Why Do I Have to Be Drunk to Be Intimate?

Ever ask yourself, “Why do I get horny when I drink?” Or,  maybe you’re only horny when drunk? Perhaps the idea of sober sex seems scary to you or maybe even impossible? If so, you’re not alone.

For many years, this was the reality for Tawny Lara, also known as “The Sober Sexpert” and author of Dry Humping: A Guide to Dating, Relating, and Hooking Up Without the Booze. We spoke with her about her journey to sobriety, how it’s impacted her dating life, and the tips she has for learning to enjoy sex without relying on alcohol.

If you’re constantly asking yourself, Why do I have to be drunk to be intimate? keep reading to see how Tawny made it through.

TAWNY: It began as a social experiment in 2015 when I gave up booze for one year. The term “sober curious” didn’t exist yet, but looking back, that's definitely what I was. I wanted to see how giving up booze would impact my writing. 

I blogged a lot, connected with other sober bloggers, and found an incredible community. I also took a lot of writing classes with the extra money I saved from giving up booze and extra time I had from not being drunk. I found an incredible therapist who helped me unpack why I drank the way I drank. She also helped me identify other self-destructive patterns.

TAWNY: Absolutely, I can relate. This is why I wrote my book. I had no idea how to date, let alone have sex without alcohol. The more I researched the intersection of sex and relationships with alcohol, the more I realized that the sex component isn’t necessarily a “sobriety” or “alcoholic” thing; it's a liquid courage thing. 

I was so insecure with myself that I relied on liquid courage as a pseudo-confidence. I used booze to mask my body dysmorphia, PTSD, and anxiety instead of addressing my mental health in a healthy way. There was also a gender-related self-perception I had that it was my job as a woman to please others sexually—to perform for them rather than asking myself what I want from a sexual experience. 

One chapter in my book is about how I quit faking orgasms when I got sober, and it's probably one of my most asked-about stories.

Alcohol really did function as liquid courage. Every date began, continued, and ended with alcohol. I was a career bartender, so I met dates in bars or dated coworkers. My whole life took place in a bar. 

Sober dating was so hard for me. I realized how awkward and insecure I was. I also realized that I didn't really date when I drank; I just hooked up with drinking buddies until it either ended poorly or we moved in together.

Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant, so drunk sex quite literally doesn't feel as good. If you're drinking to numb anxiety, you're also numbing your body, which means you're not feeling maximum pleasure. Not to mention how vaginal dryness, less saliva production, and the infamous whiskey dick can hinder any sexual experience.

Read more about the effects of alcohol use on sex, and find out if quitting alcohol can improve erectile dysfunction (ED) .

TAWNY: In early sobriety, I took a lot of time off from dating to “date myself.” And hell, yes, sex is now way better for me without booze. I know how to ask for what I want now. I don't perform or try to be someone I'm not.

I've also de-centered orgasms, which removed stress, which in turn makes for a better sexual experience.

TAWNY: Anytime someone tells me that drunk sex is better, I ask them why. Their answer is usually a mix of "no inhibitions!" or "I feel more confident." Then, I ask why they want to lose their inhibitions and why they need alcohol to feel confident. They really think about it. Asking yourself these questions can be the start of true healing. You don't need to be sober or even sober curious to ask yourself about how alcohol intersects with your sex life.

TAWNY: I'm coming up on a decade without booze, and I've since written a book and card deck, launched a drink, and married the (also sober!) love of my life. It's wild to think about how everything I have today is because I stopped drinking, found healthier coping skills, and addressed my mental health.

TAWNY: Just acknowledging that you want to make a change is huge. Most people fear lifestyle changes, and instead choose to stay on their current course. 

To help you find the strength to make a meaningful life shift, remember that you're not alone. Find peer support. Go to therapy if you can. Read books and listen to podcasts. There are so many incredible, nuanced resources out there now! But most importantly, be nice to yourself and be patient.

If you’re here because you’re constantly wondering why you can’t have sex sober, here’s what you should know about alcohol consumption and sex:

• Heavy drinking is associated with sexual dysfunction. In a study of 100 alcohol-dependent men, 72 of these men who were heavy drinkers had one or more sexual dysfunction. The most common were premature ejaculation, low sex drive, and erectile dysfunction.

• Excessive drinking may reduce physical sensations. In addition to lowering your sexual desire and hindering your performance, having one too many glasses of wine can also numb your genitals. This means your sexual encounters end up being less pleasurable.

• Alcohol is linked to risky sexual behavior. Research has found an association between taking sexual risks and drinking. Such risks include a lowered likelihood of using condoms, which increases the risk of contracting sexually transmitted infections and unintended pregnancies.

• Excessive drinking may lower your fertility. Drinking excessively may also affect your fertility. Studies have concluded that long-term, heavy alcohol use can decrease testosterone, testicular atrophy, and lower sperm production.

• Alcohol consumption contributes to a variety of health problems. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), long-term alcohol use is associated with heart disease, high blood pressure, and mental health conditions like anxiety and depression. All of these conditions are risk factors for ED.

• Moderate drinking isn’t likely to ruin your sex life. In fact, it can have some short-term benefits for sexual desire. However, regular or excessive alcohol consumption, whether in or out of the bedroom, can lead to serious negative effects. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) advises men to limit alcohol intake to two drinks per day and women to one drink per day, classifying this as "moderate” drinking.

If you're experiencing ED due to drinking, dealing with ED on its own, or struggling with alcohol use, reach out to your healthcare provider for support. You can also get advice on treating ED, premature ejaculation, and other sexual dysfunctions online.