Sexual Compatibility

Realizing you and your partner are sexually incompatible can be frustrating. One of you wants to have sex every day, and the other is cool with once a week. Or maybe one’s into ropes and handcuffs while the other thinks sex toys are too much work.

If you and your partner don’t see eye-to-eye on the kind of sex life you want, it doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker. Sexual preferences evolve over time, and what’s true right now doesn’t have to be true weeks, months, or years from now. Sexual compatibility can be cultivated if you’re both willing to put in the work.

Find out what sexual compatibility means, the importance of sexual compatibility in a relationship, and what you can do to turn your not-so-good sex life into a great sex life.

Sexual compatibility is how well a couple’s sexual desires, needs, and preferences align. It means both partners are on the same page sexually. This can include shared kinks and preferences, mutual satisfaction about how much sex you have, and an openness to explore new sexual experiences together.

Signs you and your partner are sexually compatible:

• You’re satisfied with how much sex you have. There’s no right answer on how often couples should have sex. If you’re both good with a few times a week, a few times a month, or even a few times a year, there’s nothing wrong with that. What’s more important than how much sex you’re having is how you both feel about how much sex you’re having.

• The length of sex is adequate for both partners. Do you see sex as a sprint to orgasm or prefer a long, drawn-out experience? Again, there’s no right answer. If you’re both satisfied with how long sex lasts, then you’re sexually compatible in this category. Some men who struggle with premature ejaculation (PE) may find that sex is too short, and their partners might agree.

• You both find the sex you have pleasurable and fulfilling. If one person is consistently leaving sex feeling dissatisfied and unfulfilled, but the other is basking in orgasmic bliss, there’s a good chance you’re sexually incompatible.

Research shows there’s an orgasm gap between men and women. According to one study, up to 85 percent of men reported orgasms during sex compared to around 60% percent of women.

Research suggests sexual compatibility is important for overall well-being when you’re in a committed relationship. In marriages, being sexually compatible increases marital and sexual satisfaction, while sexual incompatibility increases the likelihood of divorce.

Sexual compatibility can also theoretically help reduce the risk of STIs (sexually transmitted infections) by lowering the number of partner changes — in other words, you might stick with one partner for longer because the sex is good (but keep in mind that the best way to reduce the risk of STIs is using condoms and getting tested). 

Sexual Compatibility in Long-Term Relationships

As important as sexual compatibility is, it’s just one of many components determining a relationship’s success.

The ability to communicate and compromise is just as vital as sexual compatibility and can even help improve compatibility if one of you feels something is lacking.

Also, remember that quality trumps quantity when it comes to sexual compatibility. For many couples, it’s normal for sexual frequency to decline in long-term relationships and for sex drive to fluctuate over one’s lifetime.

Instead of focusing on how often you’re having sex, it can be helpful to shift your focus to how satisfying your sexual encounters are.

For instance, in one 2020 study in men, younger men with higher libidos and higher sexual frequency and satisfaction scores had shorter relationship durations. And overall,  longer relationships were linked to less frequent sex, but at the same time, linked to higher sexual satisfaction scores. In other words — some have less sex and are still sexually satisfied. 

If you and your partner feel sexually incompatible, all’s not lost. Here are some things you can try:

• Practicing open communication

• Talking to a sex therapist

• Sharing your fantasies

• Considering an open relationship

• Exploring non-penetrative sex ideas

• Addressing sexual dysfunctions

Keep scrolling for more detailed insight.

1. Practice Open Communication

Talking about sex isn’t always easy, even for those in long-term relationships. But you need to discuss your sexual relationship regularly to maintain a physical and emotional connection. Research has shown that couples with sexual problems tend to report a lack of sexual communication.

Here are some ways to make conversations about sex easier:

• Use “I” statements to avoid pointing fingers. For example, “I’d like to have sex at least once a week. It makes me feel connected with you.”

