A Therapist’s Top Tips for Overcoming Infidelity

There’s no doubt that finding out your partner cheated is going to hurt. But, the event doesn’t have to end your relationship. In fact, research suggests that a significant portion of couples choose to stay together after cheating and work it out.

Whether you stay or leave, overcoming infidelity will require you to closely examine your relationship and ask for help when needed.

But how do you move forward if you can’t stop replaying the same cheating scenes in your head? Keep reading for tips on how to overcome cheating in relationships and begin the healing process.

Despite being taboo, infidelity is incredibly common. Some research suggests that cheating affects 20 to 50 percent of relationships, more commonly couples who aren’t married.

Results from a 2022 YouGov^® poll of 2,000 U.S. adult citizens found that one in three Americans has admitted to some form of cheating while being in a monogamous relationship. Men were more likely to engage in sexual affairs (as opposed to emotional affairs), according to the findings.

Other national surveys on infidelity have revealed an increase in these behaviors among men ages 65–90. This uptick comes with a hypothesized correlation to the growing ease of access to erectile dysfunction treatments. (Just keep in mind that erectile dysfunction meds don’t make the decision for you about whether or not to cheat.)

But, no matter whom, why, or how, infidelity stands to pose damage to existing relationships.

There are many reasons a person might look for sex or another connection outside of their relationship. Research shows people cheat for many reasons, like:

• High conflict in the primary relationship

• Lack of communication

• Wanting more sex in the primary relationship

• Wanting a greater number of sexual partners

• Wanting more emotional intimacy and love

• Lack of commitment

• Wanting more freedom

• Stress

• Feeling mistreated or neglected

• Desiring validation

• Growing up with family members who had affairs

Another possible reason people cheat is financial dependence. Research findings from 2015 found that the more dependent people were on their spouses, the more likely they were to cheat. Women who relied on their husbands for financial support had a 5 percent chance of cheating, while men who were dependent on their wives had a 15 percent chance.

As far as tips for how to save a marriage (or other relationship) after infidelity, the first step is not so much “forgive and forget” but “acknowledge and accept.” According to Claudia Giolitti-Wright, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of a group practice in New York, affair recovery isn’t about erasing what happened. It’s about fitting the rupture into your story with emotional honesty and clear intention.

“For some couples, infidelity becomes a turning point toward deeper connection—if they’re willing to do the uncomfortable work of repair,” says Giolitti-Wright. “For others, healing means parting ways with clarity and self-respect. Either path is valid, and both require support, structure, and a willingness to face hard truths.”

To move forward, Giolitti-Wright offers the following strategies:

• Get real about what happened

• Stop blaming, start understanding

• Create structure

• Name what safety looks like now

• Seek outside support

Get Real About What Happened

To move forward, the cheater must admit their mistake and the damage it has caused.

“Repair only happens when both partners are honest,” says Giolitti-Wright. The partner who cheated must take full responsibility and work to understand how their actions hurt the other person.

Stop Blaming, Start Understanding

“Infidelity doesn’t just happen,” says Giolitti-Wright. “There are often unmet needs, avoidance patterns, or emotional wounds beneath the surface.” Exploring those hidden problems that affect—and are sometimes caused by—both parties in a relationship is key to preventing future ruptures.

Create Structure

In couples therapy, Giolitti-Wright sometimes gives her clients homework to help them heal after cheating. One of those tasks is performing weekly check-ins.

“I often give couples a ‘healing container’ where they check in weekly about the betrayal — not every day, and not during arguments,” she says. “This gives both partners emotional space while ensuring the hurt isn’t swept under the rug.”

Name What Safety Looks Like Now

When there’s broken trust, being in your relationship can feel unsafe. Part of the hard work requires creating a new sense of safety together.

“For the betrayed partner, safety might mean knowing whom the other person is texting. For the partner who cheated, it might mean learning to tolerate discomfort without running away,” says Giolitti-Wright. “These [boundaries] are personal and ever-evolving, but they must be named and respected.”

Seek Outside Support

“Most couples can’t heal from infidelity on their own,” says Giolitti-Wright. “Therapy offers a space for honesty, co-regulation, and growth that most people don’t know how to access alone.”

Whether you opt for couples counseling, family therapy, or individual therapy, getting outside support of some sort can prove helpful. After all, cheating is linked to mental health problems, including depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem—and support is key for managing those issues, as well.

According to some research, between 30 and 60 percent of betrayed partners experience post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), depression, and anxiety. Many people suffer from intrusive thoughts after the affair.

Giolitti-Wright says that replaying harmful scenes is a common trauma response. “When trust is broken, the mind tries to ‘make sense’ of the betrayal by going over details again and again.”

In her practice, she helps clients and couples move forward by:

• Naming the intrusive thoughts without shame

• Understanding what emotional need the mind is trying to meet (e.g., safety, control)

• Teaching grounding and regulation skills to interrupt the mental spiral

• Having ongoing and time-limited talks about the betrayal (rather than letting it become a silent source of tension)

“It’s not about forgetting,” reminds Giolitti-Wright. “It’s about reducing the emotional intensity so the betrayed partner can make decisions from clarity, not fear.”

Getting past cheating is hard work, but for many people, it’s a possible outcome. But whether you choose to stay together or break up, one thing is certain: Life changes after infidelity. Here are a few reminders:

• Affair recovery isn’t about forgetting. It’s about acknowledging the damage, the cheating partner taking responsibility, and creating space to process the pain together. Without clear emotional honesty and structure, the healing process stalls.

• It’s crucial to understand what led to the affair in the first place. Cheating often stems from unmet emotional needs, poor communication, or unresolved wounds. Both the cheating partner and the betrayed partner must examine these root causes to prevent future ruptures.

• Support is crucial for surviving infidelity. Cheating is associated with depression, anxiety, and even PTSD. Seeking support from a couples therapist or marriage counselor can help you move forward while treating these potential mental health co-occurances and also processing the cheating events themselves.

Looking for more resources on how to make your relationship stronger? Find out how to rekindle a relationship and explore ways to keep sex fresh in a long-term relationship.