Types of Non-Monogamy

What Is a Non-Monogamous Relationship?

Mainstream society pushes the narrative that dating more than one person at once constitutes cheating and generally unideal. But, traditional monogamy isn’t for everyone.

In fact, being in a romantic or sexual relationship with more than one person at a time isn’t all that unusual. However, there are many different types of non-monogamy out there worth understanding before exploring relationship structure might make sense for you.

From polyamory and monogamish to swinging, these relationship structures are each unique in their own way. Keep reading to find out what each form of non-monogamy means.

What Is Ethical Non-Monogamy?

Ethical non-monogamy (ENM), also called consensual non-monogamy (CNM), refers to relationships in which all parties involved agree to engage romantically or sexually with multiple partners.

Unlike with cheating and infidelity, ethical non-monogamy is rooted in honesty and mutual respect. If your relationship involves lying or secrets, it might still be non-monogamous, but it’s nowhere near ethical.

Consensual non-monogamous relationships allow individuals to explore intimate and sexual connections in a way that feels authentic, but that doesn’t mean it’s a total free-for-all with no ground rules or guidelines to follow. As you’ll see below, relationship dynamics vary widely across each type of relationship, and most have important built-in boundaries.

How Common Is Non-Monogamy?

It’s unclear how many people practice non-monogamy today, but a 2015 survey on sexual diversity found open relationships to be relatively uncommon. Among 1,421 U.S. respondents in relationships, only 1.6 percent reported being in an open relationship over the past year. Meanwhile, a whopping 77.8 percent labeled themselves as “entirely monogamous.”

However, research from the Kinsey Institute shows that more and more couples are opening up. Results from its 2021 study of nearly 3,500 single adults from the U.S. and Canada found that 16.8 percent of respondents desired to engage in polyamory, 10.7 percent had tried polyamory at some point during their life, and around 6.5 percent knew someone who had been or was currently engaged in polyamory.

While polyamory and open relationships are just a couple of forms of intimate relationships within the broader spectrum of non-monogamy, it’s possible that alternative relationship styles may become more common with time.

Benefits of Ethically Non-Monogamous Relationships

Being in ethically non-monogamous relationships has been linked to positive sexual health outcomes, including open communication about sexual needs and greater condom use.

Research also suggests that non-monogamous people report relatively high levels of trust, honesty, friendship, intimacy, and satisfaction in their relationships and low levels of jealousy.

Other potential benefits of ENM relationships include:

• Sexual and emotional variety

• More sexual satisfaction

• Enhanced communication skills

• A more robust social network

• Improved self-awareness

The Stigma of Non-Monogamy

Unfortunately, consensually non-monogamous relationships are still somewhat stigmatized. According to one 2024 study of individuals in CNM relationships, many report having experienced psychological distress due to stigma associated with being non-monogamous.

However, many people are comfortable with the idea of non-monogamy, even if they don’t intend to pursue those types of relationships. For instance, that 2021 study from the Kinsey Institute found that one out of seven people who were not personally interested in polyamory stated that they respected people who engaged in this type of alternative relationship.

Understanding Different Types of Consensual Non-Monogamy

There are many different types of ethically non-monogamous relationships, including:

• Polyamory

• Open relationship

• Monogamish

• Swinging

• Relationship anarchy

Polyamory

Not to be confused with polygamy, which is the practice of having more than one spouse at a time, polyamory refers to having multiple romantic or sexual partners at the same time, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.

Polyamorous relationships are rooted in the idea that a person shouldn’t have to reserve their love and affection for just one partner. They can have sexual and emotional connections with multiple people simultaneously, and their partners can do the same. The interconnected network of romantically or sexually involved polyamorous people is known as a polycule.

Like ethical non-monogamy, polyamory is also an umbrella term for multiple configurations of the poly relationship. They include:

• Polyfidelity. In a polyfidelity structure, three or more partners are romantically or sexually involved. Their relationship is closed to just the three of them, meaning they don’t date outside of the group. When the relationship only has three people, and they’re all involved with each other, it’s called a throuple.

