Think being in your 40s means you’re too old to date? Think again. Research shows that Americans are waiting longer and longer to “settle down,” with many first-time marriages occurring between the ages of 40-59.
Think being in your 40s means you’re too old to date? Think again. Research shows that Americans are waiting longer and longer to “settle down,” with many first-time marriages occurring between the ages of 40-59. And many are dispensing with marriage entirely.
Being single in your 40s is not only more common than you might think, it also has serious advantages. Singles in their 40s are usually more established in their careers, more self-aware, and more patient. Since it’s likely that you have some dating experience under your belt, you’re probably more aware of what you want (and don’t want) in a relationship.
This guide will cover everything you need to know about dating in your 40s, including tips and strategies for making the most of your time and prioritizing your health.
In a 2020 profile of single Americans, 23 percent were between 30 and 49. Those over 40 were more likely than younger singles to seek casual dates, rather than long-term relationships. This was especially true if they were divorced, separated, or widowed.
Why are people putting off committed relationships until later in life? Many people are waiting until they achieve these milestones first:
Completing their education
Achieving career goals
Minimizing their debt
Attaining financial security
Of course, no two 40-year-olds are the same, and if you haven’t achieved these milestones, that’s perfectly okay. No matter your life circumstances, there are undeniable benefits to having more birthday candles on your cake.
When George Clooney married Amal Clooney in 2014, tabloids dubbed him the world’s most sought-after bachelor. He was also 53. He’d been married once before but divorced in 1993, and was single for most of his 30s and 40s.
Okay, so maybe it’s not an entirely fair comparison, but there’s still a valuable lesson to take from Clooney — you’re never too old to hook up, have fun, or find the right person to spend the rest of your days with.
There are plenty of benefits to dating in your 40s that no man in his 20s can outmatch.
Here are just a few of the highlights:
Life experience. As a 40-year-old, you’ve been around the block. You’ve probably traveled, read more books than you can count, and have plenty of wisdom to share. You’re also probably pretty knowledgeable about pleasing a partner and open about expressing how they can please you. You’re likely less threatened by learning about someone’s sexual past than in your younger years, and more open to a variety of kinks.
Self-awareness. By age 40, you’ve probably done a lot of work on yourself. Maybe you’ve been through therapy or spent enough time reflecting on your values, strengths, and weaknesses to really understand the kind of man you are, and the kind you want to be. Most likely, you’re also more selective, having figured out what you want and don’t want along the way.
Established career. It’s perfectly okay if you still haven’t decided who you want to be when you grow up. It’s never too late to reinvent yourself, or develop new skill sets. But many adults in their 40s have reached career milestones or at least have a solid vision of where they’re going.
Independence. Maybe you own your own home. Maybe you have a solid retirement plan. Maybe your student debt finally feels under control, and your your credit score is the best it’s ever been. Even if your finances aren’t exactly where you want them to be, at 40, you’ve likely established some financial security and independence that your 20-year-old self would envy.
There are many advantages to dating in your 40s, but if you’ve been out of the dating game for a while, you should prepare yourself for the ways in which the dating scene—and likely your own life—have changed in recent years.
Here are some things to consider as you get back out there:
Your life is more complex
Dating apps are abundant
The dating pool may be smaller
Maybe your schedule is jam-packed, you have an ex and kids, or you travel a lot for work.
Dating over 40 means accepting that your life is probably more complex than it was at 20. Back then, you may have been more inclined to play hooky from work, stay up all night, and sleep in all morning without much thought. Now, you may have more work and family obligations—adult-sized responsibilities that get in the way of spontaneity. You may also have less energy.
If you’re dating someone younger than you, you need to make sure they understand these complexities. If you’re dating someone your own age or older, it’s important you appreciate that their lives likely include a certain amount of added logistical and emotional complexity, as well.
How well do you know your dating apps? Are you familiar with acronyms like ONS, ENM, or GGG?
Though they do have some drawbacks, dating sites offer a convenient way to narrow down the dating pool and find a good match. If you’re unfamiliar with the swiping culture, it’s time you get acquainted. One great thing about the sheer number of dating apps out there is that there’s one for nearly every type of arrangement you’re looking for.
For instance, Tinder has a reputation as a hookup app, while Hinge is a better bet for those seeking deeper connections. Feeld is popular with the ethically non-monogamous crowd, while the female-led Bumble empowers women to make the first move.
Some apps are free, and others require a fee to sign up. Take some time to read up about the various available platforms, and consider using a few at once to find the one that suits you best.
The dating pool may be smaller than it was in your 20s, though not by much. Since people are settling down later in life, finding single women and men in their 30s and 40s is not as uncommon as it used to be.
However, the dating pool may feel smaller. For one thing, you’re likely more selective than you were earlier in life. Luckily, that means you’re less likely to waste time and energy dating people with whom you’re fundamentally incompatible.
There’s no manual for dating in your 40s, but there are some steps you can take to make the process less complicated—and more enjoyable.
