My Wife Has No Desire for Sex — What Can I Do?

So, here you are, asking a question you never thought you’d ask in those early days of marital bliss: My wife has no desire for sex. What can I do?

It’s common to jump to the worst conclusions — to think she’s fallen out of love with you and in love with the delivery guy. But here’s the thing: A woman’s libido can fluctuate for various reasons that have little to do with you.

In the same vein, a marriage can change over time, making adaptability a love language you should learn to master.

If you’ve been in a rut lately, keep reading to find out what may be causing your wife’s low sex drive and explore tips on how to get your sex life back on track.

This may seem obvious, but sexual health is key to overall health — one key, at least. Research from the World Health Organization (WHO) and the World Association for Sexual Health shows that fulfilling sexual experiences contribute to better physical and mental health, even in older age.

Sex is just as important to your relationship quality. In a study of 237 partnered young adults, sexual satisfaction was the most critical predictor of relationship satisfaction in men and women.

However, for some women, a sense of closeness (emotional intimacy) was even more important than sexual satisfaction if they were living with their partners.

Despite how crucial sex is to relationship quality, many long-term couples struggle with a lack of sex. In a survey of nearly 18,000 U.S. adults, 15 percent of married couples reported that they hadn’t had sex in the previous year. And around 13 percent said they hadn’t had sex in the last five years.

Just because something is common doesn’t mean it has to stay that way. If your wife’s lack of sexual interest is causing distress in your relationship, you need to talk about it.

In the next section, we’ll discuss what might be causing your wife’s lack of desire and how you can help.

Was it something you said? Was it something you didn’t say? Does she love somebody else?

When your wife doesn’t want to have sex with you anymore, the voice inside your head can get pretty insecure. It’s true that relationship issues can play a role in your wife’s lack of desire, but sometimes, it’s not even about you.

Keep scrolling for insight into what might be going on.

Sexual Dysfunction vs. Normal Variations

Hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD) is the most common female sexual dysfunction, though it can also happen in men. It involves a persistent lack of sexual desire and sexual fantasies, which results in distress for the individual and her partner.

Though this disorder is listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), it’s a controversial topic. What’s considered “normal” can vary among people and cultures,  but some critics think pathologizing such variations can lead to unnecessary treatments and shame.

It’s also essential to know your wife’s sexual response cycle may shift over time — in which case you may have to learn how to shift your approach.

For instance, a woman might not have a sexual dysfunction in the following scenarios:

• She has little or no spontaneous desire but does experience responsive desire (i.e., she may not feel a spontaneous urge to have sex, but she can become aroused when presented with the right context, like foreplay or emotional connection).

• She experiences spontaneous or responsive desire but doesn’t want to have sex as much as her partner (i.e., mismatched libidos).

When trying to figure out why your wife has a lower sex drive than she used to (or maybe just a lower sex drive than you do), it can help to recognize that this shift might actually be normal. It also may be temporary.

Mental Health Issues

Mental illness is the most critical risk factor for women’s sexual dysfunction, including low sexual desire and arousal disorders.

Mental health issues that may cause a lack of sexual interest include:

• Depression

• Anxiety

• Stress

• Low self-esteem

• Poor body image

• Sexual trauma

Even women with chronic medical conditions that affect the vascular pathways of sexual desire (like diabetes, multiple sclerosis, or renal failure) are more likely to experience sexual dysfunction as a result of the mental effects linked to these diseases.

Medication Side Effects

Some medications might cause low sexual desire as a side effect, including those prescribed for some of the mental health issues listed above.

Medications known to cause sexual side effects include:

• Antidepressants

• Blood pressure medications

• Chemotherapy drugs

• Epilepsy drugs

• Migraine medications

• Recreational drugs, including alcohol and nicotine

It’s never a good idea to stop taking medication without talking to a healthcare professional. So if your wife thinks she might be experiencing side effects affecting her libido, she should let her provider know.

Menopause

Reproductive hormones like estrogen, testosterone, and progesterone are vital for sexual function. Menopause throws all these hormones out of whack.

Menopause is when a woman’s ovaries stop producing estrogen and progesterone, and she stops having menstrual periods. The transition into menopause (perimenopause) typically happens between ages 45 and 55, but it can be earlier or later for some women.

The hormonal changes menopause brings can cause a range of uncomfortable symptoms like low libido, hot flashes, poor sleep, vaginal dryness, and irritability.

If your wife is of menopausal age, her gynecologist should be able to help her devise a treatment plan to fit her individual needs. This may include a combination of hormonal medications, therapy, and lifestyle changes.

Relationship Issues

Relationship issues like unresolved conflicts, parenting disagreements, infidelity, and lack of intimacy could also contribute to your wife’s low sex drive.

In a study of postmenopausal women with low libido, one major factor was their partner’s erectile dysfunction (ED).

Women explained to researchers that if their partner couldn’t maintain an erection long enough for them to reach orgasm, they began to view sex as less satisfying and wouldn’t look forward to having it in the future.

The women also found that when their partners were defensive or frustrated due to their ED symptoms. This also made sex less satisfying, and their sexual interest declined.

This isn’t to point fingers or say the man in the relationship is to blame — only to paint a full picture of what could be going on.

