What to Say During Sex: A Guide to Consent, Confidence, and Connection

Knowing what to say during sex can be daunting, especially if you’re sleeping with somebody new.

Dirty talk can be a major turn-on for you and your partner if done successfully. And while there’s no right or wrong way to do it. The only “right” way depends on your partner’s preferences and kinks — and could be anything from constant dialogue to complete silence. 

The trick is getting to know what your partner likes, making sexual communication part of your relationship, and speaking with confidence.

Keep reading to learn why talking about sex matters, what you can say to your partner during intimate moments, and how to build confidence in the bedroom.

What Is Dirty Talk?

Dirty talk refers to sexually explicit language intended to arouse someone. It can happen before or during sex, through sexting, over the phone, or even in an old-fashioned dirty letter.

Dirty talk can be as simple as an enthusiastic “Yes!” or as elaborate as what 19th-century French novelist Gustave Flaubert wrote to his lover in 1846: “I will cover you with love when next I see you, with caresses, with ecstasy. I want to gorge you with all the joys of the flesh so that you faint and die.”

Okay, you don’t have to get quite that poetic — but the point stands: expressing desire in your own words can be powerful.

The point is that you can say pretty much anything you can imagine during sex, as long as you feel comfortable saying it and your partner feels comfortable — or hopefully, better than comfortable — hearing it.

Why Is Sexual Communication Important?

Studies show that both verbal and non-verbal communication during sex are linked to sexual satisfaction.

Better sexual communication has also been found to play a vital role in increasing women’s desire and sexual function. Researchers explain that when a woman feels comfortable talking about her sexual likes and dislikes, she can communicate the level and type of stimulation needed to reach orgasm.

So, talking during sex can make the whole experience more pleasurable. But it can also increase emotional intimacy, establish consent, and be a hot way to check in with your partner to make sure they like what you’re doing.

How to Ease Into Dirty Talk

First, discuss with your partner beforehand (not in the heat of the moment) whether or not they like dirty talk. You can even ask for specific words or phrases they find hot, which can be a great way to build up sexual tension.

If you’re not comfortable using those words or phrases in an intimate setting just yet, try practicing with sexting first. You could even listen to a sexy podcast first or read an erotic blog to gather some ideas on words and phrases to use.

Examples of What to Say During Sex (and Why It Can Be So Effective)

Hopefully, you’ve already discussed with your partner whether or not they’re into dirty talk and what phrases they like. But if you’re still stumped, here are a few ideas and why they work.

Praise Their Body

When you feel confident in your body, you’re more likely to have more satisfying sex. According to one 2016 study, negative body image is linked to depression, low sexual desire, low arousal, and pain during sex. Meanwhile, women satisfied with their body image were more likely to have orgasms and try new sexual activities.

Making positive remarks about your partner’s body parts can make them feel good about themselves and make sex feel extra good, too.

“You Feel So Good”

Instead of remarking on what you like visually, try commenting on how good your partner feels. This can also be a way to guide them to do more of what you like or revisit certain sex positions without being demanding. For example: “I love when you do ___.”

If you’re really at a loss for words, try tuning into all five senses to tell them how you feel and emphasize that sex truly is a whole-body experience. You can do this by describing what’s happening or how you feel exactly at that moment: “I feel so turned on right now” or “You smell so good.” 

“Do You Like That?”

Combining dirty talk and consent? Genius.

It’s common to think that consent is a cut-and-dried conversation that happens once, but it should be an ongoing process that ensures both you and your partner are enthusiastically on board with what’s happening. Even though those conversations around consent begin far from the bedroom, they should continue once you’re in bed.

Try asking questions like “Do you like that?” or even better, “Would you like that?” before you try something new or take your sexual activity to the next level. It can be an effective (and flirty) way to get consent from your partner and check in to see if your partner is feeling good about how things are progressing.

Using Praise in Bed (If Your Partner Likes It)

Praise kinks are common — some people enjoy affirming language like “you’re doing such a good job” or “you feel amazing.” The key is finding praise that feels empowering and consensual for your partner.

If your partner enjoys praise during sex, here are a few affirming examples — but always check in first to make sure the language feels good to them:

• “You’re doing such a good job.”

• “You’re so good at that.”

• “I’m so proud of you.”

Tell Me What You Want Me to Do

This is another sexy way to get consent because it puts your partner in the driver’s seat. It shows you care about your partner’s pleasure and are open to mutual exploration — a key part of satisfying sex for both of you.

Maybe your partner wants a slower pace, more build-up, or a particular kind of stimulation — and the only way to know is to ask. Putting them in charge proves that you don’t have a big ego — your main goal is to please them.

I Want You to ___

Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want, but don’t lay on the pressure. Voicing your desires is part of healthy sexual communication, and doing so also leaves room for your partner to voice their own.

If your partner has revealed that they’re into being submissive, you can even make these desires commands, as long as you’ve established consent beforehand.

I Love the Way You Look at Me

This phrase is best said while making eye contact with your partner. In an older but compelling study, researchers found that when people maintained a mutual unbroken gaze with someone they hadn’t met before for two minutes, they reported increased feelings of passionate love for each other. 

Can you imagine what that would do for people who already like or love each other?

Other Ways to Amplify Your Sexual Experiences

Saying dirty things during sex isn’t the only way to up your game in the bedroom. Here are some of our other top sex tips:

• Try sex toys. Whether you use a bullet vibrator, a vibrating ring, or any toy you both enjoy, sex toys are an adventurous way to spice things up in the bedroom.

• Use lube. Lubrication can reduce discomfort and enhance pleasure — and it’s a great way to make sure everyone feels more at ease.

• Focus on foreplay. Foreplay gets your body and mind prepped for satisfying sex. Sexting, cuddling, oral sex, teasing, and massage are all examples of foreplay, and some can even start way before you get to the bedroom.

• Share fantasies. You can incorporate fantasies into your dirty talk or discuss them beforehand to heat things up before the main event. 

• Tackle sexual dysfunctions. If you struggle with a sexual dysfunction like erectile dysfunction (ED) or premature ejaculation (PE), there’s no time like the present to get the help you need. Get medical advice from a healthcare provider today to see if you qualify for medication or other treatments to start having the sex you deserve.

• See a sex therapist. Not sure how to communicate your sexual desires to your partner? Working with a sexologist or couples counselor can help you learn tactics and techniques for a more satisfying sex life.
  

What to Say During Sex: A Final Word

Not sure what to say during sex or whether you should say anything at all? Remember:

• Both verbal and non-verbal communication during sex are linked to sexual satisfaction. Better sexual communication has also been found to play a strong role, especially among women participants. But across all genders, communication is a key driver of better sexual experiences.

• Dirty talk has benefits other than hotter sex. It can also help you and your partner feel closer. And it can not only help you establish consent for what you’re doing, but it can also be a sexy way to check in with your partner to make sure they like it.

• Feel free to ease into dirty talk if you’ve never tried it. Even better, discuss beforehand with your partner whether they even like dirty talk. If they do, you can ask for specific words or phrases they find sexy and use those to make things even hotter.

Want more tips on how to have better sex? Check out these non-penetrative sex ideas and these tips for dating a woman with a high libido.