What Women Want Men To Stop Doing During Sex—And Things To Do Instead

If you’re working your way through your bucket list of freaky things to do in bed, we have some advice for you: first ask your partner what they’re into.

Not only does sexual communication help establish consent, it also shows your partner that you care about their sexual desires and want to do your best to fulfill them.

Talking about new sex ideas before trying them is also a good way to avoid catching your significant other off guard, which could be a turn-off during an otherwise steamy experience.

If you’re looking for new things to try in the bedroom, read this guide first to find out what a few of our female friends said about what they wish men would stop doing in bed. We’ll share their sexual experiences anonymously below and offer a few tips on what you might want to try instead.

It’s probably no surprise that sexual desire is at its highest at the beginning of a new relationship. As a relationship lengthens, it’s not unusual for sexual desire to gradually decline.

Studies show that couples who switch things up during sex and try new things outside of their comfort zone have higher sexual desire and greater relationship satisfaction.

We asked a few women in heterosexual relationships to tell us about things they wished men would stop doing during sex or foreplay. Keep in mind that there’s no right or wrong way to have sex as long as it’s consensual. Your partner may find any or all of these sex acts and kinks to be turn-ons, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

But if you’re looking for new sex things to try in bed, you may want to skip the following unless she expressly tells you she’s into it:

Don’t Trace the Alphabet

If you must do it because you’re not sure how else to perform oral sex, do it quietly.

• “The whole ‘spell your name while going down on her’ tactic can be done silently. I don’t want to hear the alphabet. One guy spelled it under his breath, almost like he was telling a secret.”

Don’t Film Her (Unless She Asks)

Let’s start with a serious one. This should go without saying, but you should never push a partner to make homemade porn or film/photograph anyone without consent.

• “I was always afraid I’d get exposed.”

Don’t Surprise Her with Kinky Sex

Kinks and fetishes are healthy and can be fun sex ideas to explore. However, before you subject your partner’s body to blindfolds, sex toys, dildos, and beyond, be sure to talk about it first.

• “Kinks and likes/dislikes need to be said beforehand. If not, contain them. I don’t want to find out you like to choke while we’re in the act. That is scary.”

In some cases, she’ll try the kink, but she may not want to do it again. A mistake some people make is thinking a new sex act will become part of the repertoire just because they tried it once. This is why a post-sex talk is just as important as a pre-sex talk.

• “My ex wanted me to jerk him off with my feet. I tried it, but the position was so uncomfortable.”

If you’re into BDSM or light bondage, you should also be willing to face the possibility that you both want to take on the same role.

• “Dirty talk doesn’t really work. We both like to be doms.”

Don’t Be Too Rough

Some women are into rough sex, but most want a heads-up first, and they don’t want you to take it too far.

• “The ‘harder and faster’ technique for clitoral stimulation can actually be painful. How about you ask me what I like or what feels good before you start beating on it?”

• “Don’t squeeze my boobs—that hurts. Don’t pull my hair—give a good tug or use it for guidance.”

• “Spanking is okay, but not too hard. I don’t want welts.”

Don’t Make Her Clean Up the Mess

Sex is messy. Offer to lend a helping hand.

• “Extra lube is messy. Have a towel.”

• “I don’t like being handed a towel or tee shirt to clean myself up. If he finished all over me, he should politely wipe it up.”

• “If he offers to give me a sensual massage with oil, lay a towel down first. My sheets are expensive.”

Don’t Let Your Ego Run the Show

If you want to know what she likes, ask her. It can even be part of your dirty talk game and build up sexual tension.

• “Overall, I think the male confidence and ego to impress really kill the experience. Ease in and work from there.”

• “I hate that guys ask other guys for advice. Ask a woman if you’re trying to have sex with her.”

Based on our friends’ feedback and what the research says on how to make women orgasm, try these sex tips:

• Use date night as a starting point. Okay, we know we said “during sex,” but the lead-up to sex is just as important. The next time you’re alone (and dressed), make an effort to talk about sex. Ask if there’s anything she’s been itching to try to spice things up, whether that’s a new position, role-playing, or acting out some secret sexual fantasy. Then, share your own ideas. Research shows that couples who talk about sex regularly have better sex lives.

• Watch her masturbate. Watching her masturbate isn’t just hot. It’s also a fun way to learn what kind of touch she finds pleasurable so you can better please her. You can even help out (if she wants you to) with a vibrator or oral sex. Feeling left out? Mutual masturbation is even more fun.

• Use lube. Lube can help prevent discomfort by keeping sex slippery and friction-free. Try a water-based lube without harsh chemicals, whether you’re having vaginal sex, anal sex, or playing with sex toys.

• Explore her erogenous zones. Erogenous zones are those super-sensitive hotspots located all over the body that produce pleasure when caressed or stimulated. The clitoris gets a lot of fanfare—for good reason—but it’s not the only one. To find hers, explore her body thoroughly, paying attention to what gets a reaction. Bonus: There are male erogenous zones, too.

• Let her come first. Have you heard of the orgasm gap between men and women? Some research suggests that during partnered heterosexual sex, men have orgasms more than 90 percent of the time, compared to only 39 percent of women reporting usually or always having an orgasm during sex. One way to ensure she comes away from the experience thoroughly satisfied is to let her come first.

• Address sexual dysfunctions. If you think you could use some support lasting longer in bed, improving your erections, or increasing your sex drive, get a recommendation from a healthcare provider to see what treatments are available.

You can read all about what other people are doing during sex to get ideas, but you can still wind up disappointing your partner. A better strategy is to have a conversation about what you both want. Remember:

• Communication and consent are crucial. Before trying new things during sex, discuss preferences and boundaries with your partner and respect them. This ensures mutual comfort and consent and enhances intimacy.

• Prioritize your partner’s experience. Pay attention to what your partner enjoys, avoid overly rough touch (unless she explicitly requests rough sex), and share responsibilities like cleanup to show care and respect.

• Explore new ways to connect. Be open to new fantasies, techniques, and tools to keep the experience exciting and satisfying for both partners. Try to have a post-sex conversation after trying something new to determine if it’s something you both want to try again.

Want more ideas on how to improve your sex life? Check out this guide to spicing up your sex life, find out what sex feels like for a woman, and explore sexual health products ranging from sex toys and condoms to erectile dysfunction medication.