If you’re the kind of guy who likes to fix things, you should know this section won’t advise you to try to “fix” your wife’s sex drive.

However, there are ways you can improve or expand your approach to sex, intimacy, and communication with your partner. And this can have a positive impact on your wife’s sex drive.

Here’s what you can do if your wife has no desire for sex.

Communicate

Sexual intimacy begins with emotional intimacy. Have you talked about your sexual needs with your partner?

Research shows that couples with sexual problems like low desire have more sexual communication issues than couples without sexual problems. And one of the main ways women resolve conflict related to mismatched libidos is by talking about sex.

If you’re having trouble getting your partner to talk or knowing the right language to use, seeking out a sex therapist or enrolling in couples counseling might help.

A lack of sexual interest doesn’t necessarily mean a lack of interest in you and your needs. You might just need to talk it out.

Bring Back Date Night

It’s common for people in long-term relationships not to have as much sex as they did in the beginning. It’s also common for romantic gestures like date night to decline.

Is there a connection? Maybe.

According to a survey of 2,000 heterosexual men and women conducted by the University of Virginia, 52 percent said they “never” go out on date nights with their spouses or only went on date nights “a few times a year.” And 48 percent reported they had date nights “once or twice a month” or more.

Of the couples who went on regular date nights, 68 percent of wives and 67 percent of husbands were happy with their sexual relationship and reported greater communication and commitment to their partners. In couples that didn’t have regular date nights, only 47 percent of husbands and 47 percent of wives said they were sexually satisfied.

Explore New Sexual Fantasies and Kinks

When did your wife get into BDSM? WTF is Shibari?

This is where sexual communication is important yet again. Studies show that talking about sex can improve sexual desire by revealing how partners differ in their sexual preferences and how sexual preferences can change over time.

You may have thought you knew your wife’s turn-ons like the back of your hand, but it’s totally healthy and normal for these turn-ons to evolve.

It’s also common for women to keep new sexual fantasies from their partners if they aren’t used to talking about their sexual needs or haven’t done so in a while.

Don’t Skip Foreplay

We mentioned that some women don’t have a spontaneous urge to have sex but can become aroused in the right context. This doesn’t mean pressuring your wife to have sex if she doesn’t feel like it. But it could mean taking time for a sexy preamble will work in your favor.

Foreplay is any type of non-penetrative sexual activity that sets the stage for sexual intercourse. It increases sexual desire and arousal by enhancing emotional intimacy and helps your partner become sufficiently lubricated (although investing in a good personal lubricant works wonders too).

There are no rules for what constitutes foreplay, but here are some ideas:

• Kissing and cuddling

• Mutual masturbation

• Oral sex

• Roleplay

• Massage

• Watching porn together

• Sexting

• Exploring erogenous zones

• Using sex toys

Foreplay is a great way to heat things up. Check out these other ways to initiate sex with your partner.

Make Lifestyle Changes Together

When life gets busy, self-care can easily take a backseat. Maybe you and your wife cope with life’s stressors by drinking too much, staying up late worrying, or overworking.

Working together to improve your lifestyle habits can positively impact your general well-being and sexual health.

Healthy lifestyle changes can include things like:

• Working out together

• Booking that long overdue vacation

• Cooking healthy meals at home

• Making a pact to turn off screens well before bed

• Divvying up household chores and errands

• Cutting back on excessive drinking or smoking

Start with one or two things, and go from there.

Confront Your Own Sexual Problems

We mentioned earlier that one common complaint of women with low libido is their husband’s erectile dysfunction issues. Another sexual dysfunction that may contribute is premature ejaculation (PE).

If you’re struggling with sexual dysfunction, it might be time to confront these issues head-on.

Treatments for ED include oral medications like sildenafil (Viagra®), tadalafil (Cialis®), vardenafil (Levitra®), and avanafil (Stendra®).

If you’re looking for something more discreet, there are also chewable ED meds containing the same active ingredients as drugs like Viagra and Cialis. These medications help to increase blood flow to the penis by widening blood vessels.

For those struggling with premature ejaculation, healthcare providers might prescribe drugs like sertraline (Zoloft®) off-label. Or you can try desensitizing sprays, wipes, or condoms containing topical anesthetics to prolong sex.

ED and PE are extremely common conditions, but we know it can be challenging to admit you’re dealing with a problem like this. If you can use support, schedule an online consultation with a healthcare provider today.

If your wife is showing little to no interest in sex, you might initially think you’re doing something wrong. This isn’t always the case.

If your wife has no desire for sex and you’re at a loss for what to do, remember:

• A loss of sexual desire can be related to various mental and physical conditions. Hormonal imbalances, stress, medication side effects, and menopause are a few potential reasons your wife may have a lower sex drive than she used to.

• A low sex drive doesn’t always indicate sexual dysfunction. It’s normal in long-term relationships to have less sex than in the early days. It’s also normal for your wife’s sexual needs and response cycle to shift.

• There are things you can do to help get your sex life back on track. If you’re trying to revive your relationship sexually, try talking about your sexual desires, bring back date night, explore sexual fantasies together, and consider confronting your own sexual problems.

Want more ideas on how to improve your sex life? Check out these techniques to make sex better for her and explore these tips for better sex.