We recommend:
Getting clear about what you want
Knowing your red flags
Making an online dating profile
Meeting people the old-fashioned way
Taking the pressure off first dates
Are you looking for a casual hook-up or a potential spouse? Do you hope to have kids, or are your diaper-changing days behind you?
There are no right or wrong answers to these questions, but having a clear idea of what you’re looking for will help you narrow down your search. Your time is valuable, and dating can be frustrating when you’re not clear on what you want.
Knowing your red flags is understanding what you don’t want. For instance, someone who talks about their ex constantly may have some unresolved baggage to deal with. Someone sending you mixed signals may still be trying to figure out what they want in a relationship. Someone keeping tabs on you or disregarding your boundaries may have some controlling tendencies.
If you haven’t done so already, make an online dating profile. In fact, make a few. Don’t be afraid to be as detailed as possible about what you’re looking for, while showing a bit of your personality. No need to list all your red flags or tell your whole life story up front, though—keep it light and informative.
Of course, you’re not limited to dating sites. Find ways to meet people offline too because sometimes the only way to do a vibe check is in person.
There are always the old standbys of bars, clubs, and even speed dating events, but you might also consider taking a class or pursuing new hobbies to meet someone with the same interests. Friends are a great resource, too: put the word out that you’re looking, and see if friends—or friends of friends—know any singles they can introduce you to.
The first time you go out, keep it short and keep it casual. Resist the urge to share all the dirty details of your last breakup or delve deep into your childhood traumas. You may be looking for your life partner, but you don’t have to figure that out on the first date.
How do you know Jerry Maguire was under 40? Three words: You complete me.
Look for a partner who complements your life, not someone who completes it. If you’re looking for the latter, you may need a bigger support system.
Research shows that both single and partnered men attach greater importance to having a partner than women do. They also tend to have smaller support networks and feel lonelier. Investing in your platonic relationships and even seeing a good therapist can help you deal with feelings of loneliness productively so you can bring your best self to your relationship.
If you’re experiencing persistent worry that you’re not good-looking or interesting enough to date, you may need to work on your self-esteem.
Some ways to boost your confidence include:
Clean up your diet and cut back on alcohol
Find a good therapist or dating coach
Try a new sport
Spruce up your living space
Prioritize exercise
Practice positive self-talk
Learn a new skill
Spend time with friends who build you up
Set actionable goals
It’s estimated that by the time a man is in his 40s, he has around a 40 percent chance of experiencing some form of erectile dysfunction (ED) and this risk increases about 10 percent per decade thereafter.
Premature ejaculation can also occur alongside erectile dysfunction, especially among the 45- to 65-year-old age group (as well as the 18–30 age group).
One potential reason why sexual dysfunctions become more prevalent with age is because of low testosterone, which can also cause other undesirable symptoms like low sex drive, fatigue, weight gain, and mood changes.
If you’re experiencing sexual dysfunction, schedule a consultation with a healthcare provider to find solutions. They may suggest ED medication like Viagra® (sildenafil) or Cialis® (tadalafil), or over-the-counter products for premature ejaculation. They may also suggest therapy or a combination of lifestyle changes that can help.
Dating at 40 can be awkward at times. Your body, energy levels, and hairline may have changed since you were in your 20s, and it may take you a few beats longer to embrace new technology. The best thing to do is have a sense of humor about fumbles along the way. But try not to be too self-deprecating—confidence, combined with humor, goes a long way.
If you have kids, be honest with your date about being a parent, but take your time when it comes to real-life introductions. It’s also great to be honest with your kids about your dating life, but introducing them to new partners too soon can lead to premature attachment—and disappointment if things don’t work out.
If you’ve come out of a long relationship (or marriage), it can feel unfamiliar shopping for condoms again. But safe sex should still be a priority at any age.
In addition to using condoms, you should plan on getting tested regularly for STIs. Some people even choose to share the date of their last STI panel on their online dating profiles.
Before having sex, be sure to discuss with your partner your boundaries and comfort level with various sexual activities. It’s essential to get clear consent and check in along the way to ensure you’re both on the same page.
See a dating coach, relationship expert, or mental health professional if you’re dealing with low self-esteem issues. Schedule a consultation with a healthcare provider if you think you need help with a sexual dysfunction.
Remember, you’re wiser and more settled than you were at 20 — these are assets. Once you believe that, anything is possible. Today’s dating scene includes people in their 40s, 50s, 60s and beyond.
Here are some takeaways to send you on your way:
Dating over 40 is common. People are settling down later and later in life. You will not be the only single guy at the bar.
There are many benefits to dating at 40. You have more life experience, probably more stability, and likely a better idea of what you want and don’t want. These are all benefits you can bring to a relationship.
There are probably some complexities you’ll need to navigate. Acknowledge that your responsibilities are probably bigger and more varied than they were at 20. You may also want to learn how to use dating apps if you’ve come out of a long relationship and are new to the scene.
Address issues holding you back. If you have less hair on your head or some sexual function issues, you’re not alone. Get the help you need to help rebuild your confidence.
If you want to learn more about dating in your 40s, learn how to be sexually confident, and check out these 11 tips on how to have better sex.
Need more support to improve your sex life? Explore our sexual health products.
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