How to Build Sexual Tension With a Long-Term Partner

Sexual tension occurs when two people are attracted to each other, but they don’t act on it. It can be a positive way to maintain physical and emotional intimacy between partners, especially in long-term relationships. And frankly, it can be pretty hot. However, when left unresolved for too long, sexual tension may (but not always) lead to sexual frustration.

We spoke with certified sex and intimacy coach Court Vox about how to build sexual tension in long-term relationships and why doing so can be crucial to maintaining a healthy and fulfilling sex life.

Tension might sound like a bad thing, but that’s not necessarily the case when it’s sexual in nature.

Sexual tension refers to intense desire or attraction between two people that has yet to be expressed through physical intimacy. It can feel like a mix of anticipation and excitement, and it can occur in any type of relationship. You can have sexual tension with a romantic partner, a colleague, a friend, a stranger, or anyone to whom you feel.

Here are some common signs of sexual tension:

• Flirtation. You make flirty comments or sexual innuendos to each other or find ways to have physical contact, like brushing against each other when passing by.

• Body language. You share lingering eye contact, raise eyebrows at one another, or lean in closer when talking.

• Physical sensations. Your heart beats faster, your palms sweat, you blush, or you feel “butterflies” in your stomach when you’re near them.

• Awkwardness or nervousness. You both appear awkward or nervous when interacting, like tripping over your words or becoming flustered.

• Seeking each other out. You find reasons to be close, like looking for one another at a group gathering manifesting an excuse to exchange messages.

• Thoughts. You can’t stop thinking (or dreaming) about each other.

According to Vox, sexual tension is important in relationships because it fosters excitement and mystery.

“[Sexual tension] creates a spark that helps maintain emotional and physical intimacy between partners,” he says. “This sense of anticipation and connection strengthens the bond, making the relationship feel dynamic and passionate rather than stagnant or routine.”

Research shows that sexual desire tends to decline in long-term relationships for women, and especially after having children. Vox says this can happen because the novelty and excitement of relationships fade over time. Add life stressors, routines, and responsibilities to the mix, and there’s suddenly less time for sexy time.

“Additionally, as partners grow closer and know each other more deeply, that level of intimacy—while enhancing the relationship overall—can sometimes make it more challenging to maintain an erotic connection and hunger for one another,” says Vox. “Keeping the spark alive requires intentional effort, communication, and creativity.”

Developing sexual tension in a relationship requires intentionality and playfulness. Here are some actionable tips Vox suggests to build up sexual attraction and desire:

• Flirt and tease

• Create space

• Build anticipation

• Know your love languages

• Co-create novelty

Flirt and Tease

Don’t underestimate the power of flirting, even in a long-term relationship. You can flirt by sending suggestive texts (or sexts); sharing an inside joke; or offering subtle, lingering touches. Flirting should be fun, so keep it light and playful to build sexual interest and anticipation.

Create Space

There may be some space to the concept of “distance makes the heart grow fonder.” While research shows that higher levels of closeness in a relationship is often connected to higher levels of desire, it’s not always the case. Sometimes, too much closeness between partners can dampen sexual desire over time. Creating a little distance can be a turn-on. To reignite desire, “spend time apart, pursue your own interests, or even take a solo trip,” suggests Vox.

Build Anticipation

Life gets busy—so busy that sex may seem like another item on your to-do list. Take some time to plan ways to reconnect, whether that’s a date night out, a quiet dinner at home, or an extended foreplay session.

Though scheduling may seem unsexy, it can be the easiest way to maintain your sex life and give you something to look forward to. Focus on building arousal leading up to that date through flirting and teasing, says Vox. “You’ll be coming in hot instead of starting cold.”

Know Your Love Languages

Love languages refer to five different ways of expressing and receiving love and affection. They include words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, and receiving gifts, and physical touch. Take time to learn each other’s love languages, and stay curious about how you communicate and express desire.

Co-Create Novelty

Remember, novelty, like sexual desire, tends to fade over time in long-term relationships. To build it back up, ask your partner questions you haven’t before, try new things with your partner (like new sex positions or sex toys!), and keep co-creating high-novelty experiences for and with each other. “This helps keep the spark—and your relationship—alive,” says Vox.

Building sexual tension is one way to improve your relationship. But it’s far from the only way to do so. Some other ways to build (or rebuild) sexual chemistry include:

• Seeing a relationship coach or therapist

• Practicing open communication

• Exploring non-sexual forms of touch (massage, holding hands, etc.)

• Addressing any sexual issues at play, like erectile dysfunction, low libido, or premature ejaculation

• Sharing your sexual fantasies

• Trying new skills to improve your sexual performance

• Exploring your erogenous zones

• Initiating sex in new ways

• Practicing self-care

You may remember the clear sexual tension signs you felt at the beginning of your relationship. But how can you rebuild it now that you’ve been together for a while? Here’s what we know:

• Sexual tension is important in long-term relationships. Sexual tension, which refers to unexpressed desire and attraction, plays an important role in maintaining intimacy. It fosters excitement, anticipation, and a sense of mystery, which helps prevent the relationship from feeling stagnant or routine, especially in long-term partnerships.

• Intentional effort is needed to maintain desire and tension. Keeping sexual tension alive in long-term relationships takes work. Both partners should remain playful and intentional. Flirt, tease, create space for individuality, and build anticipation to continually foster sexual tension.

• Novelty is key to maintaining sexual desire. Over time, the excitement in long-term relationships can fade. Introducing novelty is a powerful way to reignite sexual tension. Try new activities together, explore different sex positions or toys, and ask fresh questions to help keep the spark alive.

Want even more tips on maintaining sexual desire and intimacy in your long-term relationship? Learn how to revive a relationship sexually, explore these 11 tips to have better sex, and check out a full range of sexual health products, including sex toys and ED medication.