Age Gap Relationships

Dating someone significantly younger or older than you may lead to clashes in music tastes and a few missed cultural references—but could it also lead to a successful relationship? Rockstars like Mick Jagger (44 years older than his partner) and Billy Joel (33 years older than his wife) would probably say yes.

Keep reading to find out what makes some age-gap relationships work, the challenges of a significant age gap, and whether there’s ever an age gap that’s simply too big.

An analysis by the Pew Research Center shows that the typical age gap between heterosexual spouses in the United States has narrowed over the past 20 years, with the average age gap now 2.2 years, down from 2.4 years. This is a significant change from 1880, when husbands were on average 4.9 years older than their wives.

Despite this narrowing, age gaps (even small ones) are still common, with the wider gaps often leading to raised eyebrows. But, does an age gap ever matter? The short answer is that it depends on the couple. While it’s true that an age gap could present some challenges in a romantic relationship, many people who are in them find the age difference to be an asset or a completely irrelevant factor in their partnership’s success.

A study of 194 heterosexual women, including 110 in age-gap relationships, found that women with younger partners reported higher satisfaction and commitment than those in similarly-aged couples or those with older partners.

Paul Aaron Travis, an American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT)-certified sex educator and founder of The School for Love, says his three-year relationship with a woman 12 years his senior was one of the best relationships of his life. At the time, he was 52 and she was 64; he felt that despite their age difference, they were “on the same page” and in similar places in life.

“We'd both been divorced and appreciated one another,” says Travis. “We never talked about blending families; I'd had my kids, and she'd had hers.” The relationship worked for both of them until she decided to move out of state to fulfill a lifelong dream of living in California. Travis wasn’t resentful—he even helped her move.

Travis says their age gap simply wasn’t a problem for them. “Age gaps can bring about cultural, music, technological, and other differences,” he says. “But so can different geographic backgrounds, financial backgrounds, and more. Just as every relationship is unique, each age gap is on the spectrum of surmountable to problematic based on a number of factors. In my personal situation, we never had issues.”

Travis says one generation’s length (20 years) is his boundary when asked what age gap is too big. “I would not feel comfortable dating a woman my daughter's age.”

However, it’s not unusual to see older men dating much younger women and, perhaps less commonly, older women dating much younger men. There’s an evolutionary explanation for the older man-younger woman pairing. Researchers think that women are drawn to older men because they have more resources. These resources boost survival chances for themselves and their children. Men, meanwhile, may biologically prefer younger women, as they are typically more fertile, enhancing reproductive success.

Separately, same-sex couples are known to have even larger age gaps. In one survey by the U.S. Census Bureau, 5 percent of same-sex couples had a 20-year age difference (or more) compared to 1 percent of opposite-sex couples. Same-sex couples were also less likely to have the same race and ethnicity.

There’s no hard and fast rule about what constitutes an acceptable age gap in a relationship. Age is just one factor when it comes to compatibility, even if one partner has more life experience than the other. What will work best for you and your life ultimately comes down to personal preference.

Yes, large age-gap relationships work for many people.

According to therapist Courtney Sonntag, LMFT, the longest-lasting relationships involve partners who share similar life goals and values, regardless of their ages. “Sometimes, partners’ age differences can actually complement one another, where one might bring stability, and the other might bring a fresher perspective,” she says. “In general, when there’s a mutual effort in a partnership, especially with communication, both parties can be more invested in better understanding each other, helping the relationship thrive.” And that effort component knows no age.

Some of the common challenges of age-gap relationships include:

• Being in different life stages

• Having different lifestyle preferences

• Societal pressure

• A power imbalance

Being in a different stage of life can present challenges in the age-gap relationship. Sonntag explains that a difference in life stages could impact decisions about family planning, such as whether to have children and how to manage finances. An older person may also be ready to retire, while a younger person may be in the midst of their career. This could lead to frustration or resentment, because there can be loneliness in feeling “different” than your partner and their current needs.

