How Soon Is Too Soon? Deciding When to Have Sex

You’ve probably heard of the “three-date rule” — or maybe even the five-date one — when it comes to having sex. But the truth is, there’s no universal timeline.

Or better yet, you and your partner are free to make your own rules.

Every sexual relationship is unique and runs on its own clock. There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to sexual intimacy, whether you’re wondering how long you should wait to have sex again with a new partner or how often you should be having sex in a long-term relationship.

Still, you might be wondering how many dates before sex is typical for most people, whether it’s okay to have sex on the first date, and how to know if it’s the right time for the first time with someone new.

Here’s what we know.

Anyone who follows a third-date rule for sex probably learned it from Sex and the City. In an early episode of the hit show, the most conservative friend in the group, Charlotte, warns the protagonist, Carrie, that she shouldn’t have sex on the first date if she’s serious about a guy.

When Carrie suggests the third date as an appropriate milestone, Charlotte counters with a fifth-date rule because “the number of dates that you wait to have sex with a man is directly proportional to your age.”

That line may have worked for a late-90s sitcom, but real-life intimacy isn’t bound by a formula.

The truth is, there’s no magic number for how long you should date before having sex. If waiting five dates feels right for you and your partner, go for it. If you both want first-date sex, that’s fine, too.

The data on how long people typically wait before sex is limited.

According to one 2014 study of over 10,000 unmarried people in romantic relationships, around 47 percent waited to have sex after a few weeks of dating, while 35.5 percent had sex on the first date or within the first few weeks. 

Nearly 10 percent had sex before they went on a date, maybe indicating a more casual situation, and 6.6 percent abstained entirely.

This study linked waiting to initiate sexual activity to more positive relationship outcomes like increased satisfaction, stability, and communication. However, it didn’t clarify whether the timing of sex causes these positive relationship outcomes or if couples who are more satisfied, stable, or communicative are more likely to delay sex. Sexual timing is just one of many factors affecting relationship health.

A smaller survey by Groupon found that, on average, men wait roughly five dates before having sex, while women wait around nine dates. It also found that the typical American adult waits until the second date for a kiss.

But there are holes in this data, too. The survey didn’t include non-binary individuals, it didn’t account for differences in sexual orientation, and it lacked details about the participants’ racial, cultural, or religious backgrounds — all of which could influence how long someone waits to have sex.

Dates Before Sex and the Nuances of Modern Dating

Even more confusing, neither study breaks down what constitutes a “date.” A movie night? A walk in the park? Streaming something together on the couch? Everyone defines a “date” a little differently.

What about online dating? And what if you meet in the morning, separate during the day, and meet up again at night? Is that two dates or just one?

When you start trying to put a timeline on your sex life, things get murky—all the more reason not to worry about exactly how many dates before sex is best. It’s better to base your readiness on how you feel, not how you think you should feel.

Yes, it’s more than okay to have sex on a first date if you and your partner are on the same page.

Great sex is consensual sex. If you or your partner ever feel hesitant about having it (even if you’ve already started), then it’s not the right time. Consent can be withdrawn at any time for any reason.

Some people even advocate having sex on the first date. One perspective comes from writer Maria Del Russo, who argues that being physically intimate early on can pave the way for emotional closeness. “Getting the physical intimacy out of the way early opens the door to more emotional intimacy, in my opinion. Plus, do you know how disappointing it is to build that emotional intimacy with someone only to realize that the sexual compatibility isn’t there?”

Fair question.

If you do decide to have sex, it’s always a good idea to play it safe. Lower your risk of STIs (sexually transmitted infections) by using a condom every time.

It’s the right time to have sex if you and your partner both want to have it. It’s as simple as that.

If you’re unsure if your partner wants to have sex, ask them and respect their answer. In any case, it’s going to take open and honest communication.

Here are some clues you’re ready to take the next step:

• You feel safe in each other’s company

• Neither of you is so drunk that you can’t actively give consent

• You’re able to discuss and maintain boundaries

• Neither of you feels pressured to have sex

Need tips? Check out our article on how to initiate sex.

Whether you’re looking for a serious relationship or casual sex, there’s no set number of dates in terms of when you should have sex for the first time with a new partner. If you’re feeling the sexual chemistry and you’ve expressed interest in moving forward, don’t let outdated norms and fictitious rules hold you back.

When considering how many dates before sex, remember this:

• There are no set rules. The number of dates before sex varies for every couple (or throuple or more). There’s no magic number indicating when it’s right to get intimate, whether it’s the third, fifth, or first date. What matters is mutual comfort and readiness.

• Consent and communication are vital. The most important factors in determining whether to have sex are clear communication and consent. If either partner feels unsure, pressured, or uncomfortable, it’s not the right time, regardless of how many dates you’ve been on.

• Sex on the first date is totally okay. If both partners are on the same page, there’s nothing wrong with having sex on the first date. In fact, some people believe it can help assess sexual compatibility early in a relationship to avoid potential disappointments later on.

• Focus on how you feel, not on timelines. Instead of following someone else’s rules on when to have sex, pay attention to your readiness and comfort level and go from there.

How many dates until sex? Ultimately, there’s no right or wrong answer. That’s up to you and your partner — not Carrie Bradshaw — to decide.

Find more ways to support your sexual health.