Whether you’re second-guessing a breakup or you think you’re headed towards one, don’t be too quick to wave the white flag.
Whether you’re second-guessing a breakup or you think you’re headed towards one, don’t be too quick to wave the white flag. You can learn how to rekindle a relationship by remembering why you fell in love in the first place, intentionally rebuilding your connection, and exploring new experiences together.
In this guide, we’ll explain why some long-term relationships fall apart over time, how to know it’s over for good, and steps you can take to know how to get the spark back.
You can probably still remember your first date with its flirty banter and sexual tension. You wanted to know everything about this person, and they seemed to want to know everything about you.
But something’s changed. You’re either fighting all the time or not talking at all, and it hurts. Somewhere along the way, you and your loved one drifted apart.
Relationships can deteriorate due to factors like:
Poor communication. Studies show that a couple's communication quality, not the frequency, promotes relationship satisfaction over time.
Lack of quality time together. Couples who argue all the time and spend little time interacting are less satisfied in their relationships. Couples who talk and interact more during the day are more satisfied. We’re not just talking about date nights, either. Sharing everyday tasks like chores also builds closeness.
Broken trust. Research across 160 cultures suggests that infidelity is the most common reason for a marriage breakup. Cheating doesn’t just hurt the relationship, but it also harms the betrayed partner’s overall emotional well-being.
Loss of appreciation for each other. Do (or did) you take your partner for granted? Studies show that people who are grateful for their partner are more satisfied in their relationships, but only if their partner is grateful for them. Though marriage satisfaction naturally declines over time, the decline is even more dramatic for grateful people who are married to ungrateful partners.
Sometimes, the first signs of relationship strain only occur when children have grown up and moved out of the home. Many older couples can become consumed with the stress related to changes in their health or caring for their parents.
When big life changes take center stage, it’s common to forget to take time for the small actions that keep you connected to your partner.
Yes, it’s possible to rekindle a relationship if you’re both willing to do the work, even in cases of divorce.
Though there hasn’t been enough research on divorce and re-partnering, estimates of reconciliation range from 12 to 44 percent of marital separations.
A study on divorce after age 50 found that about seven percent of women and 11 percent of men reconciled with their spouse within 10 years. In contrast, 12 percent of women and 26 percent of men entered new relationships. Though new partnerships were more common, the authors noted that reconciliation is still common.
It’s not unusual for intense feelings of romantic love to wane once you’ve been with someone for a while. This doesn’t mean you don’t love each other anymore or aren’t in a healthy relationship.
Studies show that during the early phase of a relationship, your brain releases the stress and reward hormones cortisol, norepinephrine, and dopamine. These hormones promote social bonding while giving you those heart-pounding surges of excitement you feel when you’re newly in love. But after some time, this chemical response settles down with the help of oxytocin, the bonding hormone that makes you feel secure and supported in a relationship.
Trying to recapture those surges of excitement is a worthy pursuit, but it may not be easy to sustain those levels of intensity day after day. Finding value in calmer forms of intimacy and connection is just as fulfilling, if not more.
How do you know if a relationship is worth rekindling? It’s essential that you’re not trying to mend a broken relationship simply because you don’t want to be alone.
Research shows that many people define themselves in terms of their relationships. When they’re newly in love, some individuals take on their partner’s characteristics and perspectives to achieve closeness and intimacy. The danger of this pattern is that it can be difficult to feel whole again if a breakup occurs.
You shouldn’t attempt to rekindle a relationship simply because the uncertainty and distress of being alone is uncomfortable. If this is your case, it may be worth talking to a mental health professional to work through these feelings.
Signs your relationship may be beyond repair:
You want entirely different futures
One or both partners are unwilling to change or compromise
There’s emotional, verbal, or physical abuse happening
Trust is broken, and there’s no effort to repair it
You keep breaking up and getting back together
You only want to stay together to avoid being alone
While there’s no DeLorean here to whisk you back to the start of your relationship, there are some things you can do to start rebuilding intimacy and connection.
Try the following:
Reminisce about the beginning of your relationship
Have honest conversations
Bring back the romance
Practice gratitude
Explore new activities together
Keep sexual intimacy fresh
To reignite the spark, start by reminiscing about the early days of your relationship, revisiting places and memories that remind you why you fell in love. If returning to physical locations is not possible, you might revisit them in conversation or by looking at old photos or videos together.
You can also get more creative. If you can’t visit the restaurant where you had your first date because it’s in another state or closed down, consider having the same kind of cuisine elsewhere or even cooking it. If you went to a concert during your first month of dating, make a playlist of your favorite songs and send it to your partner.
Focus on improving communication by being a better listener and expressing your feelings openly. When talking to your partner, cut out distractions (phone, TV, etc.) and maintain eye contact so you can give them your full attention.
If your days fill up fast and time gets away from you, schedule regular check-ins, like just before bed, to keep communication flowing.
Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable, and make space for your partner to be vulnerable, too. Studies show that intimacy increases when people share vulnerable feelings and get partner support.
Romantic gestures don’t always have to be over the top. Little things like bringing your partner a cup of coffee or holding their hand can work just as well.
Consider tailoring your romantic gestures to your partner's love language, whether through words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, gifts, or physical touch.
Do you need ideas on how to incorporate the love languages? Try:
Words of affirmation. Compliment your partner on what they’re wearing or how good they smell, send a “thinking of you” text during the day, or leave a sweet sticky note attached to the bathroom mirror so they’ll see first thing in the morning.
