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Your sex life, your way
It’s normal to go through periods of low sexual desire, and the amount of sex you have with your partner may change over time. But how long is too long without sex in a relationship?
For some couples, having sex once a year may be sufficient, while others might prefer to engage in sexual activity more than once a day. The most important thing is how both partners feel about their sexual frequency.
This article will discuss the benefits of regular sex in a relationship, what might contribute to a sexless relationship, and what you can do to spice up your sex life.
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The answer to that question greatly depends on individual preferences and a couple's dynamic.
We do know that the average American couple has sex around once a week, which is less than in previous generations.
We also know that couples in new relationships have more sex than those in long-term relationships. Studies show the frequency of sex tends to decline the longer you’re together.
And though research suggests that sexual frequency leads to greater well-being and relationship satisfaction, more doesn’t necessarily mean better. A 2016 study found that when couples had sex more than once a week, they weren't happier or more satisfied in their relationships than couples having sex once a week.
If you and your partner feel satisfied with the amount of sex you’re having, that’s all that matters. But if you feel you’re not having enough sex, you may need some support.
Can a relationship survive without sex? It may surprise you, but a relationship without sex can last if both people are satisfied and don’t see the lack of sex as a problem.
For example, asexual couples maintain romantic relationships without sex. They find other aspects of their companionship satisfying enough. These aspects may include other forms of physical affection, like kissing or cuddling.
For couples that aren’t asexual, long periods without sex aren’t necessarily a red flag that your relationship is doomed. However, it can become problematic when a lack of sexual contact leads to dissatisfaction and emotional disconnection between partners.
Some negative effects of not having enough sex include:
Feeling disconnected from your partner
Lack of trust
Low self-esteem
Increased stress
Poor sleep
Resentment
Body image concerns
Lack of relationship satisfaction
Regular sexual activity, on the other hand, is linked to benefits like improved cardiovascular health, reduced stress, and increased emotional closeness.
Here are some of the proven benefits of sexual intimacy:
Emotional intimacy. In a study of 335 adults, researchers discovered that sexual satisfaction often led to increased emotional closeness between partners. They also found that husbands generally felt more satisfied with their relationship if their wives were more sexually satisfied.
Better cardiovascular health. Studies show that sex may have a positive impact on cardiovascular health and lower the risk of death from heart attack and heart disease.
Reduced stress levels. Sex may help to reduce stress by releasing feel-good endorphins in the brain and distracting the mind from stressors. Studies reveal there’s a connection between low stress levels and higher levels of sexual behavior and sexual satisfaction. However, this correlation may be cyclical, with high stress levels causing low sexual activity and low sexual activity contributing to stress.
Lower risk of depression. Research shows that maintaining a sexual relationship may lower the risk of depression in men and women by increasing a sense of intimacy and belonging.
Improved immune system. Some evidence suggests that sex may help improve immunity and reduce the risk of illness and infection.
Enhanced life satisfaction. Research shows individuals report greater life satisfaction with increased sexual frequency and sexual satisfaction.
There are many reasons why you may be having a dry spell with little to no physical intimacy with your partner.
These reasons include:
Relationship problems. A lack of sex can cause relationship problems, but problems in your relationship can also lead to a lack of sex. Some issues that may sever your sexual and emotional connection include a loss of trust, resentments, infidelity, or simply not prioritizing each other enough.
Stress. If you or your partner are overwhelmed at work or at home, it may affect how often you have sex. Having children is another common reason people don’t have as much sex. The physical and mental demands of having a child have been linked to lower sexual desire and sexual frequency.
Mental health issues. Along with stress, mental health issues like depression, anxiety, poor body image, and low self-esteem may lower your or your partner’s libido, leading to less sex. Another mental health issue that can affect your sex drive is sexual performance anxiety, in which you are unable to have satisfying sex due to anxiety about your performance in bed.
Sexual dysfunctions. Performance anxiety, along with other psychological and physiological factors, can cause sexual dysfunctions like low libido (low sex drive), erectile dysfunction (ED), and premature ejaculation (PE), making it difficult for you to have sex. Erectile dysfunction describes the inability to obtain or maintain an erection long enough for satisfying sex. Premature ejaculation is when you reach ejaculation too quickly.