• Closed V. A closed V is like a throuple, because there are three people involved, but they don’t all engage romantically or sexually. Two partners have a relationship with a third person, who serves as the middle point of the V, but not with each other. When individuals in a polyamorous configuration don’t have a relationship with one another (e.g. “my girlfriend’s boyfriend”) they’re called metamours.

• Solo polyamory. Solo poly refers to a relationship structure in which a person has multiple intimate relationships but isn’t committed to any single partnership.

• Hierarchical polyamory. In a hierarchical polyamorous relationship, individuals have multiple romantic partners but prioritize their primary relationship above the others. Partners can also be ranked by priority: primary, secondary partner, etc. This primary partner could be a spouse or a nesting partner (someone you live with).

• Non-hierarchical polyamory. Non-hierarchical polyamorists have multiple romantic partners but don’t prioritize one over another.

Open Relationship

Open relationships are sometimes used as an umbrella term to describe many different types of ethically non-monogamous relationships. However, they can also refer to a couple that permits casual sex outside of the relationship but restricts love or emotional connection. This emotional component is what sets open relationships apart from polyamory, which encourages deep connections and loving relationships with others.

Monogamish

Monogamish is a type of open relationship that is mostly monogamous but allows for occasional casual sex outside of the primary relationship. Rules and boundaries tend to be really specific in monogamish relationships. They can include guidelines like: no kissing on the mouth, no dates, or sex only when traveling, etc.

Swinging

Also known as partner swapping or the “Lifestyle,” swinging is a form of consensual non-monogamy in which committed couples exchange sexual partners with other committed couples. Swingers may swap partners at organized events like a sex party or sex club or find like-minded couples on dating apps.

Relationship Anarchy

Of all types of ENM structures, relationship anarchy may be the most radical. Relationship anarchists don’t believe that romantic or sexual relationships are more valuable than platonic or any other type of interpersonal relationship. They reject labels and hierarchical distinctions for the individuals in these relationships. In this sense, everyone is a primary partner because everyone deserves love, attention, and respect.

Practice Open Communication

Unlike with cheating and infidelity, ENM structures center transparency and mutual respect. Individuals must establish clear consent, communicate their needs and boundaries, listen to and respect their partners' needs and boundaries, and check in often to ensure everyone feels heard.

Establish Boundaries

Non-monogamy may seem like total freedom compared to monogamous relationships, but that’s not the case. Most non-monogamous relationships have their own rules and boundaries to ensure everyone feels respected and valued.

Some common boundaries to consider include:

• How often sex can occur outside of the relationship

• Where sex can occur

• What kind of sexual activities are permitted

• The use of condoms and birth control

• How to prioritize the primary relationship (if there is a primary relationship)

Non-Monogamy Apps

If you’re new to the world of non-monogamy, it can be difficult to know where to find potential partners.

A quick Google search can turn up local sex parties, sex clubs, and poly or ENM events to meet and mingle with like-minded people. Or, you can turn to the variety of dating apps for ENM, such as:

• Feeld

• #Open

• 3rder

• Kasidie

• Monogamish

• Hinge

• Grindr

• OkCupid

• Her

Safe Sex and ENM

Having sex with multiple partners is fun, but it can also be risky if you don’t prioritize safe sex. After all, one of the known risk factors for sexually transmitted infections (STIs) is having multiple sex partners.

Luckily, there are plenty of ways to practice safe sex:

• Wear condoms the right way every time you have sex.

• Use dental dams when performing oral sex.

• Get vaccinated for hepatitis B and HPV.

• Get tested regularly and share results with your sexual partners.

Next Steps

If you're ready to start exploring ENM structures, it's important to understand the different types before diving right in. This will allow you to choose the most authentic path while prioritizing your physical and mental health. Whether you're already in a relationship or starting fresh, here are some next steps to consider:

• Learn more about different relationship structures. Learn more about the nuances between different types of ENM to find out what feels most comfortable to you.

• Practice open communication with your partner. If you're in a relationship, start talking openly about non-monogamy. Be non-judgmental, open-minded, and ready to discuss boundaries and expectations.

• Explore. Meet like-minded people by scrolling through subreddits, downloading an app, or attending a local sex party.

Your sex life is whatever you want it to be. If you want to learn more about how to spice up your sex life, read about the importance of sexual fantasies and explore a range of sexual kinks.