In a sexual context, primarily in the LGBTQ community, a “top” represents the penetrator during sex, and a “bottom” means the penetrated. But, like most things that have to do with one’s sex life, there are many nuances.
In a sexual context, primarily in the LGBTQ community, a “top” represents the penetrator during sex, and a “bottom” means the penetrated. But, like most things that have to do with one’s sex life, there are many nuances.
Top or bottom are terms commonly associated with gay sex, but they also refer to sexual roles in lesbian sex, heterosexual sex, and BDSM kink play.
Being a top or a bottom can also refer to power dynamics in a relationship and whether someone has an assertive personality (top) or a passive one (bottom).
In this guide, you’ll learn more about what these terms signify in various contexts, how to figure out which sexual identity suits you best, and tips for being a good top/bottom.
Amongst men who have sex with men (MSM), a “top” is someone who prefers the insertive role during anal sex.
Studies show that identifying as a top doesn’t necessarily mean performing insertive sex all the time and that many tops also engage in receptive anal sex as well. In this case, gay men often refer to themselves as “versatile top.” This suggests that the label is based on the more frequent enactment of one role over the other.
Men aren’t the only ones who can be tops during sex. A woman can penetrate her partner (female or male) with her fingers or a sex toy.
In the gay community or among MSM, a “bottom” is someone who prefers the receptive role during anal sex.
Like with tops, many bottoms report penetrating their partner during sex from time to time despite self-identifying as a bottom and strongly preferring the bottom role.
Again, while bottoming is typically associated with MSM, the term can also be used during lesbian or heterosexual sex.
“Vers” stands for versatile. Generally, a bottom is the one who receives, and a top is the one who gives, while a vers (or switch) does both.
When the dating app Grindr added vers to its preferred position profile settings for the first time in September 2016, VICE reported that 6 percent of daily users had identified themselves as tops by November, 4 percent had identified themselves as bottoms, and 28 percent of men had chosen vers. As of April 2024, vers remained the most popular choice, with 32 percent of users selecting that identification.
So, if you’re feeling ambivalent about the terms top and bottom, don’t fret. You might be a vers. Or a vers top or vers bottom. Or, labels aren’t for you and you might not want to self-identify at all. That’s perfectly okay, too.
Not into anal penetration? You’re not alone. Some people identify as "sides," meaning they prefer sexual activities that don’t involve penetration. This can include oral sex, frottage, mutual masturbation, or something else entirely.
One 2011 study of nearly 25,000 men gay and bisexual revealed that less than 40 percent of men had anal intercourse during their most recent sexual event, suggesting being a side is more common than you may think. The behavior most frequently reported was kissing a partner on the lips, with 74.5 percent of individuals mentioning it, closely followed by oral sex at 72.7 percent.
Check out some non-penetrative sex ideas here.
Top and bottom can also refer to power dynamics in a relationship.
Some people use the term top to refer to the person who prefers to be in control during sex. It can also mean the one who receives oral sex (“oral top”) or performs other sexual acts, but these terms are loosely defined and depend on the context.
A top can also be the person who takes on the dominant role in the relationship as a kink, while bottoming can refer to taking on the passive role during sex (queer sex or heterosexual sex) and being the one to receive sexual pleasure instead of giving it.
While the terms top and bottom may help describe the kind of sex you prefer, there are no rules when it comes to your sexual identity, and you can change your mind at any time.
In fact, some research has found that younger gay men may change their sexual self-identification over time. In a 2013 study of 93 men, more than half (48 men) changed their label within two years, with the majority moving towards being “mostly top.”
One 2016 study of 282 gay and bisexual men found that men’s sexual position self-label was developed over a 15-year timespan. So, if you’re not sure of your sexual identity right now, give it time.
And you should never feel pressured to engage in any sex positions you don’t feel comfortable with. Your sexuality is whatever you want it to be, so take time to explore what feels good to you. Even if you don’t know your label yet, always be open and communicative with your sexual partners about your desires and your boundaries during sex.
If you’re inexperienced with being a top or a bottom, solo experimentation is a great way to explore what each role might be like sexually. One way to explore is with sex toys, which can provide various types of stimulation.
If you want to experiment with the sensation of being penetrated, you can slip in a finger or try more sophisticated equipment like a butt plug, anal beads, dildo, bullet vibrator, or prostate massager, to name a few. Just be sure to go slowly and always use high-quality lube.
If you want to explore being the penetrator, try out a stroker or male masturbator with a suction feature (like a fleshlight).
No matter how experienced you are, communicating your sexual preferences is crucial. This means asserting your wants and desires as well as your boundaries. If you want to try being a bottom but have never bottomed before, just say so. If you’re mid-way through bottoming and realize you’re not enjoying yourself, take a break and check in with your body before deciding if you want to try again.
Hookup apps like Grindr, Tinder, Scruff, and Feeld make it easier than ever to find sexual partners. They also make it easier to be honest about what you want to try and what kind of sex you prefer by saying so in your profile. That way, when potential partners swipe right, they know what they’re signing up for.
Just because you didn’t like topping or bottoming once doesn’t mean you won’t like it the next time.
Studies show that many bisexual and gay men rate their first same-sex sexual experiences positively, but certain variables can change how they feel. For instance, some men report greater physical and emotional satisfaction when there is a smaller age gap with their partner or when the relationship is romantic or friendly.
Experiencing pain or discomfort during or after anal sex is common and can often be relieved with proper lubrication, more foreplay, and practice.
What makes a “good” top? Here are some tips if you’re new to this role:
Listen to your bottoming partner
Ease into new sexual acts
Use lube
Experiment with different pressures, speeds, and sexual positions
Break out the toys
Don’t skip foreplay
File down your fingernails if you’re planning to finger someone (or yourself)
Take breaks to check in with your partner
What makes a good bottom? Here are some tips if you’re new to this role:
Bring your own lube
Relax and breathe
Go as far as you feel comfortable, and make sure to communicate your boundaries
Don’t be afraid to be a power bottom (someone who takes the dominant role even though they’re being penetrated)
All forms of sex carry their own risks, but anal sex is especially risky (in men and women) because stretching the anus can cause tearing in the rectal walls, which increases the chances of transmitting STIs like HIV.
To lower your risk of STIs, always practice safe sex by using condoms (especially with new sexual partners) and regularly test for STIs. You should also consider taking preventative medications like PrEP, which is a daily prescription medication that reduces the risk of HIV.
Pairing lube with condoms is another good idea, as lubrication reduces friction, which can minimize tearing, lowering your risk of STIs even more.
So, what does it mean to be a bottom or a top? Anything you want it to mean. Though a top generally means the person penetrating and a bottom means the person being penetrated, there’s no pressure to subscribe to a label or identity that doesn’t feel like you. Remember:
Top and bottom roles aren't fixed. You can shift between top and bottom roles or identify as vers, meaning you enjoy both positions. You may also choose to identify as a side, which means you’re not into anal sex. Top and bottom roles can also refer to power dynamics in a relationship, with a top being more assertive and active and a bottom being more passive and receptive.
Learning your sexual identity can be a process. Understanding your preferred role (top, bottom, or something else) can take time. Don’t feel rushed to label yourself, and be open to experimentation to discover what feels best. Open communication with sexual partners is crucial.
Safety matters. Anal sex, while common, carries higher risks of STIs like HIV. Use condoms and lubrication, and consider preventative treatments (like PrEP) to lower your risk.
Want more tips on how to enhance your sex life? Learn how to become sexually confident, get help finding your “P-Spot,” and find out how to last longer in bed.
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