Hormonal changes. Hormonal changes like low testosterone in men and menopause or perimenopause in women are known to cause low libido.
Medical issues. You or your partner may have little interest in sex if you’re struggling with a health condition like chronic pain, cancer, neurological diseases, and other illnesses. Side effects from medication can also affect your sex drive, including some antidepressants, antihistamines, high blood pressure medications, opiates, and chemotherapy drugs.
Lack of sexual communication. Poor communication about your sexual needs is another common reason for having little to no sex in a relationship. Studies indicate sexual communication is linked to improved sexual desire and overall sexual function, especially among married couples.
Mismatched libidos. What if one partner has a high sex drive and the other doesn’t? Mismatched libidos can cause relationship tension and a lack of sex in a relationship, too.
An unhealthy lifestyle. Certain lifestyle habits may contribute to a low libido and sexless relationship. We’re talking poor dietary habits, smoking, excessive alcohol use, and recreational drug use.
Age. Though there’s no specific age at which people stop having sex, studies do show that age-related physical, mental, and relational changes may affect sexual health and disrupt sexual behavior.
So, what can you do if you’re not having enough sex in your relationship? There’s no official rubric to follow when it comes to improving your sex life and there’s no magical potion that can morph you back into who you were at the beginning of your relationship. There are, however, some steps that may help you turn things around.
Improve your emotional connection. Studies show that in both men and women in long-term relationships, higher levels of emotional intimacy are associated with higher sexual desire and, thus, higher levels of sexual activity. Some ways to improve emotional intimacy are working on your communication, making more time for each other, or seeing a sex therapist to address relationship issues holding you back.
Treat sexual dysfunctions. If you’re struggling with a sexual dysfunction, get treatment. This may include prescription medication, therapy, lifestyle changes, or a combination of treatments. Learn more about erectile dysfunction treatments and premature ejaculation treatments, then schedule an online consultation with a healthcare provider to see if you qualify.
Think beyond sex. It may sound false, but sometimes, taking the pressure off having sex can help lead you back to it. Try to find other ways to be physically intimate, such as cuddling, massage, or handholding. You can also explore non-penetrative sex ideas to take things further, but not all the way there.
Mix things up in the bedroom. From new sexual positions to sex toys, there are so many ways to inject novelty into your relationship. Studies show couples in long-term relationships who actively pursue new sexual experiences have more relationship satisfaction.
Being in a sexless relationship may be frustrating and painful, but is it a reason to break up?
If you’ve talked to your partner about your needs and haven’t made any progress, a couple’s counselor or sex therapist can help you figure out what’s going on. They can also help you figure out better ways to express yourself to your partner.
If you’ve tried everything, including therapy, it may be worth asking yourself some tough questions about whether this relationship is right for you. Sexual incompatibility can sometimes be masked by the “honeymoon phase” of a relationship and only emerge after you’ve been together for a while.
And while it’s possible to save a sexless relationship but improve sexual compatibility over time, if one partner is unwilling to compromise or face their own issues, it may not be worth it.
And while it’s possible to save a sexless relationship and improve sexual compatibility, if one partner is unwilling to compromise or face their own issues, it can lead to larger problems down the road.
Being in a sexless relationship doesn’t have to be the end. If you and your partner still care about each other and you’re willing to put in the work to have more satisfying sex, there’s no better time to make moves. Remember:
The importance of sex depends on each person’s preferences and relationship dynamic. For some couples, having sex once a year may work, while others might find it difficult to make it through a single day without any sexual activity. The goal is finding a sexual frequency that works best for you.
A sexless relationship can survive — if there are other valued aspects of your relationship. It’s also possible that a period without sex is only temporary. If you work together to address relationship problems, health issues, and other factors, it could improve your sexual satisfaction.
The benefits of sex are plentiful. From emotional intimacy to improved immunity, there are many benefits to having a healthy sex life. But remember, more doesn’t always mean better. Some studies show that having sex more than once a week is no better than having sex once a week.
There are many reasons why you may be having less sex. Sexual problems like ED or PE, hormonal imbalances, certain medications, and high stress are just a few of the contributing factors to low libido and lower sexual frequency.
