What Happens at a Sex Party

Over the years, I’ve been to many sex parties. They’ve taken place in hotel rooms, in vacation rentals, and are sometimes hosted in an actual home. But if you’re new to the world of sex parties and don’t know how to even get invited to one of these private affairs of not-so-private sex, your best bet in experiencing one for yourself is to pay an entry fee.

Yes, sex parties are real. Though your co-workers and neighbors might not fess up to it, according to a 2015 poll of 1,000 Americans conducted by YouGov/Huffington Post, around 9 percent of respondents have been to a sex party, and another 13 percent would consider attending one.

In fact, Americans are becoming increasingly comfortable with the idea of exploring beyond their primary relationships. According to a 2020 poll of 1,300 American adults conducted by YouGov, about one-third of U.S. adults say that their ideal relationship is non-monogamous to some extent. However, generation matters: Millennials tend to be more open than Generation X, and Gen Xers are more open than baby boomers, indicating a gradual progression.

A sex party is exactly what it sounds like: a social gathering where attendees are welcome to have sex. But not all sex parties are the same, and not all sex-party guests want the same things. Some people go to sex parties to watch other people have sex, and some do everything but engage in penetrative sex. Some guests are single, and others are partnered. Some parties have themes, while others don’t.

The first sex party I attended was put on by an organization called Illuminaughty, and it had a Great Gatsby theme. I wore a low-cut black gown and a sequined headband, which was overdressed compared to the many women who showed up wearing just lingerie. My date, my husband of 10 years, wore a suit.

Illuminaughty describes itself as “a curated community for fit and active people in their 20s, 30s, and early 40s.” As a couple in our early 40s, I was happy we made the cut, but I also worried we might be the only “old” people there. We weren’t.

As soon as we entered the venue, a decked-out mansion in Newport Beach, California, I saw there were many people who appeared to be in their 40s, just like us.

“We are very selective in our membership process, and we intentionally exclude a fair amount of people in the LS [lifestyle],” one of the founders, Jesse Tyler, tells me later. He explains that people often begin to explore the lifestyle—which is code for ethical non-monogamy—or swinging, later in their life, so it’s common to attend an LS event where there’s a large number of guests over 50 or 60. LS events are also expensive to host, and adults over 40 typically have more disposable income, which leaves a large part of the under-40 crowd underserved. 

“If these [young] people walk into a typical event, all eyes are immediately on them, and they feel like prey,” Tyler says. “We strive to create an environment where fit and active couples in their 20s, 30s, and early 40s can come and be amongst their peers so they don't feel hunted as soon as they walk in the door.”

Anything and everything could happen at a sex party: a multi-person orgy, threesomes, foursomes, partner-swapping, kink and fetish play, sexy party games, spanking, use of sex toys, dancing, mingling, flirting, and more.

Here are some of the things I experienced at my first sex party:

Mingling

When entering that mansion, my husband and I had no idea what to expect. We quickly darted to the massive kitchen to make drinks (Illuminaughty parties are BYOB). Then I looked around and saw people mingling in the living room and foyer, just as they might at any other house party. Besides the lingerie, there was no hint that this was a sex party, and I wondered how we’d all go from “What do you do for work?” to “Want to have sex?” I was also curious where it would happen. On the kitchen counter next to the snacks and mixers?

Rules

Again, all sex parties are different. At this particular sex party, after everyone had checked in and mingled a bit, the host gave a brief opening speech to cover the logistics of the venue, discuss consent, and review the rules.

As should be true for all well-organized sex parties, Illuminaughty’s events are big on rules. Guests are required to ask permission before they touch anyone or join a scene. Safe sex is emphasized, and protection is provided in all play areas. And privacy is crucial—you’re not allowed to take photos or share details about other guests.

In other words, sex parties aren’t a free-for-all. Boundaries were encouraged and enforced, and there were security guards wandering around the party to keep an eye on everything.

Flirting

After learning the ground rules, we were free to do what we wanted. But it’s not like the crowd suddenly exploded into a full-blown orgy. Most people continued mingling, and my husband and I ended up talking with a gorgeous couple who looked to be in their 20s. After covering the basics, like where we all lived, how long we’d been in the LS, and how many sex parties we’d been to (they had been to several), I was flattered when they invited us upstairs, where I imagined the group sex was already happening.

