How to Have a Healthy Sex Life

A healthy sex life — what does that even mean? While the answer to the question of how to have a healthy sex life may differ for everyone, there are some key ingredients that most people seem to agree on.

At its core, a healthy sex life thrives on trust, communication, and emotional connection. It requires that you feel comfortable with yourself and your body and that you feel safe to express your sexual desires with confidence.

If your sex life is missing any of those elements, don’t worry. There are plenty of easy tweaks you can make to your lifestyle, relationship, and mindset to get the healthy sex life you desire. Keep reading for tips that could shift the way you think about sex, plus ideas for how to start important conversations with your partner(s) about what truly fulfilling, healthy sex looks like for you both.

What Is a Healthy Sex Life?

Before we talk about achieving a healthy sex life, it’s probably important to answer the question most people want to ask: “How much sex is healthy and normal to have?”

There’s no right or wrong answer to this question. While some research pegs the average frequency between couples to around once a week, that number is based on several variables. Plus, you don’t need to compare your sex life to anyone else’s to decide if it’s satisfying. And you certainly don’t have to set — or hit — a quota. Instead, focus on what you and your partner find enjoyable and manageable without placing stress, pressure, or the demand for performance on one another.

Beyond that, the criteria for a good and enjoyable sex life are simple. They can be divided into three groups:

• A healthy relationship. A healthy relationship is key to a great sexual experience. If you feel good about yourself within the scope of your relationship, you stand to have better self-esteem, which can lead to a better sex life. Also, the trust and connection you share with your partner can help inform whether the physically intimate component of your relationship is everything you want or is coming up short.

• A healthy body. Proper erectile function, immune system health, cardiovascular health, and hormone balance are important for maintaining a healthy sex drive and great sex. If necessary, make sure you are receiving treatment from a healthcare provider. 

• A healthy mind. The effects of a strong relationship and physical health may already be boosting your bedroom performance, and mental health is important, too. Stress, anxiety, poor body image, and a fear of rejection can all stand in the way of a good sex life.

Working on these issues requires time, effort, and patience. Luckily, we have some tips for doing it well.

What Does Healthy Sex Look Like?

What defines healthy sex varies from person to person. But if these realities are true for you, it’s a good sign that you’re on the right track:

• Healthy sex is mutually consensual.

• Healthy sex respects boundaries.

• Healthy sex lasts long enough to satisfy both partners.

• Healthy sex prioritizes the orgasms of both partners.

• Healthy sex shouldn’t hurt (unless you’re into rough or BDSM play).

• Healthy sex is safe sex.

• Healthy sex makes room for foreplay.

• Healthy sex involves trying new things.

• Healthy sex may rely on therapy, tools, sexual medicine, or other support for sexual problems.

According to the World Health Organization (WHO), sexual health isn’t just “fundamental to the overall health and well-being of individuals, couples, and families.” It’s also crucial to communities’ and countries’ social and economic development.

On a more personal level, there are many benefits to healthy and regular sexual activity:

• Pleasure

• Pain relief

• Better sleep

• Later menopause for women

• Decreased risk of prostate cancer

• Higher immunity

• Improved cardiovascular health

• Better cognitive function

• Less stress

• More satisfying romantic relationships

• Increased longevity

A healthy and satisfying sex life is like a pet — you’ve got to take care of it. Even if you’d rate your sexual health highly right now, the list below of ways to improve your sex life is still an essential checklist for keeping that grade up and keeping your partner on the same page.

1. Get Regular Medical Care

Staying on top of regular checkups is essential for maintaining a healthy sex life. Women may visit a healthcare provider when they experience menopause, painful sex, or vaginal dryness. For men, erectile dysfunction (ED) is typically a sign to check in.

Our advice? Go even when there is no “problem” to treat. See your primary care physician regularly, track your blood pressure, test for heart health, and monitor your endocrine and nervous systems, all of which play a role in sexual function.

Blood flow is especially important for men to monitor because heart disease and other cardiovascular issues are among the most common physical causes of erectile dysfunction. And don’t forget that your PCP can chat about any psychological and lifestyle factors that could be impacting your sex life.

2. Communicate Openly

Take stock of your sex life and how you feel about it. What do you like about it? Are you satisfied? Is your partner?

Do you wish you had sex more frequently or felt more sexual intimacy with your partner? Being satisfied in the bedroom is directly connected to how well you communicate with your partner.