There are ways to turn your sex life around. Working on your communication, trying new things, seeing a therapist, and addressing issues like ED and PE can help you have better sex in your relationship.
Want more tips on how to improve your sexual satisfaction? Check out this guide on how to revive a relationship sexually, learn new ways to initiate sex, and review these 11 tips on how to have better sex.
Think medicine is the answer, but not sure what you need? Talk to a Hims medical professional for help figuring that out.
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This article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. The information contained herein is not a substitute for and should never be relied upon for professional medical advice. Always talk to your doctor about the risks and benefits of any treatment. Learn more about our editorial standards here.
Dr. Kelly Brown is a board certified Urologist and fellowship trained in Andrology. She is an accomplished men’s health expert with a robust background in healthcare innovation, clinical medicine, and academic research. Dr. Brown was previously Medical Director of a male fertility startup where she lead strategy and design of their digital health platform, an innovative education and telehealth model for delivering expert male fertility care.
She completed her undergraduate studies at University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill (go Heels!) with a Bachelor of Science in Radiologic Science and a Minor in Chemistry. She took a position at University of California Los Angeles as a radiologic technologist in the department of Interventional Cardiology, further solidifying her passion for medicine. She also pursued the unique opportunity to lead departmental design and operational development at the Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center, sparking her passion for the business of healthcare.
Dr. Brown then went on to obtain her doctorate in medicine from the prestigious Northwestern University - Feinberg School of Medicine and Masters in Business Administration from Northwestern University - Kellogg School of Management, with a concentration in Healthcare Management. During her surgical residency in Urology at University of California San Francisco, she utilized her research year to focus on innovations in telemedicine and then served as chief resident with significant contributions to clinical quality improvement. Dr. Brown then completed her Andrology Fellowship at Medical College of Wisconsin, furthering her expertise in male fertility, microsurgery, and sexual function.
Her dedication to caring for patients with compassion, understanding, as well as a unique ability to make guys instantly comfortable discussing anything from sex to sperm makes her a renowned clinician. In addition, her passion for innovation in healthcare combined with her business acumen makes her a formidable leader in the field of men’s health.
Dr. Brown is an avid adventurer; summiting Mount Kilimanjaro in Tanzania (twice!) and hiking the incredible Torres del Paine Trek in Patagonia, Chile. She deeply appreciates new challenges and diverse cultures on her travels. She lives in Denver with her husband, two children, and beloved Bernese Mountain Dog. You can find Dr. Brown on LinkedIn for more information.
Education & Training
Andrology Fellowship, Medical College of Wisconsin
Urology Residency, University of California San Francisco
M.D. Northwestern University Feinberg School of MedicineB.S. in Radiologic Science, Chemistry Minor, University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill
Published as Kelly Walker
Cowan, B, Walker, K., Rodgers, K., Agyemang, J. (2023). Hormonal Management Improves Semen Analysis Parameters in Men with Abnormal Concentration, Motility, and/or Morphology. Fertility and Sterility, Volume 118, Issue 5, e4. https://www.sciencedirect.com/journal/fertility-and-sterility/vol/120/issue/1/suppl/S
Walker, K., Gogoj, A., Honig, S., Sandlow, J. (2021). What’s New in Male Contraception? AUA Update Series, Volume 40. https://auau.auanet.org/content/update-series-2021-lesson-27-what%E2%80%99s-new-male-contraception
Walker, K., Shindel, A. (2019). AUA Erectile Dysfunction Guideline. AUA Update Series, Volume 38. https://auau.auanet.org/content/course-307
Walker, K., Ramstein, J., & Smith, J. (2019). Regret Regarding Fertility Preservation Decisions Among Male Cancer Patients. The Journal of Urology, 201(Supplement 4), e680-e681. https://www.auajournals.org/doi/10.1097/01.JU.0000556300.18991.8e
Walker, K., & Smith, J. (2019). Feasibility Study of Video Telehealth Clinic Visits in Urology. The Journal of Urology, 201(Supplement 4), e545-e545. https://www.auajournals.org/doi/10.1097/01.JU.0000556071.60611.37