It wasn’t. Not yet.

Though the party took place in a mansion, I quickly realized that most of the house was off-limits. Upstairs, we found three empty bedrooms and a couple of bathrooms. The biggest bedroom had two massage tables, and when the 20-something guy volunteered to give me an oil massage while my husband massaged his partner, I quickly realized we’d be the ones kicking off the orgy.

Voyeurism

Getting a massage meant getting undressed, and one thing eventually led to another. I expected to play with other people—my husband and I had experimented with swinging before—but I didn’t expect to be watched by everyone while I did it. It wasn’t until several minutes later that I realized the rest of the guests had gravitated upstairs, and there were a lot of people all around us, watching.

“Our parties are carefully curated to create a safe, sexy, and low-pressure environment with no expectation to participate,” reads the Illuminaughty website. “You get to choose your own adventure: relax and watch, stay with your partner, or join in the fun. Remember, voyeurism is a form of participation.”

Despite knowing that a sex party would likely entail having sex around other people, for some reason, the reality of being that exposed didn’t sink in until then. Eventually, most of those people would start making out and creating their own scenes, but for those long first few minutes when they just watched us, I didn’t like it. I wished I hadn’t jumped in so quickly.

Nerves

When my husband also noticed everyone watching, he started having trouble performing. We’d later realize that sexual performance anxiety is common at LS events. When he suggested to the other guy that we return to our original partners, he and I slunk away to find a more private space to regroup.

A Lot of Sex

These private spaces ended up being more our speed. Though we didn’t hook up with anyone else that night, we had fun playing in close proximity to other people and didn’t have to feel like we were performers on a stage.

Later, we also enjoyed playing the part of voyeurs. Watching some of our favorite porn scene moves play out in real life was a thrill.

Years later, we’re less nervous about being on display at sex parties, but it definitely took some getting used to. That’s what's great about a sex party, though. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. As Tyler tells me later, “There's no pressure or expectation to do anything or show up a certain way. Remember, the crowd is highly curated to be an intelligent, attractive, interesting, and self-aware group of people. People are just curious and excited to meet other people and make friends in a place where they can speak their minds and be themselves.”

Sex parties and sex clubs vary widely when it comes to entry fees. Invite-only parties are often free.

With Illuminaughty, tickets for sex parties in private homes range from $140-$500, depending on the venue. In addition to throwing estate and mansion parties, the company also has mixers and workshops for ethically non-monogamous folks looking to meet like-minded people. Those tickets are around $10-$100.

Illuminaughty is just one of many organizations that hosts sex parties. There are also sex clubs in major cities around the globe. The best way to find a local sex party is to use a dating app like Feeld, Kasidie, or FetLife and talk to other people in the lifestyle.

You can also visit local sex shops or attend sex-positive workshops where information about nearby sex parties might be available. Some sex parties also have social media pages with reviews.

Whether you decide to go to a sex party solo, with your partner, or as a group, if it’s your first time, you might feel a little nervous. This is perfectly normal. Here are some tips that may calm some of those nerves:

• Identify your boundaries before you attend an event.

• Only say give consent to a person or a particular sexual activity if you’re 100% onboard. If there’s any hesitancy, it’s best to say no.

• Don’t be afraid to just watch.

• Bring your own protection just in case the party doesn’t provide it.

• Be prepared for sexual performance anxiety and being unable to perform in front of a crowd.

• Don’t take rejection personally.

• Don’t drink too much.

• Don’t be afraid to take a break at any time if you need one.

It’s never too early or late in life to attend group sex parties. Though Illuminaughty has a cut-off age of early 40s, there are plenty of other lifestyle events that you can explore at any stage in life. Personally, I hope to be RSVPing well into my golden years. If you’re itching to try a sex party now, remember these tips:

1. No two sex parties are identical. What happens at a sex party depends on the venue and the organizers. Attendees are free to engage in various forms of sexual activity. But, consent, boundaries, and privacy are crucial.

2. There's no pressure to participate. Guests can choose to watch, mingle, or engage in activities, and sexual performance anxiety is common but manageable.

3. It’s not hard to find a sex party. You can find a local sex party by using apps or social media, or by word of mouth within sex-positive communities.

Want to learn more about ethical non-monogamy, swinging, and the lifestyle? Check out this article on open relationships and explore sexual kinks.