can I have your mouth?’” —Will*, 32

Using Non-Verbal Cues

Others use non-verbal cues like eye contact or sensual touch during foreplay. Some even start with cunnilingus as a way to initiate reciprocation:

• “I’d always smile, look down at my crotch, and smile again with an ex, and she knew. She’d blush but then we’d hop into bed.” —Darren*, 51

• “I went down on her first, then asked if she’d return the favor.” —JG, 50

• “I had a girlfriend that loved my massages. A full body massage=BJ.” —Tre*, 50

They Play Little Games

Some of our respondents use flirty games to get to a BJ:

• “I tell them, ‘Every woman that thinks they give the best blowjob gives the worst one.’ I then ask them to prove me wrong later on.” —Harry*, 39

• “Little fun bets: If I win the bet, you give it to me. If you win, I give it to you.” —Tre*, 50

There are plenty of reasons why a guy might get turned down if he asks for a BJ. Maybe their partner is tired or just not in the mood. In some cases, our respondents were rejected based on the way their request was made.

For instance, Ray*, 46, said he had no luck with “clicking [his] fingers and pointing down.” That’s not surprising.

Harry*, 39, said he was rejected because he “expected it too much.”

We also asked a few women why they rejected men who wanted oral sex and found a few common turn-offs.

Suzy, 32, said she rejects guys with “bad manners,” while Sarah, 37, declines guys with “bad hygiene.”

The women who answered our survey had the following sex tips for men who want them to say yes to their BJ request:

• “Ask colloquially. Don’t make it formal.” —Linda*, 51

• “Just nicely, not demanding. ‘Babe, I really miss you sucking on me.’” —Sarah, 37

• “Passionately and in an already sexy moment…not out of the blue while draining pasta or on the loo.” —Suzy, 32

• “Politely, and in a sexy way.” —Hannah, 29

In a 2021 survey of 658 men and women in the U.K. and the U.S., women reported significantly lower levels of sexual consent feelings for certain sexual behaviors than men, with 31 percent having experienced at least one sexual behavior (from a list that included oral sex) against their will.

Asking for a BJ isn’t just dirty talk. It’s an opportunity to establish consent. Whether you’re initiating penetrative or non-penetrative sex for the first time or the 50th time, consent is essential and should never be assumed.

There are many ways a person can give consent, too. While an enthusiastic “Yes!” is the clearest response, your partner might prefer nonverbal consent like moaning, positioning the body to prepare for sex, or increasing physical contact. Pay attention to these cues.

And remember, consent for one sexual activity doesn’t necessarily mean consent for others. Always check in to ensure you both feel comfortable and want to proceed.

Find out more about how to ask for sex and what to say during sex.

Asking for a blowjob can be as straightforward or creative as you want it to be. While your partner may not always say yes, voicing your sexual needs and desires is always a good practice.

Remember:

• Direct communication works for a lot of people. Directly asking for oral sex can be effective, especially in established relationships.

• Non-verbal cues work for others. Subtle body language or initiating other forms of intimacy (e.g., giving a massage or trying the 69 sex position) can signal your interest in giving and receiving pleasure.

• Hygiene and manners matter. Poor hygiene and bad manners are common dealbreakers for women when asked for BJs. Our female respondents said they prefer non-demanding, respectful, and sexy requests.

• Asking for oral sex is more than a way to express desire. It also establishes explicit and enthusiastic consent.

Curious about other ways to heat things up in the bedroom? Check out our guide on how to please a woman, learn 11 tips on how to improve sexual performance, and explore our sexual health products like sex toys, lube, and more.

This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. The information contained herein is not a substitute for and should never be relied upon for professional medical advice. Always talk to your doctor about the risks and benefits of any treatment. Learn more about our editorial standards here.