Speaking up can be tricky, though. You may worry your partner will judge you, or you could be afraid you’ll hurt their feelings. But think of it this way: Wouldn’t you want to know if your sexual partner needed something different? Your partner may feel the same way.

Still nervous? Know this: A 2018 study found that there was a significant link between orgasm frequency and communication. Having an open line of communication with your partner can be powerful when it comes to improving your intimacy and sex life.

3. Stay Curious

No matter how many times you’ve had sex, there are always new ways to spice things up. Staying curious can keep things steamy.

Learning about sex with a partner you respect may allow you both to explore things you may be interested in, address issues in the bedroom, and discover new ways to find pleasure.

If you are uncomfortable talking bluntly about sex with your partner, there are other ways to communicate your needs. For instance, consider sharing articles that resonate with you.

4. Try New Things

The same moves won’t always yield the same results, and relying on a routine can lead to boredom — even if you have an active sex life.

Trying a new sexual position can keep things interesting and unpredictable.

Not only that, but different positions can help address other issues you may be having. For example, entering a woman from behind can help stimulate her G-spot, which may help her orgasm.

Another way to keep your sex life healthy and interesting? Introduce sex toys. Some men are intimidated by vibrators, thinking they’ll be replaced. Instead, think of a vibrator (like this bullet vibrator or this vibrating ring) as an ally that can help you please a female partner and yourself.

One study even found that women who used a vibrator in bed reported significantly higher rates of desire and arousal.

5. Do Kegel Exercises

Yes, you read that right — Kegels aren’t just for women. In fact, they can help with certain sex issues for men.

Kegels strengthen the pelvic floor muscles. In addition to preventing urine and feces leakage, research has found that Kegels can help alleviate premature ejaculation (PE) issues. One study of 40 men found that 82.5 percent of them were able to gain control of their ejaculatory reflex after 12 weeks of pelvic floor exercises for PE. 

They can also help if you’re dealing with erectile dysfunction (ED). One study of 55 healthy men over the age of 20 who were experiencing ED found that after six months of consistent pelvic floor muscle exercises, 40 percent of the men had regained normal erectile function.

To do Kegels, flex the muscles you use to hold in pee. Tighten them for five seconds and then release, repeating this 10 times. Even if you don’t deal with premature ejaculation or ED, Kegels are a great way to maintain your sexual fitness.

6. Use Lubrication

Lube can help things go smoothly — literally and figuratively.

In a 2011 study, when lube was used, women reported much higher rates of sexual satisfaction.

Using a lubricant can also create a more pleasurable experience for men.

You just have to decide what type of lube you want to use. Water-based lubricant is easy to find, affordable, and washes off easily.

There’s also silicone-based lube, which lasts longer than the water-based kind. One drawback: Some people find their skin gets irritated if they don’t wash it off right after sex.

7. Embrace Foreplay and Cuddling

Our minds tend to jump to penetration when we picture a fulfilling sex life, but a sexual relationship is about much more.

Foreplay increases lubrication, excitement, and connection, while cuddling can deepen your bond and increase the impact of hormones like oxytocin and the endorphins associated with sex.

Research about postcoital dysphoria — a kind of temporary sadness that some individuals experience after sex — is ongoing. But certified sex therapists and other mental health professionals might recommend the physical presence of a trusted partner as part of the solution.

A healthy and satisfying sex life is like a pet — you’ve got to take care of it. Even if you’d rate your sexual health highly right now, the list below of ways to improve your sex life is still an essential checklist for keeping that grade up and keeping your partner on the same page.

Get Help When You Need It

If you suspect you may have erectile dysfunction, it can feel pretty devastating. But you should know that according to the National Institutes of Health (NIH), between 30 and 50 million men in the United States have ED.

ED can be treated with medications like tadalafil (Cialis^®) and sildenafil (Viagra^®). If you think you may be a good candidate for these ED medications, the first step is to talk to a healthcare provider.

If you suspect your emotions are impacting your erection quality more than your physical health, talking to a sex therapist is a good place to start. They can help you work through the potential causes and identify clear next steps.

Next Steps

Now that you’ve read these tips, know this: You don’t have to implement them all at once.

Start with the ones that you think will be the most helpful in creating an enjoyable, healthy sex life.

Our suggestion? Start with communication. Just about everyone can benefit from opening up. When you can talk with your partner about what brings you pleasure and what doesn’t, you’ll feel the impact in the bedroom.

Think you could benefit from more support or medical advice? Connect with a healthcare provider today.