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Your sex life, your way
It may seem like a cruel joke: sex turns you into a parent, but parenthood destroys your sex life.
While there are many self-help books and articles dedicated to how to get back to having sex after kids, most of them are aimed at women—what they should do, wear, fix, and beyond.
But maintaining a sex life as new parents—or even not-so-new parents—takes effort from both partners. So, I asked a few women in relationships with men what, if any, steps their partners were taking to maintain their sex lives after having kids. I also asked them how they felt about sex in general after becoming a parent: Were they having it? Was it less enjoyable?
Note: All names have been changed to protect privacy.
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The six women I talked to had varying answers to how often they were having sex, ranging from once a week to once a month.
One mom of two kids aged five and seven didn’t say how often she was having sex, but she did say her sex life was much better now “than it ever was” after 19 years with her partner.
While the amount of sex varied across the women, they all agreed that their sex lives were different post-baby, even if their “babies” weren’t so little anymore.
Whether a woman delivers vaginally or via C-section, her body will need time to recover after birth, so sex is off the table at the very beginning of parenthood. The estimated time to resume sex after giving birth varies between six and eight weeks postpartum.
However, many women who start having sex again within six months report at least one sexual problem, and many do not feel ready to resume due to unexpected changes like pain during sex, depression, fatigue, and a lack of time with their partner.
Susan, a 41-year-old mom to a three-year-old, tells me that her sex life is “nearly non-existent” after becoming a first-time parent, and it’s a topic she and her partner don’t talk about.
“I have no sex drive,” she says. “I just weaned from nursing in October and was hoping my feelings would change, but I still dread sex and avoid it. I’m just so tired and don’t want to be touched that way.”
A common challenge new moms face is feeling “touched out.” This term describes a feeling of overwhelm or aversion provoked by physical touch (especially when it’s sexual). This is thought to occur due to the constant touch received by and given to a new child.
When I ask if there’s anything her partner could do to help her through her aversion, Susan tells me, “I think if there were more of an effort from my partner to give non-sexual nurturing touch, and emotional connection and understanding, maybe I would feel more inclined to be close in a sexual way.”
In fact, studies show that maintaining non-sexual intimacy is essential to sexual well-being during the first year after birth. This includes things like back rubs, handholding, cuddling, kissing, and even watching T.V. together.
Sex changes after kids, but this doesn’t have to be a bad thing.
Jessica, a 41-year-old mom to a five-year-old, tells me her sex life has changed, but not for the better or worse.
“It’s just different,” she says. “Pre-child sex was more spontaneous, but I also think that we had more frequent and longer ‘dry spells’ too, where we would not focus on intimacy. Post-child, we have been more intentional with our sex lives. We consciously schedule sex at least once a week, and we discuss that schedule.” While she admits scheduled sex doesn’t sound sexy, it gives her and her partner something to look forward to.
Other changes reported to me are not so positive. They include:
The physical changes that come with childbirth make sex unappealing or even painful to some women.
Tasha, a 35-year-old mom to a four-year-old, says, “I had pain with sex until about 14 months post-delivery. I tore a LOT during birth. It took two doctors 45 minutes to stitch me back together.” Even worse, she had little support from her doctors. “The doctors significantly downplayed how bad it was, and I was given zero info on how to take care of myself after birth...I also bled for about 8 weeks...and my boobs were giant swollen bags of milk with sore nipples and not an option for sexual touching. My body did not feel sexy. It felt like a stranger’s body.”
But women aren’t the only ones who see physical changes after becoming parents. Jessica tells me, “Due to age, we have had some decrease in libido from both of us. Mine manifests as lack of initiation, and his manifests as difficulty with erections.” She says when her partner began taking erectile dysfunction medication, he saw a major improvement.
“I think sometimes prior he’d avoid having sex because he thought he couldn’t maintain during, but now he’s ready and steady the whole time, and it’s a confidence boost for him.”
Postpartum depression affects 1 one in 8 new mothers, leading to feelings of hopelessness, sadness, anger, guilt, shame, withdrawal, weight gain or weight loss, and in severe cases, self-harm. Postpartum depression often requires treatment, which may include antidepressants.
While none of the moms I talked to mentioned having postpartum depression, some did admit to mental health struggles and stress, which interfered with their desire for sex.
Tasha tells me that, in addition to her physical challenges after childbirth, she also struggled mentally. “I didn’t like having sex on my back because I’d have flashbacks to laying in stirrups pushing the baby out or getting stitched back together. I thought—Is this my lot as a woman? To lay with my legs open for everyone else to do stuff down there? I used my boobs to breastfeed my baby to sleep, sex to put my husband to sleep; who was coming to comfort and support me when I was tired?”
She also experienced weight gain after becoming a mom due to high stress, poor eating habits, and antidepressants. “I would also like to be thinner, but losing weight as a parent is so hard! Pre-kid, I used to have hours to meal prep and exercise. Now there’s just less time for everything!”
Less time is a commonly cited reason for less sex for parents.
"We can’t seem to find the time to get busy,” says Laura, a 42-year-old mom to four kids ranging in age from nine to 20. “Even after hours can be hard if a child wants to co-sleep.”
Caring for a child isn’t the only time-suck either. A new member of the family means an increase in domestic tasks, which tend to fall largely on the woman’s shoulders.
