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Be ready for sex whenever you're in the mood
When looking for a man who’s marriage material, qualities like kindness, honesty, and the same taste in karaoke songs may come to mind. But would you marry a man with erectile dysfunction?
If your partner has erectile dysfunction (ED) or you’re the guy in question, we’ve got news for you: Men with ED can have satisfying marriages.
If you’re willing to communicate as a couple and explore treatment options together, you just might sing a duet at your 50th wedding anniversary.
Keep reading to learn how ED impacts relationships, how mental health affects ED, and what steps you can take to start having better sex.
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For most people, sex is essential to living a fulfilling life. When you’re not doing it, it can take a toll on your relationship and affect both partners’ mental health.
While ED may seem like a deeply personal issue, it usually isn’t. The condition can also impact those closest to the guy who’s struggling.
Hurt people hurt people.
Before you can understand how ED impacts relationships, you have to know how it affects the man dealing with it.
Studies show men with ED can experience:
Low self-esteem
Poor confidence
A lost sense of masculinity
Depression
Denial
Anger
These feelings can lead married men to avoid their spouses out of fear they won’t be able to meet their partners’ needs. Some men react with anger, deny they have ED, or develop a low libido (reduced sex drive).
But running from a problem rarely works. When men avoid their partners and don’t seek treatment, they create a vicious cycle of increased anxiety and heightened ED.
Despite how common it is, ED remains underreported. Many patients are too embarrassed to seek help or don’t think effective treatments are available.
Making matters worse, some healthcare providers need more training to help their patients out. They may consider ED less severe than other health conditions or feel uncomfortable addressing it.
If you haven’t gotten the help you need from your healthcare provider, don’t be afraid to shop around.
Would you marry a man with ED if he blamed you for it? Probably not.
In a study of nearly 14,000 women, roughly 15 percent said their partners blamed them for their erection problems. As a result of feeling blamed, women were more likely to be less sexually satisfied and end their relationships.
Women partnered with men facing ED may develop negative feelings toward their husbands over time. They might also ignore the problem to save their husbands’ “sense of masculinity.” But this usually means settling for a sexless relationship.
Research suggests many partners struggle with guilt or wonder if they’re unattractive if their partner has ED.
Erectile dysfunction doesn’t just affect your home life. It can also hurt your career.
Studies show men with ED are more likely to miss work and be less productive while on the clock. Having erectile dysfunction can keep you up all night or trigger a fight between you and your boss or colleagues.
But stress and relationship problems can also cause (or worsen) psychological ED, leading to another vicious cycle.
You already know ED can affect your mental well-being and relationship — but it’s actually a two-way street.
Psychological causes of ED include:
Sexual performance anxiety
Stress
Relationship conflict
Depression
Guilt
Low self-esteem
Excessive porn use
Masturbation
It’s vital to talk to someone if you think mental health issues are affecting your sex life. Your healthcare provider may suggest therapy, counseling, medication, or other solutions.
But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.
Why would you marry a man with erectile dysfunction? Because the condition is treatable and not the end of the world.
Keep reading to learn more about available treatment options.
Would you marry a man with ED if effective solutions were available? If so, you’re in luck.
Practicing open communication at home, seeking therapy, and exploring treatment options together can improve ED and your relationship.
The secret to a good sex life? Don’t keep any secrets.
Studies show men in relationships are more motivated to get help for ED when both partners are willing to talk about it. They’re even more motivated when their female partners start the conversation.
According to researchers, talking about ED helps reduce feelings of hopelessness and guilt. But it isn’t just the talking that encourages men to seek treatment. It’s how you talk about it.
Mental health experts and sex therapists suggest women:
Mention their feelings when talking about their partner’s ED
Refer to ED as a shared problem
Approach their partner when he’s in a good mood
If you’re unsure how to get the conversation going, consider seeing a therapist.
Sometimes, it’s helpful to talk to a professional.
A sex therapist or couples counselor can guide you through coping strategies for ED and pinpoint unhealthy communication patterns. They can also educate you and your partner about what causes ED and how common the condition is.
If you receive homework during therapy, like touching exercises or reading assignments, do it — sooner rather than later. Research shows treatment for ED is more successful when couples do the assignments early and actively work on their communication.
Finding other ways to be intimate can take the pressure off sex and reduce stress.
Some non-penetrative sex ideas to try:
Making out
Cuddling
Mutual masturbation
Massages
Oral sex
Roleplay
When you’re ready to dive into sexual activity, start slowly. Check out these tips for having sex with ED.
Studies show women play a critical role in the success of ED treatment. That’s why couples are encouraged to seek help together when possible.
Though therapy is one of the best interventions for psychological ED, numerous oral medications can help improve physical symptoms — no matter what’s causing them.
The most common ED medications help widen blood vessels to improve blood flow to the penis. They include:
Viagra® (and its generic sildenafil)
Stendra® (avanafil)
Vardenafil (generic Staxyn®)
Keep in mind these medications don’t increase libido. But they do help men get and maintain erections when they’re already in the mood.
