How I Keep Scheduled Sex Hot

Hear us out: Scheduled sex can be really hot. It can give you something to look forward to, contribute to better orgasms (courtesy of that built-up anticipation), and ensure you maintain a healthy intimate relationship when life gets busy.

But if you rely on any rom-com you’ve ever seen as relationship gospel, you’ll be quick to note that sex is supposed to happen spontaneously. Canadian sexologist Dr. Trina Read calls this the “spontaneous sex lie,” adding that “couples believe the best way to experience sex is spontaneously. A look, graze, or squeeze will trigger your libido. Then, by touching your partner, you put your sexual arousal into motion—helping you climb to orgasm. But that's not how spontaneous sex in long-term relationships works.” Dr. Read shares that living by the expectation of spontaneous sex is how many couples end up in a sex rut. One way to get out of the rut? Start scheduling sex.

Here, learn the benefits of scheduling intimacy, how to schedule sex and keep it hot, and how often you should consider setting aside time for sex.

There are many potential benefits of scheduling sex, including having sex more often, developing a deeper emotional intimacy with your partner, and experiencing increased sexual satisfaction.

Better Sex, More Often

Research suggests that for both men and women in romantic, long-term relationships, higher levels of intimacy are linked to heightened sexual desire. The stronger desire, in turn, may increase the odds that partnered sexual activity may occur. But again, you can’t necessarily expect for the intimate sessions to happen spontaneously.

According to Dr. Read, couples who schedule sex have better sex more often because they prioritize each other and their sexual connection. Scheduling sex gives partners ample time to prepare and invest in emotional intimacy leading up to the experience. Afterward, the intimate bond is already heightened, leading to a higher likelihood of more sex, more often.

One 2012 study revealed that daily increases in intimacy led to more passion, a higher probability of having sex, and more sexual satisfaction in men and women in long-term relationships.

Less Pressure

Scheduling sex also relieves some pressure from moments when one partner might want physical affection but not necessarily be in the mood to have sex, and that’s exactly what’s on the other person’s mind.

This was the case for Robin*, a 42-year-old woman who has been married for 23 years. She says the idea of scheduling sex came about when her husband shared concerns that she never initiated and didn’t show him affection. “I explained that when I try to be affectionate, he mistakes it for initiation and that sometimes I just want a hug or kiss or cuddle without feeling like I have to have sex after or that I have to feel like I’m rejecting him when all I want is a hug.”

They agreed that scheduled weekly sex would help both issues. The arrangement guaranteed sex weekly, and as a result, Robin felt that she could both initiate and enjoy mid-week affection without worrying about the pressure for sex and hurt feelings of rejecting her husband.

Robin says making a sex plan also relieves pressure for her husband who takes erectile dysfunction medication that requires him to plan ahead. Medications like sildenafil (generic Viagra®) and tadalafil (generic Cialis®) should be taken at least about an hour before sex. For Robin’s husband, taking his medicine ahead of their scheduled time ensures he’ll be ready when the moment arrives.

More Communication

Making a sex plan requires talking about sex. This is a key component to any healthy intimate relationship, as research shows that sexual communication increases both relationship and sexual satisfaction.

For Robin, the communication layer ultimately makes the sex hotter. “We also laugh a lot. We make jokes about the schedule, and that also helps keep it interesting,” she says.

Another benefit of open sexual communication? Checking in with one another about preferences. A common misconception in long-term relationships is assuming you know what your partner wants sexually, says DuEwa Kaya Spicer, LCSW, an AASECT-certified sex therapist, psychotherapist, and intimacy coach. She suggests asking each other certain questions to make sure no one is missing the mark: 

• What are you in the mood for tonight? 

• How do you want to feel tonight? 

• What turns you on? 

• What type of sex are you open to? 

• What type of touch are you in the mood for? 

“Communication and consent are the best ways to have the most pleasurable sex,” she says.

“Unfortunately, there's a massive stigma attached to scheduling sex,” says Dr. Read, who shares common issues people have around the concept: “Couples believe they have failed, that there is something fundamentally wrong with them and their partnership,” she says. “Also, they are already scheduled up the wazoo—they don't want yet another obligation weighing them down.”

But contrary to these concerns, she says scheduling sex doesn’t have to take much time or effort. And when you know it’s coming up in your agenda, you can use that time to prepare for the event, build anticipation, and invest emotional intimacy so that when it happens, it’s magic.

Decide on a Set Time

There’s no rule on how often a couple should have sex.

Whether you opt for every Saturday morning or every weeknight at 7 p.m., it’s up to you and your partner to decide on a frequency that works for your relationship.

Whatever you do, make sure to give yourself enough time to indulge and give each other your full attention. If you have kids, this may mean ensuring they’re not home, or they’re asleep, or they’re otherwise occupied so they won’t interrupt.

Build Anticipation

Building anticipation for the main event is a form of foreplay.

Robin and her husband like to talk about their “date night” throughout the week, which gives them something to look forward to. They use the time to be flirty, sharing what they will do to each other when the scheduled time arrives.

Other ways to build anticipation include:

• Sending flirty texts or nude photos

• Buying lingerie or sex toys and leaving them out for the other person to see

• Making a plan to do something novel, like trying a new sex position or fulfilling a sexual fantasy

Be Consistent

Make a calendar invite if you have to, but make sure to keep your word and be consistent.

Robin and her husband are “really consistent,” with the exception of Illness. But she says that when they miss their scheduled time due to sickness, they try to reschedule it together. “And sometimes it spurs a mid-week date, which can be nice,” she says.

Have an Alternative Plan

Maybe the time has arrived, and neither of you feels like having sex. This doesn’t mean your schedule isn’t working and something is wrong.

“Just because you've scheduled sex does not mean you have to have sex,” says Spicer. “If you find that you are too tired, talk to your partner about alternatives such as a long make-out session with dirty talk. You make the rules. Keep it consensual, fun, and sexy.”

Here are some other non-penetrative sex ideas ideas to explore physical intimacy:

• Massages

• Cuddling

• Holding hands

• Sustained eye contact

• Role-play

• Explore erogenous zones

• Oral sex

• Mutual masturbation

These activities can also be helpful if one of you climaxes earlier than you’d like or struggles with premature ejaculation.

Just because you’re scheduling sex, it doesn’t mean that your days of passionate, spur-of-the-moment quickies are over. If both of you feel like having sex outside of the allotted time, that’s a bonus.

But scheduling sex does have some perks. Here’s what we know:

• Scheduled sex can lead to better sex, more often. Scheduling sex can lead to more emotional and sexual connection by ensuring regular intimacy. It builds anticipation, reduces pressure, and promotes more sexual communication between partners, all of which contribute to increased sexual satisfaction.

• Scheduled sex relieves pressure. Scheduling sex allows couples to enjoy physical intimacy without the expectation of sex after every hug or kiss. This can be especially helpful for couples with mismatched libidos or for those who deal with sexual performance issues, like erectile dysfunction.

• Scheduled sex relies on sexual communication. Scheduled sex encourages open discussions about sexual desires, preferences, and boundaries. Talking openly about what you both want increases sexual satisfaction and also helps to keep the experience fresh.

Want more tips on how to have better sex? Check out this guide on how to spice up your sex life, and learn how to keep sex fresh in a long-term relationship.

*Name has been changed to protect privacy.