What Is a Soft Swap? Swinging 101

Soft swapping is a swinging-related practice where couples exchange partners in the same room, and then they engage in various sexual activities—but not penetrative sex. Many people who are new to ethical non-monogamy or the swinger lifestyle commonly ease in with soft swapping.

No two couples are the same or will have identical values and desires. So it makes sense that couples have different ideas about what’s allowed and what’s off-limits when it comes to soft swaps. Whether you’re new to the swinger community or just want to brush up on various forms of non-monogamy, this guide has you covered. Learn about the basics of soft swinging, common rules for soft swap dynamics, and how to explore the swinging lifestyle safely and ethically.

If you’re new to swinging, there’s a lot of lingo to learn. Soft swapping and soft swinging are two of the most common terms, especially for the uninitiated.

Soft swinging, also known as the gateway to full swinging, typically refers to a couple engaging in sexual activities in front of another couple (or couples). It’s also known as parallel play or same-room sex.

Soft swinging allows a couple new to the lifestyle to “warm up” to the idea of experimenting with others without actually swapping partners.

A soft swap describes when one couple exchanges partners with another couple (or multiple couples) and engages in non-penetrative sex acts.

Not sure what soft swapping entails? It can include a number of the following sexual practices:

• Kissing

• Sensual touching

• Fingering/hand jobs

• Sex toy play

• Giving or receiving oral sex

Remember that each couple may have their own interpretations of what a soft swap means. To ensure that you don’t cross any boundaries, practice open communication with your own partner and with the other couple. Outline what is and isn’t allowed during the sexual encounter before anything happens and make sure you have ongoing consent throughout the event. Even if you find your comfort zone expanding in the heat of the moment, never break any agreements made beforehand.

While a soft swap stops short of sexual intercourse, a full swap is all in.

In a full swap, couples can do everything they did during a soft swap with the addition of penetrative sex.

However, just because penetrative sex might be on the menu for a full swap doesn’t mean there aren’t any boundaries in place. For example, a couple may be okay with penetrative vaginal sex but not as comfortable with anal sex. Or, a couple may be fine with any form of penetrative sex, but find kissing too intimate.

The only way to know what is and isn’t okay is to discuss your boundaries before you start having sex. You and your partner should also come up with safe words you can use to stop the sexual encounter at any time.

Being open to having sex with others doesn’t automatically mean you’re in an open relationship, either. You and your partner may only feel comfortable swinging with other people in the same room.

Swinging is also different from polyamory. Swingers may be sexually intimate with other couples during a soft swap or full swap, but they don’t form romantic emotional bonds outside of their primary relationship. People who are polyamorous, on the other hand, typically have multiple emotional and/or sexual relationships at once.

Soft swapping is a great way to add novelty and excitement to your relationship. After all, multi-partner sex is one of the most frequent sexual fantasies reported by Americans.

Swinging also requires a lot of communication and trust-building, and working on these skills with your partner stands to benefit your relationship in the long run. Research has concluded that more frequent sexual communication is associated with both greater relationship and sexual satisfaction.

Soft swapping can also be a way to measure your comfort levels before you jump into full swapping or swinging. If soft swapping turns out to be too emotionally taxing or not as exciting as you anticipated, you can take a step back and decide if non-monogamy is right for you.

One of the most obvious potential drawbacks of soft swapping is jealousy. Ahead of time, you may think that you’ll feel comfortable seeing your partner sexually interact with someone else. But when it actually happens, you may feel differently. For many, these initial feelings of jealousy either pass or become a titillating part of the experience.

Interestingly, studies that have examined characteristics like jealousy, relationship satisfaction, and relationship quality haven’t found a difference between rates of those feelings in monogamous versus consensually non-monogamous relationships.

Another possible drawback of soft swinging is the cultivation of mistrust if one person in a couple crosses an established boundary.

The term “soft swinging” went viral in 2022 when Taylor Frankie Paul, a TikTok mom influencer and future star of the reality show The Secret Lives of Mormon Lives, revealed on social media that she and her husband had gotten divorced because she broke the rules of their soft swinging agreement.

This highlights why practicing open communication and respecting established agreements is so important. It’s much easier to confront and manage feelings of jealousy than to repair broken trust.

And yet another possible drawback of soft swapping—or really any form of swinging or non-monogamy—is dealing with the stigma. According to data from the American Psychological Association (APA), many people view these relationships as low in quality, immoral, and potentially harmful to children. Some who practice soft swinging feel pressure to hide their relationship style from close friends and family because they fear rejection.

Despite the stigma, the APA also notes that people who engage in consensual non-monogamy report high levels of safe sex practices, like condom usage and sexually transmitted infection (STI) testing.

To stay safe during a swingers swap, do the following:

• Always discuss boundaries before playing and get clear and enthusiastic consent

• Always correctly use barriers, including condoms and dental dams

• Screen for STIs regularly

• Ask your partners when they tested last

• Clean sex toys regularly and use condoms on toys if you’re sharing

• Use high-quality lube to stay friction-free

Now that you know the difference between a soft swap and a full swap, here are some other swinger terms you might want to know:

• Vanilla. A vanilla relationship is another word for a traditional, monogamous relationship. A vanilla couple doesn’t experiment with other people outside of their relationship, and they typically don’t engage in kinky sex.

• Hotwife. A hotwife is a married woman who engages in sexual activities with people outside of her marriage, with the consent and encouragement of her spouse. The spouse may or may not be part of the experience.

• Bull. A bull refers to a man who engages in sexual activities with a hotwife or a couple. He is often sexually dominant and may serve to humiliate the husband in cuckold kink play.

• Unicorn. A unicorn is a single female who plays with couples. Though the term implies that they’re rare, unicorns can be easily found on various dating apps, like Feeld or 3rder. They’ll either state their unicorn status on their profile or say that they’re looking for couples.

• FFM, FMF, MFM, MMF, MMM, FFF. Threesome abbreviations like FFM, FMF, MFM, MMF, MMM, and FFF refer to different gender combinations and interaction styles. The letters "M" and "F" mean male and female, and the order shows who’s involved. For example, FFM means two females and one male, where the females may interact with each other and the male, while FMF means the females mainly interact with the male, not each other. The dynamics shift depending on the gender mix and who plays with whom.

• Compersion. Compersion is the feeling of joy or pleasure a person experiences when their partner experiences sexual pleasure with another partner.

Soft swapping can be a thrilling experience, but successfully engaging in it requires a lot of trust and communication between partners. Remember:

• Soft swap isn’t the same as full swap. A soft swap involves exchanging partners and engaging in non-penetrative sexual activities. This can include kissing, oral sex, and sensual touching. A full swap includes penetrative sex.

• Soft swaps have benefits and challenges. Soft swaps can add excitement and novelty to a relationship and help partners refine their communication skills. However, they can also bring up emotions like jealousy. If boundaries are crossed, it can lead to a breakdown of trust. Open communication and respect for agreements are crucial to maintaining a positive experience.

• Always prioritize safety and consent. Practicing safe sex and getting clear consent are essential in any swinging activity, including soft swaps. This includes using condoms and dental dams, screening for STIs, and ensuring all partners are consenting adults. Clear communication about boundaries and preferences is crucial.

Want to learn more about how to enhance your sex life in new ways? Explore sexual fantasies, and check out a range of sexual health products, from condoms and lube to erectile dysfunction medication.