A Therapist’s Guide to Dating With Intention

If you continually find yourself in the same type of romantic relationship that really just doesn’t fill your cup, perhaps it’s time for a holistic change in your approach to dating. In this case, you might consider dating with intention, a style where you seek relationships that align with your core values, emotional needs, and long-term goals, as opposed to showing up to your romantic life in the passenger seat.

Unlike with casual dating, which focuses on fun and spontaneity, intentional dating asks you to be more self-aware and upfront about your needs and relationship goals.

To find out how to date with intention (and still have fun), we asked two therapists for tips and strategies. Below, learn what they had to say about how to date intentionally and how to know if someone you’re dating is truly a good fit.

Dating with intention is an approach in which you set clear standards and goals to identify potential partners who align with your core values and relationship expectations while filtering out those who don’t.

According to Cheryl Groskopf, a dual-licensed marriage and family therapist and professional clinical counselor based in Los Angeles, there’s a fundamental difference between dating with intention and casual dating: dating with intention introduces conscious choice into the dating process. Where casual dating runs on momentum, intentional dating asks you to pause and consider how things are going at every step.

For Allison Briggs, a Houston-based licensed professional counselor who specializes in relational trauma and codependency, dating with intention means showing up with more self-awareness. “You’re not just asking, ‘Do they like me?,’” she says. “You’re asking, ‘Do we share the kind of values and vision that could sustain something meaningful?’”

When you date with intention, you’re less likely to waste time on dead-end flings and more likely to experience fulfilling relationships.

“You reduce emotional burnout,” says Groskopf. “You make fewer decisions from a dysregulated state and create space for secure connection.”

Along with having healthy relationships and better dating experiences, Groskopf says that dating with intention can also support personal growth. “You develop stronger self-trust. Each time you listen to your gut, say no to a red flag, or walk away from a connection that’s not aligned, your brain reinforces pathways for self-trust and boundary setting. That changes how you show up everywhere else in your life, not just in dating.”

Dating with intention doesn’t have to mean leaving your dating apps or jumping into a long-term relationship right away. There are several ways to become more mindful in your dating life and foster more meaningful connections.

They include the following:

• Establish your non-negotiables

• Watch for reciprocity, not just attraction

• Pay attention to patterns, not potential

• Know what safety feels like in your body

• Be willing to walk away early

Establish Your Non-Negotiables

Your non-negotiables are your core values or expectations that, if not met, could be a deal-breaker for your relationship.

“Sharing your non-negotiables doesn’t need to happen all at once or in a rigid way, but clarity is key,” says Briggs. Ahead of entering the dating world, she encourages people to identify their values by writing them down, saying them aloud, and revisiting them often. “You don’t need to list them all in your dating profile or disclose them on the first date; in fact, giving too much away too early can sometimes lead the other person to mirror what they think you want.”

She says the goal isn’t to test people — it’s to stay honest with yourself. “A question like, ‘How do you view communication in relationships?’ can gently open up a values-based conversation early on.”

Watch for Reciprocity, Not Just Attraction

“It’s easy to confuse chemistry with compatibility,” says Briggs. “Intentional dating means noticing whether the relationship feels mutual.” To ensure a healthy level of mutuality, she suggests asking yourself the following questions:

• Are my efforts reciprocated?

• Does my partner follow through?

• Does my partner initiate, listen, and show care without being prompted?

She says reciprocity shows up as consistent behavior, emotional intimacy, and shared effort—not just words: “It’s not about keeping score, but about recognizing whether you’re the only one doing the emotional lifting.”

Pay Attention to Patterns, Not Potential

If you're clinging to hope that someone will change, despite them consistently showing you who they are, they might not be the right person for you. “Our brains love filling in the blanks with fantasy,” says Groskopf. “Intentional dating means observing what’s actually happening over time, not just what could happen.”

Briggs says it’s important not to get caught up chasing potential. “Chasing potential sounds like, ‘Once they open up more,’ or ‘If they could just get through this phase...’ It’s about who someone could be, not who they are showing up as consistently,” she says, adding that one way out of this cycle is to ground yourself in self-worth. “This means honoring your needs, accepting rejection as part of the process, and walking away—even when it’s uncomfortable or lonely.”

Know What Safety Feels Like in Your Body

The heat of attraction is great and all, but Groskopf says it’s even more important to be aware of what safety feels like in your body. “Can you breathe around them? Can you be yourself? If your nervous system is constantly activated, that’s not a soul mate — that’s a signal,” she says.

Be Willing to Walk Away Early

If your date doesn’t share your values or simply isn’t the type of person you can see yourself getting close to, don’t be afraid to walk away at any stage. “That’s not being ‘too picky.’ That’s being in integrity with yourself,” says Groskopf. This is especially true if you’re ready for a committed relationship.

Dating with intention isn’t all about avoiding the wrong people — it’s also about bringing you closer to the right people. Asking the right questions of yourself (and them) facilitates this whole process.

Questions to ask yourself:

• Am I showing up as my authentic and vulnerable self, or am I trying to be what I think they want?

• Do I feel energized or drained after spending time with them?

• Are my core needs being met (or unmet) in this connection?

• Have I minimized or dismissed any red flags?

• Am I constantly second-guessing myself? Or do I feel safe and seen?

Questions to ask them:

• What does a healthy relationship look like to you?

• What’s a lesson you’ve learned from a past breakup?

• How do you handle conflict or hard conversations?

• What are your boundaries and red flags?

• Where do you see yourself in the next year or two?

You don’t have to show up to your dates with a pen and paper in hand, ready to check items off your list. (In fact, we don’t recommend doing so!) Rather, let these questions be conversation starters.

Dating with intention doesn’t have to mean busting out charts and spreadsheets and interrogating your date to test your compatibility. It simply means dating in a way that’s aligned with who you are and what you truly want.

If you want to date intentionally, remember the following tips:

• Know what you want (and don’t want). Identifying your non-negotiables and values can help you filter out people who don’t align with your core values.

• Reciprocity is essential. A healthy relationship isn’t just about how much you like or desire someone — they have to show up ready to devote effort and care, too.

• You’re allowed to walk away early. The right connection won’t require you to ignore red flags, be inauthentic, or compromise your emotional safety. Don’t be afraid to walk away early. Doing so doesn’t make you picky — it means you’re thoughtful with your time.

Dating with intention asks you to be more mindful and self-aware. Ultimately, it can lead to deeper, more rewarding connections in the long run.

Want more dating tips? Check out our guides to dating in your 30s, dating in your 40s, dating in your 50s, and dating in your 60s and beyond.