Why Your Partner’s Vibrator Is a Team Player — Not a Threat

Wondering what it means when your partner reaches for a vibrator during sex? 

Many men view sex toys as direct competitors in the bedroom. How do I know? My partner had similar concerns at first. He thought that every time I reached for my vibrator during sex, it meant he was doing something wrong.

But here’s what he probably didn’t know: Only around 18 percent of women can have an orgasm through penetration alone. More women, myself included, require clitoral stimulation to climax — something a vibrator’s especially good at.

When used during partnered sex, vibrators and other sex toys can enhance intimacy, communication, and satisfaction, making sex more enjoyable and your relationship stronger.

Keep reading to find out why your partner’s vibrator isn’t the enemy, which vibrators are great for partnered play, and how you can use one together for great sex.

First, let’s ease some of your fears and show how helpful a vibrator can be. Next time you feel threatened, remember these plain facts:

• Vibrators aren’t people. Vibrators enhance physical sensation, but they can’t offer the emotional connection, trust, or intimacy that a partner brings to the bedroom. It can’t kiss, hold, comfort, listen, or do anything else a real human being can. If you see your partner’s vibrator as a threat, remind yourself it’s an uneven match. You have way more to offer than a rechargeable sex toy.

• Vibrators are great teachers. Next time your partner uses her clitoral vibrator, pay attention. Using my vibrator with my husband has shown him what kind of stimulation I prefer, so he can mimic those moves later.

• Vibrators can spice up your sex life. There’s no right or wrong way to use a vibrator. By getting creative with how you use a vibrator during partnered play, you can add variety to your usual routine and spice up your sex life. Since I’ve been married to my husband for over a decade, finding ways to inject novelty into our relationship has helped keep us sexually connected.

• Vibrators can open up sexual communication. After my husband confessed his insecurities about my vibrator, I confessed my own. Just as he was worried about being unable to satisfy me, I felt worried that I was too difficult to satisfy. Talking about our fears around the vibrator ultimately brought us closer together.

So, how exactly do vibrators work their magic? Most of the time, it comes down to the clitoris.

If you’re not already aware, the clitoris is a highly sensitive erogenous zone located just above the urethral opening at the top of the vulva. Even though the part you can see is around the size of a pea, don’t underestimate it. The clitoris has upwards of 10,000 nerve endings.

While holding a vibrator against her clitoris is one way to help her reach orgasm, inserting a G-spot vibrator provides another type of pleasure: G-spot stimulation.

Though most scientific studies on the G-spot agree it exists, there’s lots of confusion on where to find it. And not all women will be able to find it. That’s perfectly okay.

The great thing about vibrators is that they can be used in multiple ways. By being open to experimentation with your partner, you can both figure out what type of stimulation she prefers.

While vibrator use is often associated with self-pleasuring, these sex toys can also be a fun addition to partnered play.

The “best” vibrator for this purpose will depend on your own preferences, but you may want to try:

• Bullet vibrators. Perfect for beginners, a bullet vibrator is a classic bullet-shaped sex toy with a rounded or pointed tip. When you’re having sex, try holding the toy against your partner’s clitoris or have them hold it in place for extra stimulation. Some men also enjoy extra stimulation from a vibrator while receiving oral sex — it’s worth exploring if that sounds appealing.

• Vibrating penis ring. Another vibrator you can use together is a hands-free vibrating penis ring. Made of ultra-soft silicone, this sex toy is worn at the base of the penis and serves two purposes: providing extra clitoral stimulation and prolonging sex.

By restricting blood flow out of the penis, penis rings improve erection quality while stimulating the nerve endings in the genital and anal regions. Since a penis ring is hands-free, it’s a great option for first-time sex toy users.

There’s no one way to use a vibrator on your wife or partner. The best thing you can do is open yourself up to experimentation. Follow her lead and see how she responds to different vibration settings, whether you use the toy during foreplay or sex.

Here are some tips to help you incorporate this versatile toy into your sex life.

