Reviewed by Katelyn Hagerty, FNP
Written by Our Editorial Team
Making a woman orgasm: The iron man challenge of young heterosexual men the world over. Between the G-spot, the clitoris and the increasingly complicated varieties of sex toys, the female orgasm can feel more elusive than ever.
Luckily, you don’t need to master a hundred sex positions, buy a bunch of vibrators or build the jaw stamina for day-long oral sex marathons just to make her happy. All you need is a little sexual health refresher and a little direction from us.
Below, we’ll help you troubleshoot why you’re not getting her all the way there, offer advice for refocusing your sexual efforts and help you find the right type of orgasm to fill your female partner’s desires.
But before we penetrate the ups and downs of penetrative sex orgasms, we first need to talk about why you’re reading this article.
Unfortunately, there’s more than one reason a woman might be unable to orgasm — whether it’s your fault or not.
It might be anatomical, but maybe not for the reasons you think. While heterosexual men really, really enjoy heterosexual sex (for the most part), research shows that most intercourse doesn’t provide the clitoral stimulation needed for many women to finish. In other words, the penetrative penis-in-vagina sensation might not be cutting it.
By the way, research shows that as few as 6 percent of women can climax from penetrative sex. Research also suggests that women have the most success with not just one but three types of stimulation: digital, oral and penetrative.
Things like religious beliefs, demographics and a history of sexual trauma are reasons some women may not be able to (or understand how to) reach orgasm with a partner.
But within relationships, there’s one key determining factor about a woman’s likelihood of finishing: commitment. Women in committed relationships tend to reach orgasm more frequently than those in casual relationships.
Now, we’re not suggesting you pop the question here. In our opinion, what this data suggests is that the more comfortable and connected your partner feels, the more they can enjoy themselves.
Notice how penis size hasn’t been mentioned here yet? That’s because a good partner gives her what she needs, which often means incorporating toys and other intimate objects to improve everyone’s experience.
Helping your partner orgasm may feel like calculus, but you might only need to count to five to make major improvements in how satisfied she is.
Satisfying sex can mean any number of things, but in heterosexual couples, it typically refers to penetrative sex. Unfortunately, missionary position, doggy-style and other satisfying sex positions for you might not always be right for vaginal orgasms.
Instead of thrusting away, consider letting her pick the position. Some positions offer better G-spot stimulation, and others are better at directly stimulating the nerve endings in her clitoris better.
You might ultimately suggest she get on top so she can find an angle that feels great. She might also prefer being on top in order to use masturbation to achieve a clitoral orgasm while you’re inside her.
Orgasms from clitoral stimulation with vaginal penetration have been associated with better overall satisfaction than penetration alone, according to research.
You don’t need to call in a sex therapist or listen to some sexologist on a podcast to get this simple piece of valuable advice: Talk to your partner.
Chances are, if you’re stressed about not giving her what she wants, she’s aware of it too. Calling out the elephant in the room can give you both an opportunity to ask for what you need.
After all, women tend to have very different sexual experiences than men — orgasms, arousal and other factors in their pleasure are more complicated than what we’re used to.
And that’s before you consider what she’s into. It might even be the case that she’s perfectly happy using her collection of toys to finish while you watch, which could let you off the hook.
Let’s be honest: Your penis probably can’t compete with the modern sex toy market. The best sex toys lists on the internet look like the tools of a mad scientist designed by Dr. Seuss — and they’re designed to deliver oxytocin overloads every time the battery is fully charged.
These aren’t your enemies or competition, though — they’re your tools too. Learning how she likes to use sex toys can spice up your sex life together, for the better.
This also applies to lube and other tools, especially for women whose natural lubrication may not be as reliable and plentiful as is necessary.
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Here’s one thing that may be your fault: She may not be finishing because you have PE and haven’t yet explored premature ejaculation treatments to deal with it.
PE happens to lots of men, and it can be caused by anything from excitement to medications. But it’s only a handicap to those who choose to ignore it instead of finding ways to treat or augment their stamina problems. Look into how to increase sexual stamina if you want a more healthy sex life.
The reality is that no two people have the same sexual needs, fantasies or energy levels. And some of this is best discussed with a professional.
If you’re struggling with the demands of high libido in women or dealing with intimacy issues, a therapy professional can help you work through those boundaries to great sex — with or without your partner present. That includes treating problems like erectile dysfunction (ED), which may be a mechanical or mental issue.
A woman’s orgasm is about more than lube, foreplay and knowing your way around a vulva. And if you’re slacking on any of those important factors, it’s time to deal with the problems you’re responsible for.
But beyond education, there are things you can do by yourself to give her the best experience as your partner, including:
If any medical or mental health problems are making it hard for you to get and stay hard, explore erectile dysfunction treatments.
Don’t let premature ejaculation and low stamina stop you from being confident. Look into treatment if you want to last longer, but remember there are other ways besides penetration to please her.
If you’re ready to give her what she deserves, take care of your health first, then get to business.