For Tasha, delegating tasks to her spouse adds to her ever-growing “mental load,” which makes her feel resentful. “It’s never-ending, and he sort of floats by and doesn’t realize how much I do. Even when I do ask, he forgets or does half the job.” She says it’s hard to feel in the mood when she’s doing all the household management. It makes her feel uncared for and disconnected, which impacts her sexual connection. “I feel like having a baby revealed many cracks in our marriage. Difficulty communicating, uneven workloads, and mismatched expectations.”
The research supports Tasha’s frustration, too. According to one 2017 study, when partners contributed to household tasks, mothers were more likely to report high emotional satisfaction and greater physical pleasure in their sexual relationship.
Aside from taking on their fair share of chores around the house (without having to be asked) and offering non-sexual touch, partners could do the following to help maintain or rebuild physical intimacy:
For Susan, going to counseling seems like the most straightforward solution, but getting her partner to go is another hurdle. “He has never been to therapy and is resistant, but I think if I arrange it, he would go. So, it’s on me. I will arrange it.”
Planning a date night may seem like a cliche, but spending time away from your kids helps you remember why you got together in the first place and who you both are outside of being parents.
“We both make sure we save time and energy to commit to each other,” says Jessica. “We both know that when intimacy is lacking, it trickles down into other aspects of our lives. We’re both quicker to be grumpy or snappy with one another.” She says regular date nights and ongoing communication bring them back together.
Anna, a 41-year-old mom to two kids ages five and seven, says her husband likes to “spice things up” by buying her sex toys and clothes. They also take yearly trips without the kids, which she says helps them stay connected.
For Tasha, hearing her husband confirm her fears about her post-baby body was a hurtful moment in their relationship that further impacted her willingness to have sex.
“I don’t like how I look, and one time when I confessed that I felt less happy with my own body, he said that he’s less physically attracted to me now that I’m heavier. He only said it once, but wow, that cut deep... I sacrificed my body for our child; now it looks worse, and my husband doesn’t like it.”
Cleo, a 40-year-old mom of two kids, ages two and four months, tells me, "I think being pregnant made my husband not attracted to me.” She also says that while she has tried to work on her sex life continuously, she feels less inclined to initiate sex because her husband doesn’t try to maintain it at all. If there’s one thing he could do to turn things around, she said it’s to “go to therapy.”
Maintenance sex refers to the concept of having consensual sex to strengthen your relationship, whether or not you’re in the mood. Studies show that maintenance sex can be appealing to those with responsive desire. Responsive desire is a type of sexual desire in which a person only feels aroused once physical stimulation or sexual activity has begun.
For Laura, who has difficulty finding time for sex, squeezing it in where she can helps her maintain a healthy relationship. She and her husband have “During the day sex” and “lunch sex,” and they occasionally supplement with sex toys. If there’s one thing she wishes her husband would do more of, it’s taking her on “spicy dates.”
Leading a healthy sex life with kids in the house is possible, but it takes work.
Whether your child is a few months old or a teenager, the life changes that come with becoming a parent are bound to affect your sex life, whether you and your partner are willing to talk about it or not. So, talk about it. The longer such issues go unaddressed, the more difficult they become to correct.
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Dr. Mike Bohl is a licensed physician, the Director of Medical Content & Authority at Hims & Hers, and a member of the Obesity Medicine Association. Prior to joining Hims & Hers, Dr. Bohl worked in digital health at Ro, focusing on patient education, and as the Director of Scientific & Medical Content at a stealth biotech PBC, working on pharmaceutical drug development. He has also worked in medical journalism for The Dr. Oz Show (receiving recognition for contributions from the National Academy of Television Arts and Sciences when the show won Outstanding Informative Talk Show at the 2016–2017 Daytime Emmy® Awards) and at Sharecare, and he is a Medical Expert Board Member at Eat This, Not That!.
Dr. Bohl obtained his Bachelor of Arts and Doctor of Medicine from Brown University, his Master of Business Administration and Master of Science in Healthcare Leadership from Cornell University, his Master of Public Health from Columbia University, and his Master of Liberal Arts in Extension Studies—Journalism from Harvard University. Dr. Bohl trained in internal medicine with a focus on community health at NYU Langone Health.
Dr. Bohl is Certified in Public Health by the National Board of Public Health Examiners, Medical Writer Certified by the American Medical Writers Association, a certified Editor in the Life Sciences by the Board of Editors in the Life Sciences, a Certified Personal Trainer and Certified Nutrition Coach by the National Academy of Sports Medicine, and a Board Certified Medical Affairs Specialist by the Accreditation Council for Medical Affairs. He has graduate certificates in Digital Storytelling and Marketing Management & Digital Strategy from Harvard Extension School and certificates in Business Law and Corporate Governance from Cornell Law School.
In addition to his written work, Dr. Bohl has experience creating medical segments for radio and producing patient education videos. He has also spent time conducting orthopaedic and biomaterial research at Case Western Reserve University and University Hospitals of Cleveland and practicing clinically as a general practitioner on international medical aid projects with Medical Ministry International.
Dr. Bohl lives in Manhattan and enjoys biking, resistance training, sailing, scuba diving, skiing, tennis, and traveling. You can find Dr. Bohl on LinkedIn for more information.
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