Using a Vibrator During Foreplay

It’s common to fall into a routine when you’re in a long-term relationship. Before we were married and became parents, my husband and I had much more free time to spend in the buildup portion of sex. But foreplay is just as important a decade into marriage as it is when you’re dating.

Your vibrator can help make foreplay a lot more interesting. Holding it against her clitoris is a classic move, but you might also try gliding it across her vulva or stimulating her perineum while you give her oral sex.

Get to know her erogenous zones — those extra-sensitive hotspots located all over her body (and yours!) — like the inner thighs, belly button, and nipples.

Men can also enjoy vibrating sensations. When she’s giving you oral sex, try holding the vibrator against your testicles or perineum. Or explore prostate play with a P-spot vibrator.

Mutual Masturbation With a Vibrator

Mutual masturbation can be an extension of foreplay where you both enjoy self-pleasuring together. It can also be educational.

As you watch her use her vibrator, take note of how she uses it. Does she hold it against her clitoris the whole time, gradually increasing the speed or pressure until she reaches climax? Does she intermittently pull the toy away and edge for a while before having an orgasm? Does she only use the vibrator externally, or does she insert it, too?

By paying attention to how your partner masturbates, you can learn a thing or two about the exact kind of pleasure she prefers. Then you’ll know what to do the next time you use the vibrator on her.

Sex Positions That Work Well With a Vibrator

Some sex positions are more vibrator-friendly than others. The trick is keeping the clitoris fully accessible.

The best sex positions for vibrator use are:

• Missionary

• Doggy style

• Spooning

Keep reading for pointers.

Missionary

Missionary may seem like a boring position compared to more acrobatic moves, but it’s definitely not boring if you add a vibrator. 

Have her lie on her back and enter from above. Keep your body upright while you hold a bullet vibrator to her clitoris.

Alternatively, you can keep your hands free by wearing a penis ring in a missionary position. If you’re not getting the right angle, put a pillow under her hips for extra elevation.

Doggy Style

Have your partner get on all fours and then penetrate from behind. Hold a vibrator to her clitoris by wrapping your arm around her body or have her hold it in place.

If your partner likes G-spot stimulation as much as clitoral stimulation, the doggy-with-vibrator position provides both.

Spooning

Lie down on your side and have your partner lie next to you with her back to your chest so you fit like two spoons. Insert your penis from behind while holding a vibrator to her clitoris.

While in this position, you can also stimulate other erogenous zones like the nape of her neck or earlobes.

Vibrators are one great tool, but they’re not the only way to upgrade your sex life.

Try the following toys and tools:

• Lube. Enhance comfort and minimize friction with a water-based lubricant.

• Penis ring. Want to use a sex toy but not big on vibration? Try wearing a non-vibrating penis ring to enhance pleasure and prolong sex.

• Insertable toy. An insertable or internal sex toy can be used in a variety of ways. She can experiment with toys during oral for added stimulation.

Similar to the bullet vibrator, an insertable toy can be shared by both partners. You may also enjoy the sensation of anal play with an insertable toy, but be sure to lube up first.

If your wife or partner didn’t use her vibrator at the beginning of your relationship but relies on one now, don’t jump to the conclusion that you’re not doing it for her anymore.

Our bodies and sexual preferences change all the time, especially after having kids, and she may be getting to know new sides of her sexuality. The best thing you can do is support her and learn from her discoveries.

Remember:

• Most women can’t orgasm from penetration alone. Only around 18 percent of women can have an orgasm through just penetration. More require clitoral stimulation to climax, something a vibrator is especially good at.

• Vibrators can bring you closer together. Talking about sex with your partner and exploring new tools and techniques together can enhance intimacy and strengthen your relationship.

• You can use a vibrator during partnered play. Whether you use a bullet vibrator or a vibrating penis ring, vibrating sex toys can increase pleasure during foreplay, mutual masturbation, or partnered sex.

Want more tips on how to upgrade your sex life? Explore ways to last longer in bed, find out what to say during sex, and learn techniques to make sex better for her.