• Allow your partner to share their sexual needs, turn-ons, and turn-offs without judgment.

• Come to a compromise about sexual frequency and be open to non-sexual touch.

• Talk about negative sexual experiences in the past to avoid similar problems in the future.

• Make a sexual bucket list (this can be a fun foreplay idea).

• Make these conversations intentional by setting a regular date to discuss what’s working and what’s not.

2. Talk to a Sex Therapist

If you’re having trouble voicing your needs or find your conversations are too emotionally charged to be effective, you may want to consider sex therapy or couples therapy.

A trained therapist can help guide your conversations in a neutral space and offer strategies for making these talks run smoothly. They can also help uncover underlying issues contributing to sexual disconnects.

3. Share Your Fantasies

Sharing hidden desires can be a hot addition to foreplay. Be open-minded about your partner’s fantasy, even if you’re uncomfortable fulfilling it. Ask questions. Get curious about it. Talking about this stuff is healthy.

Whatever you do, don’t reject the fantasy or shame your partner. Not only does this shut down the fantasy, but it may also shut down their willingness to talk about others in the future.

4. Consider an Open Relationship

Non-monogamy isn’t for everyone, but it may be worth trying if you’re curious about it. There are many different forms, including open relationships, polyamory, and swinging.

Studies show that consensual non-monogamists report high levels of relationship satisfaction and happiness — or at least levels of satisfaction that are on par with those reported by monogamists. Some even claim that opening up to new sexual partners kept them from breaking up.

5. Explore Non-Penetrative Sex Ideas

Expanding how you have sex is one creative way to bridge the gap between sexually incompatible partners. If one of you wants to have penetrative sex and the other doesn’t, consider these non-penetrative sex ideas instead:

• Mutual masturbation

• Oral sex

• Making out

• Roleplay

• Massage

• Bondage

Trying non-penetrative sex is also a fun way to add variety to your relationship. Studies show that couples who explore a wider variety of sexual acts have greater sexual satisfaction.

6. Address Sexual Dysfunctions

Some couples have an unaddressed sexual problem at the root of their incompatibility. This could be something like erectile dysfunction (ED) or premature ejaculation.

In some cases, these issues are linked to other medical conditions, like heart disease or low testosterone.

If you suspect you or your partner have a sexual dysfunction, it may be time to get some medical advice. For ED, your provider may suggest therapy or prescribe medication, like:

• Sildenafil (generic Viagra®)

• Tadalafil (Cialis®)

• Avanafil (Stendra®)

For PE, they might prescribe medication like off-label antidepressants or suggest OTC (over-the-counter) products to help prolong sex.

Addressing these common issues won’t just improve your sexual health — it can also boost your mental health.

Sexual incompatibility can be a challenge, but it doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker. With compromise and a desire to meet your partner’s needs, you can have a great sex life, even if you’re not having sex as much as you used to.

Here’s what to remember about sexual compatibility:

• Quality trumps quantity. Research shows that a satisfying sex life in long-term relationships often depends more on the quality of intimacy than on frequency. A shift from focusing on how often you have sex to how fulfilling it is can increase satisfaction for both partners.

• Communication is key. Open and honest conversations about desires, fantasies, and boundaries are essential for improving sexual compatibility. Have regular check-ins to find out what’s working and what’s not.

• Consider therapy. If there are deeper issues affecting intimacy, see a sex therapist for guidance. Therapy can help couples uncover underlying problems, learn new strategies for connection, and address sexual dysfunctions.

• You can bridge the gap between partners. Explore other forms of physical affection, share fantasies, or even consider consensual non-monogamy to find a common ground.

Want more tips on how to improve your sex life? Explore techniques to please a woman, learn how to revive a relationship sexually, and find new ways to initiate sex.

This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. The information contained herein is not a substitute for and should never be relied upon for professional medical advice. Always talk to your doctor about the risks and benefits of any treatment. Learn more about our editorial standards here.