What Are Friends With Benefits?

When Sofie Roos was in college, she had little time for a serious relationship due to the demands of her class load. One of her male friends felt the same way.

“We both were single and often talked about how lonely it gets and how we especially missed physical touch,” says Roos. Over time, those talks led to a sexual relationship, which they continued for almost two years. “We were friends even after finishing university, even though we haven’t seen each other in many years now.”

Roos’ story isn’t uncommon. One study on college students found that 60 percent had been in a “friends with benefits” relationship at some point, and 36 percent were currently having sex with “just a friend.”

We asked Roos, now a sexologist and contributor at the Swedish magazine Passionerad, what makes friends with benefits relationships work, what perks these types of relationships offer, and what drawbacks to consider.

Friends with benefits (FWB) are relationships that combine friendship with sexual activity. Unlike traditional relationships, FWBs are less likely to be exclusive or committed.

Roos says that while there are plenty of romantic relationships, such as “situationships” and being in a “no-strings-attached constellation,” FWB stands out because “it’s the only relationship where you're intimate and have agreed on only sticking to being friends that are sleeping together without starting to get more serious than that.”

“Compared to other kinds of romantic relationships, a FWB relationship also risks more since you actually have a good friendship that you put at risk of crushing in case someone catches deeper romantic feelings and wants to start dating.”

There’s no right or wrong way to establish a friends with benefits relationship. But Roos discourages people from trying this arrangement with very close friends. “If you’ve known each other for years and have a very good relationship, starting to have sex is a high-risk factor for someone getting feelings for the other one.”

She says trying to make a best friend a friend with benefits is too risky if you’re not ready to either fall in love or reject that friend. If this happens, Roos says that going back to having a normal friendship will be very difficult.

Setting boundaries is one of the first things you should do when navigating a friends with benefits arrangement.

Roos says the best way to do this is to clearly define what you expect from the relationship, either verbally or via text, so you can establish what you want and don’t want.

Once you have communicated this, it’s time to really consider whether you’re willing to risk your friendship. “This might sound very unsexy,” says Roos. “But the FWB relationships where you just start to have sex passionately without talking about it are doomed for someone getting false expectations and starting to catch romantic feelings, so plan your relationship as much as you can and set rules.”

These ground rules can include things like:

• Telling the other person if you start to feel more than just feelings of attraction and friendliness.

• Agreeing not to date other people, or agreeing to tell the other person if you do start dating someone else.

• Practicing safe sex and agreeing to get tested regularly for STIs if you have more than one sexual partner

She also says that it’s important to find the right balance between sex and intimacy. She says that many people new to these arrangements make the mistake of treating a friend with benefits like a more traditional romantic partner—doing things like kissing or holding hands, for example. "This is another factor that makes it easier to fall in love,” says Roos.

For Roos, the main benefit is that you’re having good sex and getting physical intimacy from someone even when you’re not ready for a serious romantic relationship. Sexual pleasure is coming from someone you already trust, which can be more fulfilling than one night stands, casual sex, or any other type of sexual relationship where you don’t know much about the person you’re sleeping with.

She also says that having sex in a FWB relationship is the closest one comes to the feeling of having sex with someone they love.

Roos says that the biggest risk is when one partner falls in love, but the other partner doesn’t feel the same way. This could mean the end of the friendship, which is a common outcome for people in FWB relationships.

She highlights the importance of communication again as a way to avoid this problem. “Make sure to talk with each other and have transparent communication around the sex.” She says this is the best way to make this type of relationship thrive.

Studies of people in FWB relationships have found that 59 percent of people who wanted to transition into an ordinary friendship typically did. In contrast, only 15 percent of people who wanted to transition into a romantic relationship from FWB were successful.

To maintain a healthy relationship, whether you’re in a committed or friends with benefits relationship, do the following:

• Practice safe sex to avoid STIs

• Check in regularly to ensure you’re both on the same page

• If you’re using a dating app, make sure to state in your profile that you’re specifically looking for friends with benefits

• If feelings of jealousy arise due to other sexual partners, talk openly about them

• Know when to step away from the arrangement (like if one of you is starting to get deeper feelings)

If you’re interested in entering a friends with benefits relationship, keep these things in mind:

• FWB relationships can be risky. Before you enter a FWB situation, it’s important to remember that you’re putting your friendship at risk if one of you catches deeper romantic feelings and wants to start dating.

• FWB relationships can also be incredibly fulfilling. Having a friend with benefits allows you to have physical intimacy without the constraints of a committed relationship or emotional attachment. Some people find these arrangements to be more satisfying than random hook-ups because they’re having sex with someone they already trust.

• It’s important to set rules. To go from “just friends” to friends with benefits, you should set expectations up front. It’s also a good idea to agree to tell each other if you’re starting to have deeper feelings to avoid heartbreak.

Want more tips on how to lead a healthier, happier sex life? Check out this guide on how to please a woman, explore new sex positions, and try out a sex toy the next time you play.