There can also be differences in lifestyle preferences, such as social activities, what kinds of vacations to take, or hobbies in general. “The older partner might feel out of touch with the younger partner in terms of trends and preferred activities,” says Sonntag. “But the younger partner might not be able to relate to certain experiences from the past. Oftentimes, this can lead to not feeling understood or seen by the partner.”

Another hurdle is societal judgment. This could cause couples to feel like they need to defend the relationship, which can be exhausting. “It keeps them from being able to shield the outer world from touching their inner world,” says Sonntag.

Travis says he, too, faced some outer pushback within his own age-gap relationship. “Her siblings wondered why she was with a guy so young,” says Travis. “And some of my younger friends who didn't realize how old I am wondered why I was with someone their mother's age.”

Large age gaps can also lead to a power imbalance. For instance, a younger partner may become financially dependent on the older partner, leaving them vulnerable if the relationship ends. An imbalance in power dynamics can also affect the mental health of the younger partner if the older partner claims to know more or know better than the younger partner.

All relationships require work. According to Sonntag, communication is the best solution for any relationship issue, including challenges related to age gaps. “Talking openly about differences, goals, expectations, and fears can help keep that emotional door open so that both partners can walk through together.”

Whether you’re a 20-year-old dating someone much older or a middle-aged person dating someone half your age, these tips may come in handy:

• Have open and honest conversations. Sharing your emotional and physical desires with your partner is a key component of a healthy relationship. It can also help you solve conflicts faster than the silent treatment.

• Set boundaries with judgmental loved ones. Feel free to shut down people criticizing your relationship just because they don’t understand it. Surround yourself with non-judgmental people who lift you up.

• Accept your differences. It’s natural for people in age-gap relationships to have different perspectives, even when it comes to big life decisions, like family planning and managing finances. Understand that you both have value to bring to the relationship, and remain curious about your differing outlooks.

• Be flexible. Be willing to see age-related differences from your partner’s POV and see if you can adapt and evolve to find common ground.

• Be yourself. You shouldn’t have to change who you are or limit what you love doing just to appease an older or younger partner. It’s great to compromise and be flexible, just like you would in any healthy relationship, but if you feel like you’re losing yourself in your partnership, you may need to take a step back and reassess.

• Try new things together. Novelty is important in any relationship, including those with age gaps. If you share only a few interests or activities in common hobbies, work to find new ones together. You may also want to explore new horizons in the bedroom with the help of sex toys or different sexual positions.

• Address sexual health issues. Our sex lives change over time, and both men and women may encounter sexual health issues as they age, like low libido or erectile dysfunction (ED). If something seems amiss, consider getting advice from a healthcare professional.

• Plan for the future. If your relationship becomes serious and one partner is significantly older than the other, it can be helpful to consider the long game. How will you face health concerns in the future? Will one of you become a caretaker? How would that work?

An age difference in a romantic relationship doesn’t mean your partnership is doomed from the jump. If you’re armed with the right resources, your dynamic can be filled with love, respect, and satisfaction. Here’s what we know:

• Age differences can be an asset. While large age gaps in relationships may present challenges—like different life goals or societal judgment—many people find the variance to be complementary. Partners with age differences may bring unique strengths to the relationship, such as stability from the older partner and fresh perspectives from the younger one.

• Communication is crucial. Effective communication is essential in navigating any type of relationship, including those with age gaps. Openly discussing expectations, goals, and boundaries helps prevent misunderstandings. Being flexible, accepting each other’s differences, and adapting to changes as the relationship evolves can help bridge gaps.

• Imbalances in power dynamics can be an issue. Power imbalances can arise, particularly if one partner becomes financially or emotionally dependent on the other. Couples must navigate these dynamics carefully, ensuring mutual respect, equality, and shared decision-making to maintain a healthy relationship.

Want more intel on how to lead a healthy relationship at any age? Learn more about sexual compatibility; explore tips on how to have a healthy sex life; and check out a range of sexual health products, including sex toys, lube, and ED medication.