How Aftercare Improved My Relationship

When I was in college, I had a boyfriend who would ask me what songs I wanted to hear after sex and then play them on his guitar while I lounged in bed. If we had an extra vigorous session, he’d play them on his computer while we cuddled instead.

At the time, I didn’t know there was a name for what we were doing – sexual aftercare. I just thought of these moments as an extension of sex, a time to stay connected as we eased back into life.

These days, my spouse and I don’t always have time to reconnect after sex. We’ve been married over a decade and have a small child at home, so when we have sex, it’s often squeezed into those windows of time when our daughter is watching Bluey. But when we do fit in aftercare, we never regret it. These moments strengthen our communication, solidify our bond, and set a positive tone for the rest of the day. 

Below, you’ll learn more about what aftercare means in a relationship and how it can improve your connection, and find some examples of aftercare activities to try with your partner. (Don’t worry, you don’t need to learn to play the guitar.)

Also known as afterplay or pillow talk (though it doesn’t have to involve talking), aftercare refers to the emotional and/or physical care provided to one or both partners after an intimate experience.

The term is frequently used in the kink and BDSM communities to describe the emotional check-ins that take place after BDSM play and kinky sex. These kinds of sexual experiences can involve a lot of intense practices like dom/sub play, degradation, spanking, whipping, and other sexual activities that don’t necessarily align with who we are in our daily lives. In these situations, aftercare can help you wind down from the adrenaline rush of acting out extreme fantasies and provide a safe space for you to check in with each other.

But you don’t have to belong to the BDSM or kink communities to practice aftercare after sexual intercourse. Taking care of your partner and letting them take care of you after any type of sexual experience can be an important addition to your sex life by strengthening your emotional bond and preventing post-sex blues.

Most people recognize the importance of the build-up phase before sexual encounters, like flirting and foreplay, as well as the ongoing process of ensuring that both partners are giving enthusiastic consent. But aftercare is just as important because it has the potential to prevent feelings of sadness after sex and increase relationship satisfaction.

What Is Postcoital Dysphoria?

It’s not unusual to feel exhausted or even depressed after an intense or vulnerable sexual experience. In the kink community, this refractory phase is often called a “sub drop,” “top drop,” or sometimes just a “drop.” Some BDSM and kink practitioners attribute this experience as a sort of comedown from the trance-like state associated with play, likely due to the settling of endorphins and adrenaline after sex. It’s a time when the parasympathetic nervous system kicks in, resulting in deep exhaustion.

Even outside of the BDSM community, studies have shown that the drop occurs for many people, though it is referred to as postcoital dysphoria. These feelings of sadness or distress have the potential to interfere with a couple’s dynamic after sexual activity, potentially leading to conflict within the relationship if left unaddressed.

Aftercare Increases Relationship Satisfaction

Those who engage in longer post-sex affectionate exchanges like cuddling and caressing after sex report greater sexual and relationship satisfaction. This makes sense if you consider that conflict often occurs because of poor communication. Those moments after sex provide an opportunity to work on that communication, even if you don’t choose to talk about big things.

Aftercare may also help to strengthen your connection because it can promote feel-good hormones like oxytocin, even if you don’t talk. Studies show that interpersonal touch between romantic partners, like cuddling or massage, increases this “love hormone” and activates various parts of the brain, like the insula, orbitofrontal cortex, and anterior cingulate cortex. In fact, even the anticipation of a romantic touch activates these same neural networks and is positively associated with high levels of passionate love.

So, you know how important aftercare for sex is, and you want to do more of it. Where do you start?

The kinds of aftercare that will work best for a couple is largely a matter of preference. When we make the time and space for it, my favorite forms of aftercare include talking, massage, and rehydrating. But there are so many other ways to show you care for your sexual partner.

• Talking. Whether you talk about the sex you just had or what you want to have for dinner, talking after sex is a great way to stay connected to your partner while you both recalibrate. But if you do stick to the topic of sex, you’ll be glad you did. Studies suggest that couples who regularly talk about sex are more sexually satisfied. Talking about sex may also include talking about sexual issues like erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, or delayed ejaculation. Want to know what to say during sex? Check out these tips.

• Cuddling. You can also practice aftercare without any words at all. As you read above, interpersonal touch promotes oxytocin, which can help support your mental health after sex and strengthen your connection. Whether you cuddle or give your partner a massage, finding ways to incorporate sensual touch into your post-sex daze can be gratifying for both of you.

• Showering together. Maybe you already like to clean up after sex. Inviting your partner to join in makes this aftercare activity both comforting and productive.

• Rehydration and nourishment. After getting hot and sweaty, rehydrating after sex is not only important, it feels great, too. It’s not just kind to bring your partner a drink — it can also replenish lost fluids during sex.

• Watching T.V. “Netflix and chill” is a common euphemism for sex, but what if you actually worked your favorite T.V. shows into your aftercare routine instead? Watching T.V. together can be a relaxing way to wind down, especially if you snuggle while you watch.

• Listening to music together. Maybe you put a lot of thought into your sexy playlist, but why not add an aftercare playlist to your mix? Research shows that music promotes social bonding, fosters intimacy, and even helps individuals better regulate their emotions. Those sound like pretty worthwhile aftercare goals.

• Taking a nap. If you get tired after sex (it is exercise, after all), cuddle up with your partner and recharge together.

Whether you’re in a long-term relationship or on a one-night stand, aftercare can be a valuable addition to your sexual experiences. Here’s what we know:

• Aftercare was popularized by the kink and BDSM communities. However, you don’t need to be into kink to benefit from aftercare. The meaning of aftercare in a relationship refers to any form of emotional or physical care following an intimate experience.

• There are numerous benefits of aftercare. Aftercare may also enhance relationship satisfaction and strengthen emotional bonds between partners.

• Aftercare can vary based on personal preferences. Aftercare activities include talking, cuddling, showering, rehydrating, or even just napping. Incorporating these moments into your routine can significantly enhance your emotional and physical connection, making the experience even more fulfilling.

These days, I’m getting better at making more time for aftercare, even if it means letting my kid watch two episodes of her favorite show instead of one.

If you’re curious about how else you can improve intimacy in your relationship, learn about these 9 techniques for how to please a woman, explore 10 ways to spice up your relationship, and try out these 16 sex positions.

Need even more support in the bedroom? Check out all our sexual health offerings, from sex toys to prescription ED medication and more.