Acts of service. Some easy acts of service include making them coffee or tea, washing their car, cooking a meal, filling up their gas tank, or even offering them a foot rub.
Quality time. You don’t have to plan a full-blown date night. Ask them to go for a walk in the neighborhood or even fold laundry together.
Receiving gifts. Gifts don’t have to be expensive. Bring them a sweet treat on your way home, order a book by their favorite author, or plan a picnic at the park with their favorite foods.
Physical touch. Holding hands, kissing, cuddling, and initiating sex are all ways to appeal to your partner’s love language of touch. Physical affection also releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone, which can help revive romantic feelings.
Regularly acknowledging and appreciating your partner’s efforts can improve your bond and help your partner feel more desired. However, simply practicing gratitude on your own can also strengthen your connection to your partner.
Research suggests that when we feel gratitude for someone, it helps us recognize their positive qualities and the value they bring to our lives. At the same time, this feeling makes us want to strengthen our bond with that person.
Remember we talked about the rush of chemicals you experienced in the early stages of your relationship? That rush was partly due to the newness of the relationship. In the early stages, you’re discovering new things about each other all the time.
Studies show that this sense of growth can continue if you continue seeing each other in new ways. Engaging in new hobbies and challenging activities together—without too much stress—can boost romantic love and foster closeness by linking those enjoyable experiences to your relationship.
After you’ve been with someone for a while, it’s easy to get stuck in the same old patterns when it comes to having sex. Switching things up, whether that’s trying new positions or bringing in sex toys, can bring back some of the thrill and revive your relationship sexually.
If you’re in a sexless relationship and feeling sexually frustrated, having an open conversation with your partner is crucial. If you’re not sure how to approach your partner with this conversation, consider working with a sex therapist for support.
If you’re trying to rekindle a relationship with an ex, you’re probably focusing on all the good memories you shared with them. But it’s important you don’t idealize the relationship. Remembering what drove you apart is important for two reasons.
For one, assessing the details of your breakup gives you a chance to determine whether you really want to get back together. Has anything changed since then? What do you think will be different now?
Secondly, remembering the details of your breakup helps you avoid making the same mistakes. Rekindling a relationship doesn’t have to be replicating what you had before. It means creating a better version of it.
If you hold resentment toward your partner about something they did in the past, you cannot fully be in the present or pursue a fulfilling future together.
To let go of resentments, try the following:
Acknowledge the resentment and make space for your feelings
Express your hurt feelings to your partner from a place of vulnerability, not anger
Practice self-compassion
Consider seeing the situation from your partner’s perspective
Practice gratitude, which shifts your focus from the negative to the positive
Address relationship issues as they arise to prevent future resentments
If recurring issues persist or dissatisfaction lingers, seek support from a relationship coach or couples therapist to help heal and rebuild your relationship. A couples therapist can give you strategies on how to communicate more effectively and resolve conflicts constructively. Studies show that couples therapy positively impacts 70 percent of couples receiving treatment.
Dealing with significant relationship distress can take a massive toll on your mental and physical health.
Studies show that the quality of close relationships can impact endocrine function, nervous system activity, and immune health. And those systems are associated with the leading causes of illness and death, including cardiovascular disease and infectious diseases.
Be sure to take care of your health when facing relationship stress. This can be as simple as getting enough sleep, eating well, exercising, and limiting alcohol use.
If relationship distress is causing you to feel increasingly depressed or anxious, enlist the help of a mental health professional. They can give you a safe space to discuss your feelings, which can be especially helpful if you’re having trouble communicating with your partner.
If you suspect that sexual health issues like erectile dysfunction (ED) or premature ejaculation (PE) may be interfering with your relationship, it’s time to get the support you need.
Erectile dysfunction has been shown to damage relationships, increase stress and anxiety, and lower self-esteem. Treatments for ED include a combination of lifestyle changes and prescription medications like Viagra® (sildenafil), Cialis® (tadalafil), and Stendra® (avanafil). Therapy can also help improve ED if psychological factors cause it.
Premature ejaculation can hurt your sex life and your relationship by preventing you and your partner from having satisfying sex. When you suffer from PE, you have little ejaculatory control, causing your sexual experiences to be too short. Treatments for PE include antidepressants prescribed off-label to reduce penile sensitivity and OTC products containing topical anesthetics that help you last longer during sex.
Rekindling a marriage or relationship is possible if you’re willing to be proactive, compromise, and step into the unknown.
Here are some takeaways to send you on your way:
Relationships can deteriorate for numerous reasons. Poor communication, a lack of quality time, broken trust, and a loss of appreciation for each other can contribute to a relationship breakdown.
You can’t expect to be in love all the time. It’s normal for the intensity of a new relationship to settle down after a while, but that doesn't necessarily mean your relationship is broken. At the same time, not all relationships can be fixed. It’s important not to cling to a relationship because you don’t want to be alone.
You can learn how to rekindle a relationship. Some steps include reminiscing about the beginning of your relationship, having honest conversations, practicing gratitude, keeping sex fresh, and exploring new activities together.
When dealing with relationship distress, take care of yourself. Relationship distress can take a toll on your mental and physical health. Be sure that you don’t neglect self-care. Also, be willing to address sexual health issues like erectile dysfunction or premature ejaculation if you think they’re contributing to your relationship issues.
Need more help in bettering your relationship? Explore these 10 ways to spice up your sex life, learn 8 tips on how to have a healthy sex life, and read about the impact of depression on relationships.
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