How I Overcame Sexual Shame

When Caleb Campbell, 40, was growing up in the Bible Belt of Texas, sex was an off-limits topic, a reality that fostered an unspoken culture of sexual shame. “We didn’t talk about it—no conversations about sex, masturbation, or even the basics of desire,” says Caleb. “The only messages I received were from adults and pastors who said these things were sins outside of marriage. What was missing was any discussion about desire, pleasure, or arousal. This left me feeling confused and ashamed of my body and the natural feelings I began to experience as I got older.”

Studies show that sexual shame, which is prevalent in strict religious environments, is linked to self-hostility, sexual dysfunctions, body-shaming, aggression, hypersexuality, and sex addiction.

Caleb eventually left Texas, served in the United States Army and played for the National Football League (NFL)—and he grappled with feelings of sexual shame throughout all of it. Overcoming negativity around sex and reaching self-acceptance requires intentional work that can take many years. Until that happens, a person’s relationship to their own sexuality and that of others can be confusing and even destructive. A young person struggling with sexual shame may try to abide by any perceived societal expectations by trying to shut down their sexual thoughts at the cost of their well-being.

“While I don’t remember anyone explicitly saying it, the underlying message I internalized was that if I had more faith or was a better Christian, I wouldn’t be struggling with these desires at all,” says Caleb. “This created a profound disconnect between my faith and my humanity, leaving me in a constant state of shame for something I didn’t fully understand and couldn’t control.”

When asked what his first explorations of sex were like, Caleb sums it up in one word: awkward.

“Without any guidance or open conversations about sex, I was left to figure it all out on my own,” he says. “Growing up, sex and even masturbation were shrouded in shame and silence, so when I first started exploring, it felt confusing and isolating.”

He describes his first masturbation experience as intense and overwhelming: “I had no idea what happened when it was over,” he says. “I didn’t even know ejaculation was a thing, so I was left feeling good but also shocked. But, it didn’t take long for me to be overwhelmed by guilt.”

Caleb’s experience with sexual shame reflects a bigger issue surrounding lacking sexual education, whether rooted in purity culture or abstinence, which has been linked to higher rates of teen pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections (STIs). According to the American Academy of Pediatrics, comprehensive sex education reduces rates of sexual risk behaviors, STIs, adolescent pregnancy, homophobia, and dating violence. It even helps to delay sexual activity in young people and contributes to healthier relationships.

For Caleb, sexual guilt and the belief that he was “inherently bad” for experiencing sexual desire and curiosity seeped into every part of his life—especially his relationships.

“I tried to mask my shame through my pursuit of perfection on the football field. I thought, If I score enough touchdowns, they'll see that I'm good,” he says. “But behind closed doors, I was still at war with myself: Good enough was never good enough. I felt more like a fraud every day. That inner turmoil created an emotional distance that made it almost impossible for me to fully connect with myself and others.”

In addition to feeling disconnected from his sexual partners, Caleb says his feelings of shame led him to destructive behavior in his relationships.

“I developed an intense need to know every detail of my partner's sexual history, badgering them until they told me everything,” he says. “At the time, I didn’t understand why I did it, but looking back, I realize it was my own shame and guilt manifesting. It wasn’t about any single partner; it was about me trying to make sense of my own past and somehow protect myself from the weight of it.”

Caleb says he also believes his sex shame fueled a deeper, more painful pattern of sex addiction and compulsive casual sex. Sex addiction is not listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-V), and there is an ongoing debate in the research community about whether or not sex can actually be addictive. Even so, some data suggest that shame around sexual desire is associated with risky sexual behavior, sexual compulsivity, and mental health risks.

“I found myself feeling addicted to sex, seeking out multiple partners even when that wasn’t what I actually wanted to be doing,” Caleb says. “It wasn’t about desire—it felt like self-punishment. Each sexual encounter was a way of reinforcing the belief that I was bad, broken, and unworthy. It was as if I were punishing myself for the very thing I’d been taught to fear and avoid. But no matter how much I tried to numb the shame or drown it in these behaviors, the feelings of guilt and disgrace always came back stronger.”

Caleb says it took years of unlearning to begin fostering a healthier relationship with his body, faith, and sense of self. Though he now has a healthier attitude towards sex, he says his journey to overcome feelings of sex shame is ongoing.

“What’s changed the most is that there’s no longer silence or secrecy around [sex], which means there’s no place for shame to hide,” he says. For Caleb, talking openly about his sex life has created a space for honesty and connection, both with his partner and with himself: “My relationship with myself has transformed, and as a result, my relationships with others have become more authentic and meaningful.”

Still, he says, sex remains a sensitive subject.

“It’s a process, and I’m still learning to embrace sex as an integral part of connection and intimacy rather than a battleground for unresolved feelings. But each step feels like a step toward freedom and wholeness—something I didn’t think was possible before.”

After Caleb graduated from the United States Military Academy at West Point, he became the second player in Academy history to be drafted into the NFL. His stint as a linebacker for the Detroit Lions was cut short when he was called back to active duty by the Department of Defense. After two years away, he returned to the NFL and eventually signed with the Kansas City Chiefs. Throughout all of his successes though, negative thoughts of his own inadequacy hounded him. No matter how much he accomplished, he felt a need to do more to feel a sense of validation.

Now, Caleb works with leaders and organizations as a keynote speaker and coach, helping them perform at their peak and build successful and sustainable lives.

His advice for young men who are grappling with sexual shame and low self-esteem is to find a safe space to talk, whether that’s with a trusted mentor, close friend, or sex therapist. He says talking about your sexual experiences with somebody you trust is an important step towards breaking the silence upon which shame thrives on. Committing to personal growth is just as crucial to gaining a better understanding of yourself and your sexual health.

“For me, the biggest shift came when I built the awareness needed to stop reacting to my emotions and started observing them instead,” Caleb says. “I began to see my shame and insecurities not as enemies to fight but as reflections of deeper wounds—the little boy inside me who had carried those burdens for years. Learning how to meet that part of myself with compassion instead of judgment changed everything. It’s a slow process, but as you heal, you begin to notice that your life transforms in meaningful ways.”