Beyond therapy and medication, you may want to explore healthy lifestyle changes together. This includes following a nutritious diet, exercising, limiting alcohol, quitting smoking, and managing stress better.
When treating ED, it’s also important to rule out medical conditions known to affect sexual function. These conditions include:
Diabetes
High blood pressure (hypertension)
Nerve damage
Obesity
Low testosterone levels
Prostate cancer
Motivating your partner to get checked out may end up improving more than his erectile problems.
Read our blog to find out more about how ED can serve as a warning sign for more serious health conditions.
Would you marry a man with erectile dysfunction? Don’t write him off just yet.
We get it — ED can be frustrating. But it’s also solvable.
To improve your relationship and ED, remember:
ED impacts both partners. Studies show ED can cause low self-esteem, depression, and poor confidence. But female partners suffer as well. Be sure not to point fingers.
ED can affect your work. Men with ED are more likely to miss work or be less productive there. This can lead to worsened mental health, financial problems, and relationship conflict.
The relationship between ED and mental health is complex. ED can impact a man’s mental health, and his mental health can affect his ED. Psychological ED causes include anxiety, stress, depression, guilt, and relationship strain.
Treatment for ED is often more successful when partners seek solutions together. These include open communication, couples therapy, medication, and finding other ways to be intimate beyond sexual intercourse.
Ready to take the next step to improve your sexual health and explore ED treatment options? Do a quick online ED consultation on our telehealth platform today.
Hims & Hers has strict sourcing guidelines to ensure our content is accurate and current. We rely on peer-reviewed studies, academic research institutions, and medical associations. We strive to use primary sources and refrain from using tertiary references. See a mistake? Let us know at [email protected]!
Dr. Kelly Brown is a board certified Urologist and fellowship trained in Andrology. She is an accomplished men’s health expert with a robust background in healthcare innovation, clinical medicine, and academic research. Dr. Brown was previously Medical Director of a male fertility startup where she lead strategy and design of their digital health platform, an innovative education and telehealth model for delivering expert male fertility care.
She completed her undergraduate studies at University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill (go Heels!) with a Bachelor of Science in Radiologic Science and a Minor in Chemistry. She took a position at University of California Los Angeles as a radiologic technologist in the department of Interventional Cardiology, further solidifying her passion for medicine. She also pursued the unique opportunity to lead departmental design and operational development at the Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center, sparking her passion for the business of healthcare.
Dr. Brown then went on to obtain her doctorate in medicine from the prestigious Northwestern University - Feinberg School of Medicine and Masters in Business Administration from Northwestern University - Kellogg School of Management, with a concentration in Healthcare Management. During her surgical residency in Urology at University of California San Francisco, she utilized her research year to focus on innovations in telemedicine and then served as chief resident with significant contributions to clinical quality improvement. Dr. Brown then completed her Andrology Fellowship at Medical College of Wisconsin, furthering her expertise in male fertility, microsurgery, and sexual function.
Her dedication to caring for patients with compassion, understanding, as well as a unique ability to make guys instantly comfortable discussing anything from sex to sperm makes her a renowned clinician. In addition, her passion for innovation in healthcare combined with her business acumen makes her a formidable leader in the field of men’s health.
Dr. Brown is an avid adventurer; summiting Mount Kilimanjaro in Tanzania (twice!) and hiking the incredible Torres del Paine Trek in Patagonia, Chile. She deeply appreciates new challenges and diverse cultures on her travels. She lives in Denver with her husband, two children, and beloved Bernese Mountain Dog. You can find Dr. Brown on LinkedIn for more information.
Education & Training
Andrology Fellowship, Medical College of Wisconsin
Urology Residency, University of California San Francisco
M.D. Northwestern University Feinberg School of MedicineB.S. in Radiologic Science, Chemistry Minor, University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill
Published as Kelly Walker
Cowan, B, Walker, K., Rodgers, K., Agyemang, J. (2023). Hormonal Management Improves Semen Analysis Parameters in Men with Abnormal Concentration, Motility, and/or Morphology. Fertility and Sterility, Volume 118, Issue 5, e4. https://www.sciencedirect.com/journal/fertility-and-sterility/vol/120/issue/1/suppl/S
Walker, K., Gogoj, A., Honig, S., Sandlow, J. (2021). What’s New in Male Contraception? AUA Update Series, Volume 40. https://auau.auanet.org/content/update-series-2021-lesson-27-what%E2%80%99s-new-male-contraception
Walker, K., Shindel, A. (2019). AUA Erectile Dysfunction Guideline. AUA Update Series, Volume 38. https://auau.auanet.org/content/course-307
Walker, K., Ramstein, J., & Smith, J. (2019). Regret Regarding Fertility Preservation Decisions Among Male Cancer Patients. The Journal of Urology, 201(Supplement 4), e680-e681. https://www.auajournals.org/doi/10.1097/01.JU.0000556300.18991.8e
Walker, K., & Smith, J. (2019). Feasibility Study of Video Telehealth Clinic Visits in Urology. The Journal of Urology, 201(Supplement 4), e545-e545. https://www.auajournals.org/doi/10.1097/01.JU.0000556071.60611.37