How I Asked My Wife for a Threesome

When you’re in a long-term relationship, asking for a threesome can be quite delicate. You might end up with the ingredients to seriously spice up your sex life, or you could seriously hurt your partner’s feelings. The way you approach the topic might have a huge bearing on those next steps.

For Cam*, a married man of 13 years, asking his wife for a threesome felt easy. Cam says he and his wife spoke openly about sex throughout their relationship and were both sexually adventurous.

If you’re itching to have a ménage à trois but you’re not sure how to bring up a threesome with your partner, Cam has tips to help. Learn how to approach the conversation without hurting anyone’s feelings, plus how to actually arrange a threesome in the easiest way possible.

Communicating about sex is a crucial component to every romantic connection. Studies find that talking about sex is linked to higher sexual and relationship satisfaction. To have effective sexual communication, though, it’s key to discuss any desire you have to engage in specific sexual experiences, like threesomes. This is known as sexual self-disclosure.

Cam and his wife had their first non-monogamous experience early on in their relationship. “We had been married for about six months to a year,” he says. “A threesome with another woman was a very prominent fantasy that I had had for a long time.” 

Fortunately for Cam, his wife shared the same fantasy. He attributes their joint openness to various sexual experiences to solid communication skills, noting that they spoke freely about their sexual fantasies from the very beginning of their relationship.

But it’s never too late to start being more sexually communicative. Regardless of how open you’ve previously been about sharing your desires, asking a partner for a threesome for the first time can be a delicate matter.

"When bringing up a desire for a threesome, timing, tone, and empathy are key,” advises psychologist Claudia Giolitti-Wright, LMFT, founder and clinical director of Psychotherapy for Young Women in New York City. “Frame the conversation as an open dialogue rather than a request or demand—this helps reduce the risk of your partner feeling inadequate or compared. You might say something like, ‘I’ve been thinking about a fantasy I’d love to explore together, but I want to know how you feel about it first.’ This invites a two-way discussion rooted in curiosity and respect.”

Before you approach the topic with your partner, ask yourself these important questions:

• Why do I want to have a threesome? It’s crucial to understand your motivations for wanting a threesome. Do you want to share a new experience with your partner, or are you just looking for an easy way to sleep with someone else? Are you bored in your relationship and hoping this new experience will change that? Understanding your motivations may open up other relationship desires or needs.

• What do I want out of the experience? Obviously, you want to have a good time. But try to pinpoint the details: Who would you want to be the third person in the threesome? Where would the threesome take place? What kind of sexual activities would you want to experience? Would you want it to become a regular occurrence?

• Would I be okay if my partner suggested the threesome? Many heterosexual men fantasize about having a threesome with two women (MFF or FMF, which stand for male-female-female or female-male-female threesome dynamics, respectively). But what if your female partner wanted to have a threesome with you and another man? If you’re not comfortable with having a threesome that suits your partner’s sexual desires, then you can’t expect them to champion your fantasies, either. 

• How will we handle challenging emotions? When you let a third person into your bedroom, things can get messy. Try to imagine beforehand what might get stirred up, and what you can do ahead of time to ease any insecurities that may arise.

• Can I please two people at once? Do you have the sexual stamina to please two people at once? Don’t underestimate the work you’ll have to put into the experience if your partner is on board.

So, how do you ask for a threesome in a respectful way that won’t lead to hurting your partner’s feelings or making them feel rejected?

According to Giolitti-Wright, it’s important to acknowledge that your desire isn’t a reflection of dissatisfaction but an opportunity to explore together, so long as doing so feels right for both of you. “Be prepared for any reaction, and respect your partner’s feelings without pressure,” she says. “The risks often involve emotional complexities like jealousy, insecurity, or unmet expectations, so it’s crucial to maintain open, ongoing communication to navigate these feelings together.”

Ask About Her Sexual Fantasies

Cam’s wife is bisexual, but she had limited experience with other women. So, Cam asked her about sexual fantasies as a way to open the conversation. “I didn’t really ask for a threesome,” says Cam. “I more encouraged my wife to share her bisexual fantasies.”

Over time, these conversations about her bisexual fantasies became more detailed. They talked about what they would do if a third person joined them, how they would find another woman, and eventually, he started encouraging her to flirt with other women when they were out at bars together.

If your partner is straight, she might still be up for a threesome with another woman if she has other sexual fantasies or kinks that involve other people. For instance, a woman with a cuckquean kink likes to watch her partner have sex with another woman without actually participating.

There’s also a chance that she prefers an MFM threesome, a setup with two men and one woman with no male-male contact. An MMF threesome is a threesome with two men and one woman, where there is male-male contact.  

While your ideal threesome may include two women (an MFF or FMF dynamic), having a threesome with another man may demonstrate to your partner that you’re committed to her fantasies. After all, the threesome shouldn’t just be about actioning your desires, but also hers.

Let Her Take the Lead

“The first time we had a threesome was with another woman while we were on vacation in Thailand,” says Cam. “A woman approached my wife in a bar and openly flirted with her. My wife took the lead, flirting back, and all of us ended up back in our hotel room at the end of the night.”

That first time, Cam didn’t touch the other woman, though. His wife had set this ground rule prior to the experience, while the two of them were verbally fantasizing about threesomes together. “She said she would be too jealous seeing me with another woman, so I could only watch. I could also have sex with my wife while my wife had sex with the other woman.” Cam was okay with this setup—he said it was like porn but in real life, which he found to be hot.

Later in their marriage, Cam and his wife’s sexual fantasies progressed, and they eventually started swinging with other couples, one form of an open relationship. This allowed Cam’s wife to grow comfortable seeing him with another woman while in her presence. He says his wife didn’t feel threatened because she was simultaneously having sex with that woman’s husband. Everyone was partnered, and that made his wife feel safe.

Throughout their explorations, Cam always encouraged his wife to take the lead. They used apps to find sex parties or partners for swinging, and eventually single women for threesomes. His wife was in charge of swiping left or right. If his wife vetoed a woman, then that was that. Cam never pushed or questioned why she said no to a potential partner.

Set Ground Rules Together

Setting boundaries and expectations is crucial before setting up and engaging in the threesome. Making a list of sexual acts you’re willing to try and those to avoid ensures neither of you does something that makes the other person feel uncomfortable.

Some common ground rules might include:

• No kissing

• No exchanging phone numbers

• No private messaging

• Always use protection

• No threesomes with close friends

• Have safe words to stop the experience at any time

• No “taking one for the team” if you don’t feel personally comfortable

Most of all, don’t pressure your partner into having the threesome if they’re not into it. And don’t pursue the threesome in an attempt to “fix” something that’s not working in your relationship. Work on relationship problems first before exploring the idea of a threesome.

“Make sure your relationship is strong and you’re confident sexually,” advises Cam. “Also, be mindful of how your partner is feeling the entire time.” 

Dating apps make finding a threesome partner easier than ever. Whether you use Tinder, Feeld, Bumble, #open, OkCupid, or a different platform, there’s a good chance you’ll find someone looking for a threesome. You may even see women identifying as a “unicorn,” which describes a single woman looking to be a third.

Feel free to set up a joint account or two separate accounts, and state clearly in your profile(s) that you’re looking for threesome dating partners. Then, spend some time swiping together. Even if you don’t end up having the threesome, getting close to making it a reality can be a fun foreplay idea.

If a threesome isn’t in the cards for you, it’s still worth exploring your turn-ons and finding other ways to spice things up in your relationship.

Some things you might try tonight:

• Dirty talk

• Role-play and dress-up

• Sex toys

• New sex positions

• Discussing kinks and fetishes

• Having sex in an unusual place

• Sexting

• Addressing sexual health issues

• Talking to a sex therapist

Knowing how to ask for threesome sex isn’t always straightforward. But when you make sexual communication a regular part of your relationship, then it becomes infinitely easier. Remember:

• Open and honest sexual communication is key. Talking about sex is linked to higher relationship satisfaction. Ensure you and your partner feel free to talk openly about your sexual needs and desires.

• Before proposing a threesome, take time to reflect on your motivations. What do you want out of the experience? How will you address potential emotional challenges, like jealousy? Considering these potential issues beforehand can help you avoid hurt feelings down the line.

• Establish clear ground rules together. Ensure your relationship is strong before pursuing a threesome, and discuss boundaries and limits that make you both feel safe and confident in approaching the experience.

Whether you end up having a threesome or not, merely bringing up the conversation can lead to better sex, because it contributes to prioritizing sexual communication. Learn more by checking out this guide on how to rekindle a relationship, and find out how to keep sex fresh in a long-term relationship.

*Indicates that names have been changed to protect privacy.